Quid Retribuam

"It’s a good round for a knockdown. It’s the right time of the night to throw the fight and leave the pieces where they fall... "

2009-09-15T12:03:00.000-07:00

I guess I have some catching up to do.

The other week I actually found some old poems in an otherwise unused notebook. I vaguely remember writing them, but apparently they haven't seen the light of day in over a year. So I figured I'd air them out here...

This is the first, chronologically, of the two. It's a true Spenserian sonnet, which is nice when you can pull it off. I'm not sure what else I can say about it, seeing as I've already admitted that I only vaguely remember even being it's author. I can tell that it was probably during that period where I started to realize that my sentence structure followed rhymescheme much too rigidly (i.e. each quatrain was a separate thought). You can tell because how how desperately I made the theme of the second quatrain bleed over into the first line of the sextet.

"... the terror of the darkness in my face." -2/13/08

Without a mirror, I am many things;

I find no noble task I cannot do

And everything I want to be is true

Without the honest face reflection brings.

In stagnant pools there are no moving rings

To trouble or disturb the placid blue.

The surface shows the face I show to you

Until disturbed by force of living springs,

Confusion like a pond that's marred by rain.

And thus it is I find I clearly sense

The shadow on my heart when you are near.

My guarded, gilded icon seems profane,

The tapers I have lit, a great offense.

To see my face in darkness is my fear...

"...It’s the right month of the year to have you here,

The ground gets cold but the skies are clear

And the angle of the sun

Could keep the shadows on the run."

-L

"If I had my way, if I had my way, if I had my way..."

2009-05-08T23:17:00.000-07:00

First post in a while, I realize.

Standard Spenserian with my signature 15th line-title.

Only notable trivia is that this one went through two complete sextet/title combos. I'm posting the final version first, with the unsatisfactory version second. Which do you prefer?

"... May this sad koan to my bread be yeast." -5/09/09

Now come, Delilah, lay your shears aside;

I tire of losing strength and losing hope,

Just tie the hair you've cut into a rope.

Although the separation means it's died,

In that is found the downfall of my pride

And narrowing of my potential scope:

The end of my ability to cope

And all salvation that was there implied.

So, from this state, can one who once began

From this bald place restart, though now the less;

And if I start the climb, perhaps the beast

May one day find himself where once a man

Had bravely dared to stand and to confess

That he was not his maker in the least...

(Unsatisfactory version)

"... Restore me to the race which once I ran" -5/9/09

Now come, Delilah, lay your shears aside;

I tire of losing strength and losing hope,

Just tie the hair you've cut into a rope.

Although the separation means it's died,

In that is found the downfall of my pride

And narrowing of my potential scope:

The end of my ability to cope

And all salvation that was there implied.

Perhaps a worm might crawl into that mess

and tangle, till he reach the topmost knot

And find himself a beast, where once a man

Had bravely dared to stand and to confess

That he was not his maker, though he sought

The one who did, and most of all who can...

"... I'd burn this whole building down."

-L

"Earth below us, drifting falling, floating weightless..."

2009-04-18T21:58:00.000-07:00

My first entry in some time, I realize. Lent was, in some ways, more a time of incompletion than completion. Exemplified, perhaps, by this piece. The first octet was written during Lent. When I came to the end, however, I wasn't sure how I wanted to finish it. The final two lines that I had were: "At times it seems too hard to run the race / When all the laurelled ones are watching you." bit I wasn't sure how to arrive there, so I ended up abandoning it. Plus, having written so many self-pitying poems already that Lent, I was unsatisfied with the final sentiment.

So then yesterday morning (or two days ago, very late at night), I got a sextet. Upon searching for a piece of paper to write it down, I wrote it upon the same sheet as the aforementioned octet. I then realized that the sextet actually completed the previous octet in a way that was currently satisfying to me. It's strange because I don't usually leave things unwritten. Or at least, I don't usually go back to fragments. I don't usually find them meaningful except on the night that they are created and subsequently abandoned (My inability to revise or revisit works being the core of my failure to produce any work of length). So this is a little bit of a novelty, and the two pieces may hang a little tenuously.

As it stands, however, I am simply glad to have completed it. Unfortunately, I didn't date the paper for the first segment, and I feel that the date for the second segment doesn't really convey when the entire piece was written, or the fact that it took shape over time. Perhaps the length of time between the segments, or its significance, are lost on the casual reader. Oh well. In form, it is an entirely typical sonnet for me.

"... And run this race as if I ran to you." -4/18/09 & Previous

Of all the rose, Saint Francis loved the thorns

But shower me with petals all the day.

When Moses spoke with God, he left with horns

But, though I speak, unchanged I walk away.

And Peter was instructed by his Lord

That Romans would direct him what to wear

Then lead him to the wages of his Word,

A prophecy which I could never bear.

I live in such an ordinary day-

to-day, and run at such a staggered pace

that, soon as I commence, collapse, am through.

I know I need to find a diff'rent way,

This stop-and-go's no way to run a race,

I need to set my eyes on something true...

"... Coming, coming home."

-L

"You got a fast car, but is it fast enough so we can fly away?"

2009-03-30T22:18:00.000-07:00

Updates have been lacking due to this past and current week being finals week/s. However, this morning I was looking for an old poem to read again and, searching for it on the blog, I realized that I never uploaded it. It must have been written during one of my long non-posting periods. In any case, it is a poem that I am currently feeling so I'll post it up now. Sometimes it is comforting to read something old that documents a place that can otherwise be hard to remember.

This one was written during the week in Israel. We were staying in a kibbutz named Nof Ginosar (not rhyming with Dinosaur, sorry Claire), translating roughly (if memory serves) to "The Prince's Garden", which I guess was an old name for the region. It was on the shore of the Sea of Galilee and the scene described below happened pretty much as transcribed. The guide had been telling us about Tiberius' history that day, but I have to credit Reez for the image of Tiberius at night as a rack of votive candles.

It has a sincerely strange rhyme-scheme, though it was quite a late hour so perhaps I wasn't trying for one. I should definitely try to write something in this or a similar scheme again though... for funzies. The scheme is: abbc abbc deeffg

It is also written roughly in dactylic trimeter (ending regularly with an extra stressed syllable), with a few lines starting with an extra unstressed syllable.

"The Window of Nof Ginosar" -3/12/07

The Lord woke me up at a quarter-to-five,

Calling from outside the window to me,

Speaking of faith and of storms on the sea,

And Christ in the sailboat, appearing to sleep.

Then I, for an hour, proceeded to strive,

Struggling to learn of this great mystery,

Thinking of faith like the storms on the sea:

A faith that’s unmoved as the Galilee Deep.

Oh distant Tiberius, built on the dead,

Can branches still grow from the root that you hide?

Burning like candles across the far side

And drawing my eyes to the twinkling span:

A lake bearing footprints of God and of Man.

Oh votive Tiberius, pray for us.

"We gotta make a decision: we leave tonight or live and die this way."

-L

"In our darkest hours we have all asked for some angel to come sprinkle his dust all around..."

2009-03-11T09:51:00.000-07:00

A perhaps little-known fact: Freshman year I had General Psych with... I no longer remember his name but he was Polish. In any case, every class he presented us with his typed notes, usually a 20-30 page bundle. For each class. So, even though most of the information was so basic that I didn't need the notes, I saved them for use as scrap paper rather than throwing them out. I put them in the back of my archive folder so, with the exception of the Metaphysics poetry, most of what I've written since has been on the back of these notes. It sometimes yields an interesting subtext and, this past time, inspired a little introspection.

The previous poem (see post below) was written on the last page of a study guide, and the title of this current poem is the last question from that guide. I realize that it's long, and a somewhat pretentious thing to name a fourteen-line poem, but I wanted to include the full context of what spawned my subsequent meditation.

This one has two Shakespearean quatrains and an Italian sextet. I like the first quatrain a lot. I have been trying to break my habit of ending sentences or phrases with linebreaks because I think that it, overall, makes for a more interesting, less stilted sound. I only really managed that in the first one though. The quatrains flowed without much difficulty, but the sextet was harder. In part because I wasn't sure how well it fit with the quatrains thematically (although it followed fairly directly in my mind) and in part because it was simply something that was hard for me to write. But you all know what to expect from me by now.

"72. Define similarity, closure, continuation and nearness as they pertain to perception." -3/11/09

I came at You with eyes flung open wide.

With elbows locked, I felt around for such

a thing as curled fingers may abide,

but I found nothing dead enough to touch.

I came at You as if You were a thought.

I tried to box You in with ev'ry tool

but, when I looked inside the cage I'd wrought,

found nothing dead enough to heed my rule.

I'm told that You are close to me in kind:

that I, from clay, was in Your image set.

But You're a spirit that I cannot see,

a word that will not fit inside my mind

and, worst of all I have not uttered yet,

a Father who so scarce resembles me.

"Cause this is nothing like we'd ever dreamt, tell Sir Thomas More we've got another failed attempt..."

-L

"Fight to the death, I'll see you in the next life..."

2009-03-09T06:29:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Insomnia Theatre.

I have, as usual, had a final line floating in my head for the past several days, just waiting for some idea of how to reach it. Often my poems start from the end like that. The self discovery found in the process of writing is not what conclusion I'll arrive at but rather the realization of how I arrived there.

In any case, after about 40 minutes of lying wide awake last night (was it the time-change? Who knows...) I got an inkling of a first line. After rolling over a few times and trying not to think about it, I got up and scribbled it in the dark before jumping back into my bed. Which I exited not many minutes later, trapped by the fact that a first line begets a second. So that's the story behind this one. Luckily, it didn't take long and I was in bed again within about twenty minutes, able to fall asleep. I wonder if perhaps the fact that I don't allow myself much interior time during the day results in this racing brain syndrome after I turn out the lights and everything is finally quiet. I swore that I was going to force myself to reflect more this Lent. So far, I haven't done much.

This is a somewhat irregluar sonnet. The octet is in Shakespearian format (abab, etc) except that I reversed the order on the second quatrain to attempt to duplicate the beatiful 4th-5th line transition in an Italian/Petrarchan quatrain (abbaabba). I'm not sure if this moment strikes you like it does me, but it seems like there is always this moment of transcendance when, finished with a quatrain, you hear that "a" rhyme again right after. It's like a second volta. It's like the moment that you reach the top of the hill and, after going up for a while, first feel gravity begin to pull you down. So, in any case, that's the effect that I was going for. The sextet is in a typical Italian form (cdecde), and even has a proper volta! I was so proud of myself. Okay. I realize that few of you read this paragraph, because it was fairly dense. But hopefully the Lit majors at least appreciated it. My point was that, in an attempt to duplicate the effect of the center of an "abbaabba", I made a "ababbaba" and I think it worked out pretty well. The title is, as ever, my spectral fifteenth line.

"... Then find myself a craven thing, a snail." -3/09/09

So ready to betray, the fearful heart,

Which finds itself unable e'er to bend.

And so, although it once was coaxed to start,

So ready finds itself to make an end.

It finds no bond to hold it in a friend,

For self-protection is its given art.

And so, when challenged, rather than defend,

At soonest sign of danger it will part.

This story, told in third, tells not as well

As that which, told in first, would sure excite

Emotions suiting truth within a tale.

The truth is: though You braved the Scorn of Hell,

I fear that I myself would lack the might;

I flee when "in this sign" I think I'll fail...

All in all, I think that this is the first thing that I've written in over a year that just flowed without feeling forced and, in fact, without respect for my sleep schedule. I think that's why I've been writing so much about the process of writing it. It just feels so good to get a dash of inspiration again, whatever the merits of the product.

"With a dull blade, could take all night."

-L

"There's no place on Earth I can hide from the wrong I've done..."

2009-03-01T21:05:00.000-08:00

I am not entirely sure how this one turned out... Any of those reading it: I need your opinion regarding the final sextet. When I started, all I had were the final two lines, which were in iambic quadrameter, so I decided to do a quint-quad-quad (x2) format for the sextet. What I need to know is: when you read it aloud to yourself, does it sound good? Or stilted?

EDIT: Based on my judgement, I changed the sextet to petrameter and have therefore changed the poem in this post.

In any case: this is Lenten. I sat down and made myself write it so, by nature, I am somewhat unsatisfied with it. It seems like, thematically, the first quatrain doesn't entirely mesh with the second. But in any case, I may change it later, but here it is.

"... but as I give the order, shed a tear." -3/02/09

Your eyes, like Circe, change a man to beast.

I've stared in, long and deep, and every time

The sacrifice I make may seem the least,

Forgetting: ev'ry compromise is crime.

I heard a voice today from wilderness;

I heard today the voice of locusts talk,

With honey on his tongue bade me redress:

He bade me to the Jordan River walk.

So I must weigh the things that I hold dear.

Although before I'd lose you I'd be dead,

Because of this I know I'll ne'er be free.

I know myself, and this is what I fear:

I'd freely give you John the Baptist's head

If ever you should deign to dance for me.

"... All or what little pleasure exists, seductively sold and uselessly mine."

-L

"I used to feel like California, with baby eyes so blue..."

2009-02-28T20:45:00.000-08:00

I was reading through my bulging archive-folder today (which actually ripped twice during the session, so I may need a new one), trying to get myself in the mood to write. I don't think it's happening at this point tonight, though perhaps it will come right when I'm ready for bed. I think that full half of my poems have been written at least a half-hour after my bedtime. The other half, of course, being written in Metaphysics class, sophomore year.

In any case, everyone should really have a physical archive-folder/book. It really is so fruitful to read through and see the two or three lines scribbled in the margins that never made it into poems. Sometimes it can respark the idea that you didn't have the wherewithall to do justice to years ago. In today's case, the fruit was tangible. I found a poem that I don't think I've ever shared. I would never have thought to look for it if I hadn't found the hard-copy, but Google Desktop found it in some hidden folder, a simple .txt called "Untitled". It would have been lost for good. Not that it is my favorite ever. It's from December of 2006, but I think that its theme fits the current season, so I'm posting it in lieu of original material tonight.

Here we go, a typical Shakespearean sonnet, as I was wont. As a matter of fact, it is a more proper Shakespearean sonnet than most of mine, seeing as it makes use of the volta and uses the final couplet to wrap the whole thing up. It is rather interesting, reading through my archive, to see how my style really has subtly changed over the years. I didn't think that it had.

Untitled (On the Subject of Humility) - 12/10/2006

At times, when I admire the trees and ground,

Extend a hand to touch the present world,

I feel a separation so profound:

My soul transcends Persephone unfurled.

Although her scented breath emits delight,

Although her lips are pomegranate red,

My lips have felt the Angel's coal so bright:

I breathe the breath of God, and hers is dead.

But still! Remember, oh my soul, the breath

That Love Himself expired on that day

Was breathed into a form of earthen flesh.

Thus so we are: immortal and decay.

So, lest the humble ground you start to spurn,

Remember: unto dust you shall return.

"... now I feel like Carolina, I split myself in two."

-L

"I read my lines, straight faced in the mirror. You are my camera."

2009-02-22T21:37:00.000-08:00

A new sonnet. It's a little rough around the edges, but at least I'm getting back in the game. I cannot for the life of me figure out how to punctuate the title.

I trust the task you started, you will end -1/09/09

Come out, come out my shadow-hidden friend.

This test must end in time, so why delay?

You swore that faith and hope must pass away,

And only Love can cause the world to mend.

For faith and hope are born in mortal hearts,

With mortal dreams, they live and die apace.

But, like the sun upon an upturned face,

We only know Your Love when Heaven parts.

But oh! If I could rend the iron sky

And, reaching up with hands stretched half in prayer

And half in desperation, give a cry

And know one syllable was heard, I'd dare:

"Come out, come out my shadow-hidden friend,

For only Love can cause a man to mend."

"Slouched over coffee, I'm faking artsy. We're playing dress up now."

-L

"Let our crowds be fed on tear-gas and plate-glass..."

2009-02-19T20:37:00.000-08:00

My inaugural post on a new blog.

I was doing some reading today and I happened upon a piece that I found intriguing. This is from John Farrow's Pageant of the Popes (1942):

"[Callistus was elected pope in 217AD] However Hippolytus, whose undeniable brilliance had won him a considerable following, declared the election to have been false and then allowed his own disciples to bestow upon him the title of Head of the True Church. Thus for the first time we have an Anti-Pope.

[...]

The pretensions of Hippolytus persisted after the death of Callistus, throughout the pontificate of Urban (222-230) and into that of Pontian. For the first five years of this Pope's reign, the struggle was bitter and grave, for Hippolytus was a dangerously skilled antagonist. Then, in a fresh outburst of persecution by an Emperor who took no trouble to differentiate between true or schismatic Christianity, both were banished to the Sardinian mines. In the stultifying confines of imprisonment, antipathies are usually intensified into deadly hatred: less commonly a friendship is formed, strong with understanding and loyalty. Happily, it was the latter case with Pope and Anti-Pope. Hippolytus acknowledged his error and made a complete and unconditional submission to Pontian, who, without rancor, received him back into the Church. Soon after, this new friendship was sealed with the bond of dual martyrdom." (p 13, 14)

The issue that this passage made me think of, of course, was the recent bout of dialogue with the SSPX. Granted: the SSPX has not set up an Anti-Pope and are not a schismatic group. Why, then, is it that their leader went to his grave without full reconciliation? Why do certain current heads of this group find reconciliation distasteful, even with a pontiff so friendly to their desires? I think that, while common persecution drew Hippolytus and Pontian together as brothers, the hierarchy of the SSPX has come to view the Church as their persecutor as much as the World. This is, of course, not objectively the case, however I think that, at the root of all of the much-bemoaned Traddy-Bitterness, you can see this schema of Church-as-Persecutor.

In reality, of course, we are both beset on all sides and must have "in essentials, unity; in doubtful matters, liberty; in all things, charity." I wonder how this can be attained, short of handing Fellay and Benedict XVI hard-hats and sending them to Sardinia...

"... 'cause a people united is a wonderful thing."

-L

"Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes"

2009-02-19T19:41:00.000-08:00

It is indeed a change for me to post anything.

At the same time, I am posting this mainly to note a change.

For Lenten purposes, I will likely be blogging frequently again, but I have decided to move to Blogger.

Reasons for this (provided because JG's recent defense of his remaining on LJ requires my reasons for leaving):

1) I was only ever on LJ because my friends used it, and only JG still uses it.

2) I already use 95% Google products to interact with the Internet, why not one more?

3) This blog is corny and, as corny as it was meant to be when it was created, I feel like making something that will be more relevant to my current cognitive-affective state.

4) I found a programme that will (purportedly) transfer all of my old LJ posts to my new Blogger account (which was my main concern anyways).

So my new blog will be starting at http://quid-retribuam.blogspot.com

I will soon be posting recent poetry and certain Lenten meditations.

"Turn and face the strange..."

-L

A Long-Awaited Update! (For Joe and my parents)

2006-11-05T12:09:00.000-08:00

This update is for those who wish I would update more.

You Are 24% Democrat

You're a bit Democrat, and probably more liberal than you realize.If you're still voting Republican, maybe it's time that you stop.

How Democrat Are You?

You Are 44% Republican

You aren't a full fledged Republican yet, but it's probably the party that fits you best.You probably consider yourself an independent Republican. You usually support the party, but you also think for yourself!

How Republican Are You?

I didn't vote this year. I totally forgot to register for an absentee ballot. Oh well. I am currently listening to Michael Sauter's pretty-much completed first movement of his first symphony. It is pretty fantastic, let me tell you. It's 13 megs, or I would email it to each and every one of you.

It is very interesting to read through all of the old household documents and realize where we have come/fallen/risen from. I am/have been working on a revision of our Lord's Day. I need to just start writing. :)

Hesychia,

-L

"Holy Diver, you've been down too long in the midnight sea..."

2006-09-19T19:59:00.000-07:00

Just got back from the Tuesday Night "P&W". My first time going this semester, but I decided I should give it a chance this semester as well. It really is different each semester. Anyways, I was still kind of in a Force One or Two Wig-Out on the Harburg Scale, which is down from my high of 4 today and certainly down from a solid 9 yesterday, so I wasn't really feeling like going. But I decided to anyways and God surprised me. It was actually pretty darn solid worship. Not quite to the level of Man Praise (which, I realized I haven't written about yet, but it was frickadiculous) but really... /nothing/ can beat over 30 men praising together. That's why I love the Christ the King Men's Retreat in February. Maybe some of the other guys from Ann Arbor will go back with me this year...

So anyways... I guess the news is that God loves me. Um... nothing /new/ exactly, but just as earth-shattering as the first day I heard Him say it. Yeah...

"Oh what's becoming of me..."

-L

"Sitting here watching you sitting here watching me sitting here watching you..."

2006-09-17T20:26:00.000-07:00

So, it's been a while. I'm not even going to try to sum up all of the things that have been going on. School has been fairly easy and even pretty interesting so far. This weekend has been a little tiering seeing as I have two three-page papers due at 1PM on Monday. But I already have the first one done and most of the quotations for the second one so... hopefully I can dash it off in the couple of hours I have tomorrow morning.

Last Monday, Odin led Meditation on St. Francis' Meditation on the Our Father. That was pretty profound. It was kind of one of those "God Coincidences" because I have definitely been meditating a lot on the Our Father ever since late summer. Everyone generally has a member of the Trinity that they're most comfortable relating to God as, and conversely many people have a person of the Trinity that they are less comfortable thinking of God as or praying to. My "less comfortable relating to" person is definitely the Father so I have been meditating on that a lot in an attempt to improve in that area. It has been super-fruitful so far. Maybe I'll write more about that later, maybe you can just ask me if you see me. Anyways, the main thing that has struck me over the past couple months is how Christ taught the disciples the Our Father not in response to the question "Lord, teach us a prayer" but rather "Lord, teach us how to pray". Therefore, the Our Father is not so much "a prayer" as it is a guide to the prayerful heart. It should form the background to every prayer that we say, forming our attitudes for approaching our Ever-loving Father. In keeping with my "theme" (I guess you could call it that?) of total surrender to God's will, the lines that struck me the most were, "Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven" and just how essential it is that those lines be behind every prayer that I say. Because, honestly, if the Lord answers that one then we're alright. No matter what.

I wrote another poem on Friday morning in adoration. I'm not sure it's anything too profound, but it's an issue that I think about every now and then. Just sort of the issue of loving things/people other than God (as much as anything that He created can be /other/ than Him). Yeah, I pretty much always end up on the side of "Well, you can't go wrong with love, so long as it's actual love!" I couldn't think of a good title for the longest time, so I just titled it after the Bible verse that inspired it. Just an FYI for those following along at home, it refers to the verses as they appear in the Douay-Rheims. I think some Bibles have it a verse off. Go here for that reference, in any case.

Ecclesiastes 5:17-19 -9/15/06

Oh Lord, I love the world around me much,

And not just simply as a type of You

Nor as a metaphor for what You do.

I love the good I see, and it as such.

Is this akin to rabbit loving hutch,

Instead of He who built the shelter there,

And do I in this love of creatures err?

Should I despise embraces for Your touch?

No, rather let the ox partake of grain

And let the laborer enjoy his wage

(Though I am so unworthy of my pay),

Nor should I from the gifts You give refrain.

I do not think that one could find a sage

Who’d say, “If you love Light then hate the day.”

I should have been asleep 30 minutes ago, but I'm just leaving to take a shower right now. Oh well... after tomorrow's over I can sleep easier.

"I'm waiting for something that is too real..."

-L

"Can we try for right now, free of doubt. If you give the chance I could try and figure out..."

2006-09-02T23:24:00.000-07:00

So, today was a pretty big day! It was the Household Olympics! Although they are held every year, this was actually my first time participating. Freshman year, I didn't really care enough about households to go "compete" in their name. Then last year, I was working all day Saturday. So I wasn't sure if I'd like it or not.

There was a costume contest associated with the Olympics that we didn't participate in because we basically didn't have any feasible ideas. So we skipped that part. We had an awesome team though. There were probably about five brothers on it, and seven freshmen. They were all pretty-much from Thomas' smallgroup, which was awesome. They are a great group of kids, and it is really encouraging to see them take an interest in household. For the rest of the day though (well... for three hours at least) we ran around competing in various events. The highlights of the Olympics were:

-creaming the Living Stones in a tug-of-war. I mean, seriously. We had them down in two pulls.

-doing pretty awesome at the stocking-head battle. It really can't be explained any better than that, except perhaps to clarify that the stockings were actually pantyhose.

-beating the record at the egg-toss. We only beat it by one foot in the recorded match, but we hit the highest marker they had set up (four more feet out) several times while we were practicing.

-losing a fearsome tug-of-war match to Foot of the Cross. We were at a standstill for seriously, like, five minutes before some of our unshod members started slipping and we lost. But it was still awesome.

So, yeah. After the Olympics we went straight into Lord's Day and pretty much all the kids who were on our team came. Most of them, it was their second Lord's Day with us, because they went with Thomas during Orientation Week. They are a pretty solid group of guys, and I am really glad to see that they love the campus and love the idea of households. It seems like each successive year is getting more and more excited about households, though I could be wrong. It is really encouraging though. Yeah.

So there was a FOP tonight, but I didn't go. After my pretty awesome talk with Anthony Muse on the way to the coordinator's retreat (he is the FOP Music Team co-leader this year, and has pretty much the same vision for FOPs as I do. i.e., less introspective/healing oriented stuff and more focus on God and praising Him) I really do intend to go to at /least/ one FOP this semester, if not many. But tonight I was pretty tired and just wanted to sit around. So after brushing off the usual "You don't want to go to the FOP? Are you feeling alright?", I read about 5 pages of Erasmus and played a good deal of Call of Duty 2 with the fellas. All-in-all a pretty fun evening, but there is actually still more.

See, lured by the promise of "free pizza", I threw on my Hawaiian shirt and went to the "Caribbean Party" in the JCWC after the FOP. So it turned out that the pizza cost $1/slice, so I bought two anyways. The rest of the evening was spent hanging out with first Thomas, Ken and JP because I came with them, then hanging out with Claire and Tina because Tina is down here visiting for the weekend, and it had been a while since I'd talked to her, then hanging out with Liz and Phil because well... the former is always a good time, and I haven't talked to Phil in quite some time either. So all in all a very successful social evening. :)

But indeed, I am not done yet! On my way back to the dorm, I met Nate, who informed me that SOL was inducting three girls tonight. So we gathered together all our art skills/strange, sad little minds and pumped out some construction-paper signs. There were actually some pretty darn good ones in there. So yeah: Maria Bagel, Littledorf and Annagall are all in SOL now. That's kind of fun. We all went over and hung out with them after we put the signs up on the Bagel/dorf door. That was fun as well. It had been a while since I had hung out with the sisters, but they are always a bundle of fun. Christa was there (well, I mean, of course... why wouldn't she be?) and, although we never exchanged a single word the entire time, somehow it wasn't really awkward for one of the first times since last February. At least, it didn't feel awkward to me. And... I dunno. That's kind of big. It made me happy...

Anyways. God moves in really incredible ways. I went to confession to Fr. Conrad yesterday, and my spirits have been lifted ever since. God works His plan of salvation so beautifully in my life, and all that I have to do is wait for His signal to act. There are so many things that I don't know, but I find my only certainty in this: that the loving Father is watching over me.

"I'm kind of scared because I don't know how.

But I'm watching the close calls and catching my breath now."

-L

"Well you are worth more than the man I am, sad and in love..."

2006-09-01T22:08:00.000-07:00

I wrote something tonight. I think the idea came to me yesterday. It is based off of one of Aesop's Fables, though I admit to having entirely recontextualized it. I haven't put it on the website yet, partially because Geocities is blocked by the Internet here, and partially because I am still somewhat uncertain as to whether I should put it in a relatively well-established section, or use it to start a new one altogether. But I guess that's really what the poem's about in the first place...

Anyways, a sonnet. Strange semi-Spenserian, semi-Shakespearian rhyme-scheme. The title is the ephemeral "fifteenth line" that I really wish I could have included, but alas: my desire to write sonnets precludes that desire.

"... The Answer That You Give, I Will Attend" -9/1/06

Oh tell me, Phoebus, this I have in hand

And trembling keep thus clutched unto my breast

So long without the sun and without rest

Is there a hope that it has strength to stand

Much less attempt the flight it does demand?

This bird, oh Phoebus, underneath my cloak

That flaps its wings to hear your shining name

Is its small heart too strong for me to tame?

Its quivering wings too strong to e'er be broke,

Except perhaps by any word you spoke?

This question, Phoebus, does on you depend:

Does this small life deserve to live or end?

"Marking miles of martyrs

Of better men, of better men than me

And I wanted to tell you, I just didn't know how"

-L

"So this is my goodbye, surprised 'cause I thought I could walk you home tonight..."

2006-08-27T22:17:00.000-07:00

So I don't figure that anyone else is really going to be updating their LiveJournals much now that we're back at school. However, as I told Claire, I do have a somewhat small audience at home, so I guess I still have a reason to write.

The past week and a half (or whatever) has been heck of hectic. I haven't gotten more than 8 hours of sleep in any one night, and a couple times quite a bit less. It has generally been a period with relatively little free-time and always something that you have to do. On the other hand, it has been pretty awesome. For some reason, every Orientation Week that I do seems to be showered with grace, and this past "week" was no different.

The coordinators' retreat was really great. It was one of the best weekends that I've had in a while, and blossomed into quite a cool week. It was great to meet all of the coordinators from the various households and to discover what God was doing in and through them. It is so easy sometimes to get tunnel-vision in that regard and forget that God moves outside of your own little life. So it was great to meet new people, and to hang out with Liz and Susanna. The talks were, for the most part, quite good and inspirational.

The "OT" training week itself was a little bit boring. Hanging out with people was definitely the highlight seeing as the talks were /very/ plentiful and often got a little repetitious. Still some good stuff though, and definitely some fun lunchtimes/dinners/late-night Walmart runs.The new freshmen on wing are really solid. I was somewhat disappointed not to get a small-group this year, but have been hanging out with Thomas' small-group enough to make up for not having one. I was afraid that they might be the kind of kids who just stay inside their rooms and make you come tell them "Look, hang out with us! Come eat with us!" but they really aren't. Of course, it helps that we are often pretty loud and in the hallway, but hey: that is our charism. So yeah, these kids have a lot of potential.

Friday night, Claire and I stayed up until 3:30AM smorking a cigar and having a much-needed "so, what have you been up to in the past year" conversation. It is always good to hear how God is working in someone else's life, and to get their take on your own current experiences. I dunno. It was really enjoyable, and I think that's all I'll say about that.

Today was no less action-packed than the rest of the week. A very enjoyable brunch was eaten, after which Reez and I hung out in Trinity for a bit. She wanted to play a board-game so we rounded up 6 people for a game of Clue (which is an awesome game). It turned out to be the shortest Clue game ever, clocking it at probably 15-20 minutes, but it was very fun. After that, I went to the "Dinner for 12 Strangers" with Thomasino's small-group. There were three small-groups (a little over 30 people) there, so it was kind of packed, but it was fun. Justice Gibson and Katie Patton were both there from the Marian group, so I was not the only kid to tag along. Plus: I got to show off my double-jointed shoulders in the "get to know you" part of it. After that, Thomas and I were going to watch 28 Days Later with Cory (a kid from his small-group), who had never seen it, but I guess he disappeared off to the Ice Cream Social. So we raided DVDan's movie collection and found one that Thomas assured me I should see: Dog Soldiers. It is a thriller about this small group of soldiers being hunted by a pack of werewolves. It was pretty darn good, and not just "for a horror B-movie". Some pretty creative problems and solutions, which is pretty much the core of any horror/thriller movie. After that we dashed off to the last showing of the Orientation Week play (called "Supressed Desires"). It was a very funny comedy about Freudian psychoanalysis. Quite good. Now, I am tired, and totally ready for bed.This has been a very interesting past couple weeks, internally. I don't know. God seems to be leading me in some interesting directions, and I have great hopes for this new semester. The strangest part about it being that I am more at peace now than I have been in a long time, certainly in comparable situations. Or at least, I am most of the time. The past half-week or so has reminded me of how much our past still affects us, even when we think we've left it behind. This semester has almost more potential than any other to be /really/ tough, but I pray that my irrational fears prove insignificant in God's plan and that any struggles that He sees fit to give me may be opportunities for great grace. I can barely keep my eyes open.

"But you're leaving me here on the defense... [to give up now doesn't make much sense]"

-L

"He was skilled at capturing a feeling that most of us just miss..."

2006-08-17T23:55:00.000-07:00

So, I can't believe that I forgot to mention this in the previous entry, but there has been a slight tragedy. I will no longer have a car next year at school. It had been making a scraping noise about 1/3rd of the time when you turn slightly left, so we took it into the shop. The guy said it's the brakes, and we need to replace them for $1,200. Which there is no way we're doing for a $3,500 car. So, yeah. No car next year. It's a bit of a relief knowing I won't have to pay for a parking permit or gas though. And hey, I survived two years without a car anyways. I can still just mooch rides. **shrugs** What can I say... snakes on a plane, I guess.

Anyways, speaking of which: SNAKES ON A PLANE. It was really funny. It was pretty darn funny. If you go into it expecting something other than an over the top movie where the premise is funnier than any of the actual lines, you'll be mislead. It is not funny in that they are quipping one-liners back and forth. In fact, the situation is taken quite seriously by most of the characters. It's the rediculousness of this situation, however, that is funny. It also went way further into the whole triller/horror aspect than I thought it would. I guess I figured it would downplay that side of the movie based on the number of people going to see it purely for the cheese factor. But there are some pretty jumpy/freaky scenes, and some pretty graphic snakebites. For that matter, there is also one rediculously graphic sex-scene which ends, of course, with the amorous couple being bitten by a snake. This movie, as a sort of self-consciously cheesy 80's horror flick, almost requires that sort of scene. This is, however, the start of a five-minute period in which, almost /systematically/, every single erogenous zone is bitten by a snake. You can just imagine the director checking them off on a clipboard or something. So, that whole part was a bit out of control. Ed said that it was "the Wrath of God being revealed unto the fornicators!", which Aaron loved. On the whole: I loved the movie. At least half of it was probably the late night with a bunch of guy friends on opening day, but I would be willing to see it again.

Anyways, after that we headed back to the condo and just chilled for a bit. Kind of my "last night in town". I still have not /actually/ started packing. I cleaned my room/put away all my clothes today, which will make it easier to pack tomorrow. It just doesn't seem real. Not so much the "going back to school" thing, but definitely the "packing all of my belongings" thing. I dunno. We'll see what this next year brings... here's hoping for grace and blessings.

"The simple pain of living with goodbyes on our lips..."

-L

"It's not you... It's just the fact that lives come together, They fade apart..."

2006-08-16T20:17:00.000-07:00

A short update tonight before I get to bed. Though I've noticed that even when I intend a short post, it sometimes ends up on the longish side... "c.f." the last post. This week has kind of worn me out, no matter how short it was. And there is plenty to do before it's over. Like, packing. Which, actually, never takes as long as I think it will.So: we have confirmed Snakes on a Plane tickets for tomorrow at 10PM! I'll let y'all know how it is. I am trying to think of some way that I can dress up for the movie... I don't have any snake-costumes. I'm thinking of face-painting snake-eyes on my eyelids. I just feel like doing something fun for my last Ann Arbor fling...Guess what? I found the first CD I ever bought today! I know! It was probably from like, 6th grade. I didn't buy another CD until late 8th grade. But this one was quite a fun find! It's "The Best of James Bond: 30th Anniversary Collection"! Essentially, every Bond theme-song from Dr. No through Diamonds are Forever. Not only does it have a couple tracks on there that are heck of solid ("All the Time in the World" by Louis Armstrong), but it out-nostalgias even most of my "nostalgia" CDs! So yeah. I am pretty geeked to have found that, and I've been listening to it tonight (well, I've moved on now, but I listened to the whole thing once through already... and ripped it to my computer).Also: a poem that I wrote a couple of nights ago. I was considering expanding it, but I'm not sure if I will, so I guess I'll just post it up. It just seems kind of short is all. It is written in a core of dactylic trimeter again. Realize that it is a rough draft, I guess, but feel free to give input/output. Heck, I'm not sure what to title it! So, for now, I present:"Untitled - 8/13/06"Under a streetlamp where two dark roads meetI clearly can see what lies under my feetThough darkness on all sides surrounds meI cannot determine the length of the journeyNor what sort of life each road has at its endI know only that I am here at the crossroadsAnd that I must choose a path ere I begin."And [leave] pure remnants of an unsure bond. Perhaps we trust too much in this invisible thread to move on..."-L

"Tonight, tonight I'm feelin real good, feelin just about right!"

2006-08-15T19:19:00.000-07:00

So, I have a good deal of "last week" things that I could write about. However, I'm pretty tired (I say that /every/ entry) and need to get to bed. So I will probably do a "last week" bullet-point update at some point. For now, dear readers, content yourselves with a brief synopsis of today's mentionable points.

Claire Gilligan had been crossing my mind for some reason the past few days. As usual, being pretty horrible at "getting in touch" with people, I did nothing but think: "Oh, it might be nice to see her in a few days...". However, this afternoon she took a quick break from her frantic packing and we talked for what must have been a few hours. That was probably the highlight of my day. I was glad.

Also, with Ms. Gilligan in mind as I went to fill up my car with gas (it was on empty), I paused to reflect on the fact that she isn't allowed to pump her own gas. This "bringing to mind" of the Gilligan, the actualizing of the superactual reality of knowing Claire, if you will, was further accentuated by the fact that, as I drove up to the station, someone drove off with the hose still in their tank, resulting in it being pulled off of the pump. It detached quite neatly, so I think there was a safety mechanism. That scene from Garden State just sprung to mind though, and seeing as New Jersey is the Garden State, and also seeing as we watched Garden State at Claire's house, Spring Break of this year was brought to mind. Good times. Spring Break had already been mulled over the past day or so due to me having to reface several revelations/convictions that I had over that break. Don't you love it when you're like, "Ah yeah... I was going to work on that, wasn't I?"

Lest this illustrious medium become "The Gilligan Trackers' Digest" (not that that wouldn't be a worthy topic for a very creepy journal), I will mention a few non-Claire related events/thoughts of the day. Directly after I filled up the car, my dad and I went to Dairy Queen and got some ice-cream. I got a small chocolate cone dipped in cherry. I hadn't had that since at /least/ 8th grade, maybe 4th grade. But it was the unvarying standard of my youth. So it was good to relive those childhood days. It still tasted pretty excellent.

Also: I went to 7:30PM Mass today. Happy Feast of the Assumption. I sat next to Aaron, Ed and Bobby, which provided for some hilarious times during the course of the liturgy (e.g. Aaron's voice totally giving out as he stretched for a high note during a song, the very amusing Sign of Peace between Aaron and I). After Mass, Fr. Ed was mass-inducting people into the Brown Scapular. My dad and I had never done it, so (on a semi-whim) we both did. It was something that had been put off for some time. I dunno. We'll see how that whole thing goes. Feels pretty good so far.

Last thing: Aaron, Ed and Bobby and I are probably going to go see "Snakes on a Plane" this Thursday at the midnight showing (this Friday, actually) when it opens. I'm not sure if Ed got the tickets yet, but he was supposed to buy them today. I am quite looking forward to it. I think that my expectations for the movie are accurate (which always makes movies more enjoyable) and it is quite an appropriate cultural event to attend before descending once more to the cultural void of Steubenville.

"Today, today anything goes with me..."

-L

"Someday I'll show you a place: a monster-free Tokyo!"

2006-08-11T21:00:00.000-07:00

I feel like maybe I should share with you some of the treasures that I have been discovering recently. Some of them are similar, but all of them are excellent.

1) http://www.wefeelfine.org/

This site is an interactive Flash programme that looks for the phrase "I feel" in blogs worldwide and grabs the sentence it's in, so that you can see how people all across the Internet are feeling. Put it on "Murmurs" in the lower left to simply have a scrolling list of the sentences rather than the trippy-yet-cool floating-dot interface. And, even better, when the sentence scrolls by, clicking on it opens up the post that it's from! This is definitely for those of you who cherish moments of connexion with complete strangers.

2) http://www.postsecret.blogspot.com

PostSecret is probably one of the best things I've ever heard of. It is a fascinating mix between community art, sociological research and psychological research/therapy. The idea is: you take a postcard. You write a secret on it that you have never told anyone else and decorate it however you want. You mail it in to that address and they will post certain ones (he can't post /all/ of them) on the blog every Sunday. The most unfortunate part about this whole thing is that he doesn't keep an archive! That makes me sad, but fortunately everyone on the Internet saves their favorites to disc so doing a Google Image Search on "Postsecret" yields thousands of results. They also have at least one book out. You can get it on Amazon (I don't think I will, but still...) As with above, this is awesome for people who love communal art, psychology and feeling moments of connexion with complete strangers. It is always a jolt when you read your own secret that you've never told someone, in another person's handwriting, on a postcard you've never seen before.

3) Graffiti Art

One of the websites I found starts with this line: "If you want an audience--Start a fight." That's kind of what graffiti is all about. I have a thing for public art. We just don't have any anymore! All of our art is in museums, and the only art that still speaks are the old pieces that (due to their universality) still have relevence to "the human condition". Most modern art exists only in museums and says /nothing/. It is seen only by art critics, who then either create meaning for it, or glory in its lack of meaning. Anyways, enough ranting on that. My point is that I love it when graffiti transcends the simple "Kilroy wuz here" taggers and moves in to fill up that slot of poignant, meaningful, colorful art that is lacking in our everyday life. I think that this piece says it best, and is in fact currently my desktop. So, yeah. I have been searching the Internet for cool graffiti art, with success. I should learn how to use spray-paint. I dunno... I'm not advocating vandalism... Just, yeah.

So anyways, that's what I've been doing with my time recently, instead of posting on LiveJournal. My last day of work is Wednesday, which is going to be a half-day anyways because I need to get a chip in my tooth filled. So, the end approaches. It somehow seems too soon. I am pretty blitzed, so I think I'll go to bed. Soon...

"And our footsteps will be light, the future will be bright!"

-L

"And I said that you must do what is right. And I know you must do what's best for you."

2006-08-09T18:36:00.000-07:00

So here is my nutshell summary of my trip to Canada. I put it off (once again) too late at night, so I am kind of tired, but if I don't write it now, I doubt I ever will.So I drove up there Friday evening, leaving at about 5:45PM. The drive was just under 3 hours and went without incident. The customs guy at the border rapid-fired some questions at me, just to make sure my story didn't fall apart under questioning, but he seemed to be satisfied with the "visiting a friend from college" excuse. So pretty much as soon as I got there, Pinne, his girlfriend Julie and his friend Ian and I all went to see Talledega Nights (Ian was quite geeked for it, and sprung for the tickets). It was pretty standard Will Ferrell comedy, so far as I'm concerned, by which I mean: hit and miss. Some parts were pretty funny, other parts just fell completely dead. Some stuff is clever, some stuff is straight up medio-core (or: mXc). On the one hand, it was cleaner than Anchorman; on the other hand, it was less funny. So, **shrugs** See it if you want. I'd wait until it's at the dollar-theatre, myself.

After that, we cruised the town, having some fun in what is apparently the norm there. This involved shouting random things such as "Hey!" or "Smokers are jokers!" out the window at people who were just standing there. We also pranked fast food drive-thrus. This involved Pinne or Ian attempting to order items that were not on the menu (such as the "Hot Turkey Jam Packet") in a quick, mumbled voice and driving off once they asked us to come to the front window. I took a spectator role and merely absorbed the culture. After that, we went home and went to bed at about 4:30AM.

Saturday morning started at 11AM with a breakfast of cereal, and just chillin/showering until early afternoon. At that point, we headed to Pinne's church, which was about 30 minutes away, stopping to pick up Julie on the way. Fr. Graham had booked us to do music for two weddings in a row. Both weddings were "in-and-out" affairs. One couple had requested that their ferret be ringbearer, and were denied. The other couple had their 3-year-old daughter present, and gave her a ring too at that part of the ceremony. The weddings were decently attended, but we three (kings of orient) were the only ones who gave the responses. So perhaps the family that was pressuring them to get married in the Church weren't that Catholic themselves? Who knows... I just figure, hey: God works with what faith we've got. I'm sure He'll bless them as much as they let Him, and marriage is certainly a step.

So after that we went to Julie's house and hung out there for a while until we were invited for dinner. We went out into their corn-field and picked some corn to replenish their road-side stand, then took the day-old corn for eatings. We grilled chicken on their crazy grill and ate it. After that, we hung around her house a bit more, then went Cosmic Mini-Golfing, which was a new experience to me. Apparently it exists up in Canada though. It is essentially minigolf inside, in the dark, lit only by ultraviolet lights. The walls were painted with a bunch of ultraviolet animals, so that looked pretty coo. Julie's little sister and I were on a team, and we ended up winning, which was fun. After that, we did 5-Pin Bowling (another Canadian specialty) in the same building! It involves only 5 pins, and a much smaller ball that one chucks down the aisle rather than sticking your fingers in it. I followed my traditional bowling pattern: starting off strong, faltering near the middle and falling headlong on my face three inches from the finish line. But it was fun!

After that we took a snack break at the DQ, then went drive-thru pranking again before we dropped the girls off at their house. This time, I took three of the drive-thrus, and had a lot of fun asking them if the turkey-bacon sandwiches were kosher, if the Burger Specials were free-range beef, and which way they stirred the coffee. Then Pinne and I went out drinking. You have the summary of alcohol consumed by me (see two posts down). Be assured, if you are the sort of person who worries about that kind of thing, that neither Pinne nor I was anywhere near "hammered". We were quite lucid and had no trouble speaking or thinking. The only irregularity you might have noticed was our sudden obsession with heel-toe walking every straight line we encountered. We did this flawlessly. Anyways, those fears out of the way, I will proceed to a short synopsis of the evening. We started at about 12/12:30AM by walking (so we didn't have to worry about driving at the end of the night) 10 minutes to a comfortable drinking establishment named Crabby Joe's. There we sat in a booth, ate peanuts, and drank most of our drinks. We were alone in the bar, and had quite a good time. At one point, this woman came up to Pinne, sat next to him and said, "Hi, I work here, and I've been having a really crappy night. I was just down at Koolz (the hippest new club in town) for a party, and it was all full and happenin, then I come back here and it's empty except for you guys. I'm pretty hammered now, but anyways. I just need to know: do you guys like it here? Was the service good? Will you come again?" we assured her that we loved it, etc. and she said, "Good, that's all I wanted to know" and left. On our way home, Pinne proposed that we check out Koolz, so we did. We bought the last drink on the list and stood around watching the dance floor. It was pretty much too loud to talk. It was interesting, because it was not really that young of a crowd. Not exactly your "party scene". We had a good reflection on "the culture" based on this experience, though, and left. Upon arriving home at about 1:30, we talked to Mrs. Pinne for a while, then when she went to bed, we channel-surfed and web-browsed. We happened upon Goldeneye (excellent movie) on TV and watched it for a bit until I started dropping off and declared that we should go to bed. That was around 3:30AM.

Sunday morning also started at about 11AM. Pinne's grandma made us a large breakfast of eggs, toast and bacon. It was da-fishes! I was stuffed! After that, we hung around the house a bit and showed each other various hilarious YouTube videos. Then we left at about 4PM for LifeTeen music practice. Pinne is a regular there, but I was kind of sprung upon them. Pinne brought his djembe and I rocked that out for the duration of Mass. It was my first public djembe performance, and first ever Mass-played, but regardless I had a pretty good time. I have been meaning to buy a djembe for a while so I can play at Steubenville... maybe I will someday.

After Mass I said my goodbyes and left for home at about 7:30PM. I expected to arrive back at about 10/10:30PM, but I got stuck at the bridge for TWO HOURS. The line up to the bridge was an hour, then it took an hour to actually cross the bridge. Rediculous. So I finally got home at about 12:30AM and went to bed. So yeah. The trip was an absolute blast, and Monday was a spaced-out day at work...

In more current news: Randy and I, according to Randy's information, have both made the newest cut of Survivor: TRW Factory. That makes about the 3rd cut I've survived, and the 5th that he has. We are the champions, my friends! We'll keep on packing 'til the end! (which is one week from today! Horray!) So yeah. Maybe I will tell you about some of the people who /didn't/ make the cut. You kids already heard about Shanna, but there is at least one other kid who bears mentioning. Sorry this entry is so long and late. Yeah. It should have been more effusive, but it was my bedtime 30 minutes ago. If you live in Ann Arbor, I want to see you one more time before I leave. If you go to Steubenville, I am excited to see you soon. If you live in Canada... well. I love you bro, and I'll see you again pretty soon.

"In our hearts, we must carry on."

-L

"When I'm at [work] it's like I'm dead..."

2006-08-08T18:42:00.000-07:00

Sorry, you all will have to wait a little while longer for a synopsis of my Canada trip. Last night I was too tired to write it, and wasn't feeling too well. Tonight, I am too tired, and it is too late. So, hopefully tomorrow.

Have you ever had the experience where second-guessing God does absolutely /nothing/ other than make you anxious and impatient? Stop trying to ruin His surprises, dogg. Just stop it. But then again, you're pretty afraid that maybe there is no happy surprise for you, eh? That if you don't make it happen, it never will. Trust in the Lord always. I went to Fr. Victor for confession today and that is exactly the advice that he gave me. Trust in the Lord. Sometimes it is so easy.Work is starting to chafe a bit, in my final week. Partially the fact that the work is repetetive and boring, and the boss is being more strict now, mainly just the fact that I have to get up and spend 8 hours of my day in the same place and then have to go to bed by 10PM. Anyways, I am managing. I am coping. I am mainly torn between wanting work to be over, and wanting to hang out with my friends here before I leave. So, yeah. There's my conundrum. But I will make it through, one day at a time. I will survive... I will survive. As long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive.

Also: I had a sweet idea for a rock-opera at work today, and started composing parts of it in my head. Unfortunately, I am musically void, so I would have to get Steve or someone to do the entire music part. Oh well, day-dreams at $9/hour.

"Then the weekend comes and I resurrect..."

-L

Last night, I swallowed liquor and a lighter, and this morning I threw up fire

2006-08-05T23:07:00.000-07:00

1 pint of Guinness

1 tequila shot

1 shot of amaretto

1 Smirnoff Twisted Green Apple

I am feeling very good, and have been having a wonderful weekend. A full report follows when I return. Also: Pinne and I are watching TV, flipping channels. Goldeneye is on TV! AWESOME!

"But it's nothing new, I've been piecing it together, it's got something to do with [you]"

-L

It's not something I'd recommend, but it is one way to live...

2006-08-03T18:44:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the last day of the week! I've almost made it! At about 5PM tomorrow, I will be on the road to the Frozen North, and by this time tomorrow I will have arrived at Pinne's house several hours ago. I am really looking forward to it, if you couldn't tell.

So there's this girl (the only girl, actually) at work. Um, I realize what that sentence sounds like the beginning of (there is only one sort of conversation that begins with the words "so there's this girl...") but... no, not at all. Anyways, she's 23 and has two kids, one 2-year-old and one 8-year-old (one of the hi-low drivers' comments: "That is /way/ too young to have an 8-year-old!" to which she said, "I know!"). So that puts the birth of her first child when she was 15 years old. The child's conception likely when she was 14. Wow. A life like that kind of blows my mind. What does it do to someone to be a parent that early? Not that she's /exceptionally/ mature because of it. The children live with their father, who she dated for 11 years (they are broken up now) but never married. He, referred to as "My baby (sic) daddy", is 30 years old now. This places him at the age of 21 at the conception of the first child. That is just... I'm not even going to touch that one. The coupe de grace: the reason for their breakup after 11 years of dating and two children was cited as "That nigga /crazy/!" -- Golly... y'think?!

Inci-dentally (hahaha... that pun will make sense in a second, I promise) this girl (who is fairly cheerful and considerate, actually) spent a couple minutes enthusing about my teeth and how perfect they are, and how much girls like good teeth on a guy. She was also quite impressed to hear that I've never had a cavity. So I guess... yeah. I've never put much thought into my "grill", but hey. A bit of an ego-booster, I guess. Of course this is the girl who spends every break obsessively filing her huge, shiny fingernails in an attempt to remove the dirt from them. So maybe she just has a thing for... heck, I don't even know what similarity to draw between teeth and fingernails! Vestigal self-defense tools, perhaps?

Anyways, it is kind of fun to get to know people who I probably wouldn't hang out with in any other situation. I love seeing where different people come from. Anyways, that's what college jobs are for: to convince you to stay in school!

"But what is simple in the moonlight, by the morning never is..."

-L

"So I scratch and scrape to find a reason to live in a God or a girl..."

2006-08-01T18:09:00.000-07:00

I have not posted recently. This has been due to my rereading of Harry Potter frenzy. I am done now. In that vein: Happy Birthday to him. Yesterday was totally the little dude's birthday. Anyways. That said, I enjoyed them a lot more this time around. I dunno. I'm not a "fanboy" or anything... but I like them. Yeah, but this entry is kind of a random, catch-up-with-Luke thing. Also: anyone have any good books I can read now? Preferably books that grip you, rather than books that you enjoy having read once they're over. And: no Clive Cussler. I have a semi-irrational dislike for him.

So, it has been /really/ hot here recently. Just this week. It makes it extremely hard to work in, especially considering the fact that it has also been exceptionally humid. Breathing is like trying to breathe in water or something. 90-degree water. I went through about 70oz of water today and only had to pee a little bit, once. That's how much I sweat. Sweated? Tomorrow night it is supposed to cool off though so... here's hoping.

I have started to get kind of sick of my job by now. It is a bit boring, and no longer as lenient as it once was. So what's getting me through this week is the fact that I'm going to visit Pinne in Canada this weekend. That will be my blast of the summer. After that, the fact that my last day of work is August 17th will keep me going. Just a few more weeks, literally!

I have not really been thinking any deep thoughts or living any deep experiences recently. Just... making money, y'know? It is kind of sad, but that is life often enough. Lord... I'm just waiting for You. Whenever you want to surprise me, y'know...

On the one hand, I can't wait for school to start because my social life will sky-rocket (not that I won't really miss the fun times here at the condo...), on the other hand: do I want to write a paper? In other news -- Teddy Grahams: The Best Thing Ever?

"Oh I tried, I tried to abandon guilt and other things that don't exist..."

-L

She's like a hot cloth on a fevered head, and like a needle she leads me (well I follow like thread)

2006-07-27T13:45:00.000-07:00

So. I've been home sick the past day and a half with some sort of 12-hour flu. It was nothing /nearly/ as severe as Arconti's Revenge. I only threw up twice, and the rest of the time has been quite relaxing! I have spent my time:

1) Reading like a fiend. It is sad that I only read when I am sick these days, but generally my Honors reading tires me out and I don't feel like touching any books the whole school year. But yeah, I am generally much happier when I'm reading a lot of stuff that I like. I decided, in my illness, to re-read the Harry Potter books. I have gotten through the first three since 6PM last night (about 350-430 pages each). I plan to start the fourth one as soon as my Mom brings it home from the Library, and may finish it tonight. Reez and I saw the latest two movies this summer (which were actually quite enthralling! I had only seen the first), and I had been wanting to reread the books so I could read the latest one. Generally my interest in Harry Potter has not gone beyond getting Potterheads all worked up by suggesting that Harry and Hermione should totally be going out, but they really are quite amusing books. I stand with my statement that they are not "Great Books", but reading them in sequence has given me more respect for JK Rowling. I think that she may have actually planned the books out in advance, because I keep finding little things mentioned that don't come to fruition until several books later. Anyways.

2) Watching movies. I saw Henry VIII, which was /excellent/. Very long, but well written and superbly acted. I am not sure how historically accurate it is, but it certainly seemed like a very nuanced take on the subject. I also watched Howl's Moving Castle. Now, I am not the Miazaki fanatic that Mr. Hottburg is, but I did quite enjoy Princess Mononoke. Nausicca was a little "meh", but yeah. Anyways, Howl's Moving Castle was at /least/ as good as Princess Mononoke! I think the main part that I liked was that it was hilarious. I usually find the Japanese sense of humor to be very... foreign? But yeah. It has some hilarious characters, and was a light-hearted yet meaningful story.

3) Drinking stuff that makes my teeth feel gross. I have little areas of OCD paranoia, and my grill is definitely one of them. I don't generally like to drink pop or really sweet stuff, but alas... what can you do?So. Back to work again tomorrow, then it will be the weekend! I think Aaron will unfortunately be gone (I missed a movie night due to illness, alas) but perhaps I will chill at the condo with Bobby and Ed anyways. :) I need some society.

"And I need more grace than I thought..."

-L

"Jonah, where's that boat going - Your ship set with eager sails?"

2006-07-25T17:39:00.000-07:00

Dear undeserving beloved: nothing that we have is our own. None of our virtue or righteousness is ours by nature, but rather by mercy and gift. How merciful is our Father, who has forgiven us far more numerous than 70x7 times! How great a salvation, that comes not once but every moment! How humble should we be, His children, meek in our borrowed strength as only gratefulness can make us?

My dear undeservingly blessed: every blessing in our life: faith, hope and foremost LOVE comes from God, and not our own strength. How great must the Spring of All Blessings be, to birth such powerful tributaries in our hearts? How great was the gulf between God and man that He bridged with His body? How great is His love and mercy that He fills our hearts with Love Incarnate, His very self?

Dear undeservingly holy children: we are untouchable. The Adversary may surround our lives with evil, but he can never place a single speck of blame on our souls unless we reject our Father in favor of sin. Our hearts, longing for God, may nearly break when they see perversion and wickedness around us, but rejoice! Your loving Father has made our sufferings fertile with grace gained, and has redeemed even the grave!

Dear undeserving saved: allow yourselves a moment to feel the full weight of your debt to your Savior, so that it may blossom into gratitude, humility and love. Then entrust your day, your future, your whole life, death and final joy to the loving, capable hands that have already been pierced to save your soul from destruction. This is something that I do not do nearly often enough.

"No use, fishermen, in rowing from a consecrated whale!"

-L

Revolution is just a word, loses more each time it's heard

2006-07-24T16:45:00.000-07:00

So yeah. I got a cell-phone this past weekend. The phone (which is really nice) was free as part of my mom & sister's upgrade deal, and it was only $10 to add someone new onto the family plan so... we went for it! This means I am one of four people on a 700minute/month plan, so it is mainly for calling other Verizon phones or after 9PM or on weekends. That said, I would love to hear from anyone who cares to give it a ring. The number is on my Facebook account, if you want it. I am assuming that pretty much everyone who reads this (it occured to me the other day that I have /no/ idea who actually reads this anymore) is a Facebook friend of mine, so you can get it there. So yeah, give me a call so I can add your number or talk to you or something.

Yeah. So we buried my grandpa this past weekend. All of the aunts and my cousin Cate (as well as the little cousins Joel and Jake, who are pretty coo) came into town for the last half of the week (they usually come into town for the Art Fair, which was this weekend, anyways). It was a noisy blast having them around, as always. I have (pretty awesome/funny) pictures up on Facebook. The sad part is: I missed the Art Fair completely. The whole family went on Friday, and we buried Grandpa on Saturday so... yeah. I missed it. I'm sure I'll get over it eventually, but the Art Fair is always a blast to go to, so it's a shame it slipped by it.

But anyways: the ceremony that we did for the burial (the funeral Mass had already been said a few months ago) was really good. It began with a quotation from a guy named Fr. Bede Jarrett (at first I was excited because I thought it was Venerable Bede, but I guess not) that was probably the most profound thing that I've ever heard about death:

Death is only an HorizonWe give them back to you, O Lord,who first gave them to us;and as you did not lose them in the giving,so we do not lose them in the return.Not as the world gives do you give, O Lover of souls.For what is yours is ours also, if we belong to you.Life is unending because love is undying, and the boundaries of this life are but an horizon,and an horizon is but the limit of our vision.
That pretty much wowed me. I really liked that. So anyways, yeah. I'm not sure I have anything else to say, really. I'm sure I'm forgetting /something/. Oh well.

"Won't mean a thing until it hurts! (Is anyone out there?)"

-L

Urban Hipster, the new gangster, frontin' by the club...

2006-07-21T21:32:00.000-07:00

So yeah. Something that I realized is that, when I write (and even when I talk, often) I have difficulty saying what I'm feeling if I have somehow classified my feelings as "invalid" in that situation. I dunno, like if a friend unknowingly does something that hurts me, and they ask how I am, I am likely to say that I'm fine, because I really "have no right to be hurt" in that situation. And it's not like I keep that feeling inside and let it turn into bitterness or anything, I just refuse to acknowledge it and move on. It's a little weird.

On the plus side, that often keeps me far more positive and optimistic than I might otherwise be. See, the things that I /know/ in life are all mostly hopeful: that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me, that I am a sinner saved by love, etc. whereas sometimes I can /feel/ like a situation is hopeless or that I'm alone or something. Because I /know/ that feeling isn't an accurate representation of reality, I simply don't express it and instead generally speak only what I know to be true. I don't know, it was something I just noticed recently. Especially because this poem, while it is a pretty trusting, positive poem, embodies about a week of difficulty with those very things. So, rather than expressing those doubts and insecurities, I instead just choose to express the love that I know God has for me. I don't know. Anyways, it's another Spenserian sonnet. I'll get it on the website whenever I next update. I want a better title for it anyways.

This One Truth (Removes All Doubt) -7/19/06

Your ways are not my ways, nor any thought

Of mine is measurable to ought You think

Yet often I forget, from mystery shrink

Forsaking this, the wisdom You have taught:

That Peter did not know the death he sought

When he first said he would Your chalice drink

He did not hesitate upon the brink

Of shrouded futures that you could have brought

Instead he placed his lips upon the rim

And drank in deep of passion, death and life

Which then unfolded, till a later year

Saw full fruition of that seed in him.

So I need not foreknow potentials rife,

Just know it's Love I drink, although obscure.

Anyways, thanks to all who left an encouraging note. I am really doing much better. I had another phone conversation last night that helped a whole lot. It wasn't even so much what we said, though some of that took a weight off of my heart, but... I dunno. She laughed. It's been almost six months since I heard that, and I wasn't sure I ever would hear it again. Yeah.

"New wave mannequins packin' haircuts, instead of packin' guns..."

-L

My conscience is vicious! (I'm walking on pins and needles) And I’m begging forgiveness!

2006-07-20T18:06:00.000-07:00

So yeah. I have a new poem that I wrote yesterday. I will post it tomorrow. I just want to review it, because it was one of those kind of forced ones, and I'm not sure if it turned out well. It is categorized as a "God" poem.

Anyways, I have had a bit of a rough week. A lot of emotions, dealing with regret and associated feelings. It is all good though. Like I often say, "Loneliness is just God's reminder that I need to spend more time talking to Him." Yeah. I had an especially rough time last night very shortly before bedtime. So I called up Pinne and talked to him for a few hours. Thank God for that kid, or I wouldn't have been able to get to sleep at all. I felt a lot better after our talk though, and slept like a baby. (It being around 12:30AM could have something to do with that though) As a result though, I am pretty tired right now... having worked a full day on 5:30 hours of sleep. So I am going to bed early.

My aunts all (well, mostly all. There are a lot of them) arrived today. They will be staying for the weekend, going to the Art Fair and my grandpa's burial. They are always zany and fun to have around. Anyways, my eyes hurt and I need sleep. Goodnight, Moon.

"How did I ever let you go..."

-L

Someone has written on this stone, in some angry hand:

2006-07-16T18:58:00.000-07:00

So, I saw Jake Krempel today. I know! He's like, from Florida! So here is how it went down: around 2-3PM I get this call from John Kazanjian (this guy from my church that I have worked for in the past, an awesome person) saying, "Hey Luke, I've got this friend of yours from Steubenville at my house. They said not to say who it was, but come on over!" And so I was like, "Alright, sure!" So of course, on the 30 second drive to his (amazing/beautiful/packed with children) house I am racking my brain to try to figure out who from Steubenville would be here and know John. Needless to say, the Lord of Glaxon was not top on my list of expectations. So I enter the house and hear music, go to the living room and find Jake on their big piano, with friends accompanying him. I'm like, "Hey dogg, what are you doing here?" Apparently he and his band know someone from Renewal Ministries (I worked for them for a year, my claim to Charismatic fame) who asked them to play music for a Renewal Ministries Bible Conference (or something) this weekend. So he and his Floridian Friends were up here for that, and got hooked up to the Kazanjian house for brunch or something. And of course things got to "Where do you go to school?" and "Oh! Do you know ?" So they called me over. So, yeah. It was awesome to see Jake again. We are not soul-mates or anything, but we have laid smackdown on each other several times. He is a pretty coo guy, and definitely one of my "children" (i.e. "in my smallgroup"). So that was the big event for today.

Also: I have a new love of my life. They are from Murfreesboro, TN. They go by the name of The Protomen and are, yes, a synth-rock (heavy on the rock) band that has dedicated their considerable talent to making a MegaMan rock opera. Yes, an MegaMan ROCK OPERA. Now, aside from the fact that my formative years were spent drawing MegaMan, playing MegaMan and watching MegaMan's TV show, their music is /amazing/. By far one of the most refreshingly different things I've heard in ages, so I won't even try to describe it. Their vocalist is awesome. I have found one live video of them (on YouTube, I will link it if you wish) and, while it is only a three-song set, it blows my socks off. The singer has /such/ stage presence, wearing a MegaMan helmet, belting it out at the top of his lungs while gesturing in a way that I can only say reminds me of Hilter. It gives me the tinglies. And, as great as a sort of ironic, campy MegaMan rock opera would be, these guys have decided to take it a different direction and produce an entirely serious piece dealing with the role of a Messiah to a people whose reaction to evil is generally apathy rather than courage. I cannot recommend this band enough. I have already ordered their CD through CDBaby and hopefully it will ship on Monday.http://www.protomen.com

Yes, I know I've been promising another contemplative/thoughtful entry for a while now, and it has been stewing. Unfortunately, all you will get tonight is this factual update/music rant. Now, I'ma go to bed.

"HOPE RIDES ALONE"

-L

Now I could make this obvious and you, you could deny me all in one breath...

2006-07-12T19:11:00.000-07:00

Hey kids. Quick update. I don't have time to put this on the site yet, but I wanted to post it for my "readers". Hott off the presses, having just been finished five minutes ago. Well... three of the lines were written a couple weeks ago, but I kept putting its completion off until tonight. I just felt like finally getting it out of the way. It is submitted to you without comment, except that it is a non-rhyming 12 line poem. Two lines short of a perfect sonnet, but I decided to leave it that way rather than force it, and it contributes to the meaning in a way. It is written basically in a core of dactylic trimeter (including the title), with a few foots/syllables on the front and sometimes the end, just to round things off. Except the last line, which switches to anapests, largely because the last two lines were written as one big chunk of dactyl and just got split that way. So it still works out pretty smoothly as far as the rythym goes. Without further ado (I talk forever even on poems submitted "without comment", don't I?)

--A Phrase Too Familiar, Perhaps I Should Learn (Potentiality Pt. 5) -7/12/06

So did you my dearest, my friend of a friend,

Ever find fearing so fruitless as when

We both try to see past our noses again?

For you are uncertain, unspoiled and unready

And I am the boy who was "twice burned, thrice shy"

Who dreads disillusionment found in your eyes.

When no one's as different as, at first, they seem:

With, "How did I, how could I fall for a dream?"

Well I spent those weeks without sleeping!

A sunrise, a sunset, a tearless set-sail

When all I can say is, "Alright" and, "Okay"

And, "I guess now I know what to look for".

Feel free to leave any comments you have. I love them as ever. Also: I took a bit of a vacation today. It was a lot of fun, and I will write about it tomorrow. I have so many different topics to write about, and I feel bad doing two posts in a day, so they kind of pile up. In closing: I have a live version of today's "Song of the Day" that has quickly become one of my favorite songs ever. Original line-up of Taking Back Sunday + awesome song = **shivers**

"Just forget me, it's that simple..."

-L

These could be days like Lamech, Methuselah...

2006-07-10T19:26:00.000-07:00

So yeah. Second day home all alone. It has become increasingly impressed on me that I don't keep a very regular eating schedule when I'm alone/nothing is interferring. Not that I don't eat 3 meals a day, it just struck me at about 9:30PM that I should probably make some dinner. So I made the same thing I had last night: eggs, potatoes, onions and turkey with Swiss cheese and mustard all in a wheat-wrap. It was pretty decent, again. Certainly filling, which is about all I need. The kitchen now has two days worth of dishes in it. I will clean it tomorrow after work (crossed-fingers).

So today I officially won Survivor: TRW Factory! At the last break of the day, Larry went around and talked to three of the employees (everyone but me, Randy and Barb) and just told them that we didn't really need them anymore, so this was their last day. He never /told/ me that I won, or handed me a trophy or anything. He just /didn't/ give me that talk. Oh, and on the way out when I said goodbye, he said, "See you tomorrow, Luke." pretty pointedly, just in case I had assumed I was included in the firees. So yeah! I am employed through the rest of the summer! Today was the day of the favor of the Lord, it was the day of the vengeance of our God. (Na na na na, na na na na...)

God is so faithful that it blows my mind. He permits us to stray from His path fairly often (exactly as often as we choose to, in fact) simply to remind us that no matter /how/ many times we deny Him for something passing, He will never leave us! It is amazing, and you can see it both in the little and the big things. While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. While I deserve Hell, the loving Father gave me a sweet job for the rest of the summer, just to prove how closely He is watching over me. Not that my awareness of these truths won't fade and even be conveniantly forgotten at times so that I can "chase after the wind"... but every time I come back, it is a little more humbly. As a child, realizing my utter dependance on Divine Mercy. Pride, in a way, is the root of all sin, and few things will kill your conscience quicker. I am not someone who thinks of himself as prideful, but I praise the Lord for every opportunity that He gives me to humble myself before Him. I do not deserve the chance.

"Boys after girls, and the girls after the boys..."

-L

Revolutionary minds never know to draw the line: running out, running out...

2006-07-09T19:00:00.000-07:00

So. The first full day of being home alone! So far so good. Last night for dinner I had a small piece of left-over steak and some breakfast sausage. With mustard and horseradish. Now, I have noticed, within the course of this summer, a new and strange obsession creeping into my tastes: condiments. Which is strange, seeing as for my entire childhood I was a "ketchup only" kid. But within the past year I have begun very much enjoying various mustards and horseradish. Strangely enough, according to Wikipedia, those two are in the same genus! Now if only we can find some connexion between that genus and Cillian Murphy/toasters, we might get some insight into whether there is a pattern to these fixations. So, lest this become "Luke's Fixations Theatre" or "The Things Luke Likes Report", I will simply say: I have a growing affection for/interest in condiments.

Last night the kids held a birthday party for me at Aaron's condo. It was a blast. We pulled out their new hookah (Gilbert) and smoked some mint leaves, which was quite pleasant. Very different from good old tobacco, but (as Aaron said) "Like brushing your lungs". So yeah, pretty soon on in the party I had some of the nicotine in me, which put me in a giggly/giddy mood. Which can be a lot of fun. I was worried for most of the day that I would be in "noise-overload" for the party and just sit there the whole time, which would have stunk for just about everyone.Another highlight of the evening/weekend/summer came later. When Tina had to leave, she had a bunch of stuff to take with her (including the remains of a delicious cake) so I helped her carry it all out to the car. And on the way there, we just kind of started talking, and didn't stop for what must have been at least an hour. It was really good to talk to her again, seeing as we hadn't had a substantial conversation in probably at /least/ a year. So that was a blessing. She is going to call me later this week and we will hang out or do something. "Good times".

Then this morning, Joe and I went to the "Trid Mass" at St. Josephat in D-troit. It was my first Trid Mass ever, so I wasn't sure what I was going to think about it. I'll be blunt, it was pretty frickadiculous (double-plus good). You couldn't hear the priest at /all/ most of the time, unfortunately, so it was a bit hard to follow along, but the whole time was a very powerful experience of peace and grace for me. I'm not sure I'm never going to go to CTK again or anything, but I definitely like the Old Skool I guess.

"Running out like a fire so sweet..."

-L

You said it makes you want to fall in love, or be smart enough to keep your distance...

2006-07-07T22:33:00.000-07:00

So.. it was my birthday today and, lemme say: your number of Facebook wall-posts /doubles/ on your birthday. Like, the total number. It doubles. Which was fun, because most of those people wouldn't take the time to actually send you a card (it's okay, I'm lazy too) but you still get the fuzzies. Anyways. So this is my "what I did on my birthday" update, just to get that out of the way.

First off: birthdays are always a bit weird for me. Like, I just don't feel any older. It feels like, "Man, this is just another day, why is everybody making such a big deal out of it? That's kind of strange..." So yeah. I went to work today. Work was just pretty normal. None of them knew it was my birthday because, hey... it would be kind of strange to just bring it up. At that point, you're fishing for well-wishes.

At work, however, I got THE BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT EVER. One of the guys I work with (who is definitely "in the know" as far as the boss is concerned) took me aside and told me that after Monday, they're letting everyone but me, him and one other person go. And the three of us are staying on definitely past when I'm leaving for school. So: I have a job through the end of the summer! Praise the Lord. I always come home for the summer thinking that I'm going to be stuck with a crap job/no job (which is better, who knows?) but God always pulls something great and completely unexpected for me!

After work, I went home, and discovered that not /only/ had my Russian, mechanical 24-hour dial analog watch arrived in the mail (I may put up Facebook pictures soon, it is awesome), but I had also gotten a few checks in the mail. That meant that I was able to deposit them today and have enough to write the check for next semester's tuition /and/ enough to cover the wedding next weekend. One more semester (hopefully /year/) without debt! Here's hoping I can make it to grad school debt free.

On the whole check note: yesterday, I was looking for my check-book to pay for something, and I couldn't find it. Now, it could only ever be in /one/ place. I take it out of that place, write and check, and put it directly back. But it wasn't there! So I was wigging out. I searched the whole house several times today, because the tuition check is due by next Friday. Just as things were starting to get /really/ intense, my mom pulled it out of the /very/ pocket of my file-folder that I keep it in! I had checked that pocket THREE times! Sometimes you just need an extra pair of eyes, I guess. So that was a plus.

After that, I went to Mass, which was celebrated by a really coo priest that I had never seen before. So Mass was really good, then afterwards I went to the Adoration Chapel and prayed a Divine Mercy Chaplet, per usual. That prayer gives me so much peace when I need it.

Dinner was "fillet mignon". Very tasty. Dad and I tried to get into the new Pirates of the Carribean movie, but they were sold out for the next two shows, so we rented "Downfall" and watched that instead. A 2.5-hour German film about the final days of the Third Reich, holed up in a bunker with the Russians closing in. It was very good.

Tomorrow, my parents leave to go up North for a week. My little sister is already in Austria for her band trip (also for a week). And so, for the space of... a week, I will be home alone. Here's hoping for good times. Tomorrow night at "the Condo" should be a blast, I am looking forward to that. There is a bunch of stuff that I haven't written about, but I will refrain from bombarding you all with it. Hopefully this weekend/week, having some time alone will help me to discipline myself and write a bit more, so you all can see a return of the quality/"stuff" that you are accustomed to.

One other cool thing that I got (I just have to mention this) was a 2GB USB drive from my dad. He rightly assumed that that would be an awesome thing to have.

"You can't decide, you can't decide!"

-L

My body's tight, my soul's excited and I wish that I was gifted...

2006-07-03T13:58:00.000-07:00

So, yeah. I finally wrote some more, and updated the webpage. Just to give you all some insight into exactly how much I procrastinate writing: I wrote down the title, last line and basic outline of this poem on June 22nd. Then, finally, last night I lay down on my bed at 3AM and took an hour to actually put it on paper. Now, I do think that things turn out a bit more fulfillingly when they have some time to percolate/ferment, but why do they find the most inconveniant hours to finally come spilling out?

So this one is a proper Spenserian sonnet. It is a companion piece to "Upon the Occasion" (hence the title), which may also be found in the "Life" section of the site. Both of them are inspired by this kid that I barely knew who died from cancer when he was around 14. Coming to terms with early death at different stages in my life, I guess. It sounds more morbid than it is, perhaps.Woohoo, four-day weekend for July 4th. Most of the time I have been kind of bored, actually. But I still have a day and a half left, hopefully fun times will roll. Tomorrow night we are going to see the Capital Steps.

Upon Revisitation (An Afterward, an Elegy) -7/03/06

The mourners all like wedding guests process

The aisle and take their seats to start the rote,

And you are there in black: your finest coat,

Though vestal white would be your right to dress.

But here we have no wisdom to impress

A soul who thus has overleaped the moat

That sep’rate keeps the pilgrim, sheep and goat,

Our spirits yet too weak to dare transgress.

So many mourn, and fear the course you ran.

They count untested mettle as a boon,

Though you, above them all, have braved the tomb.

So young, so young, so young to be a man!

So glorious your wings, to fly so soon!

Magnificent your seed, so young to bloom!

"My body's tight, my soul's excited and I wish I had some spunk..."

-L

It's not life that I'm afraid of, I'm afraid I'm just not brave enough...

2006-06-28T17:54:00.000-07:00

So work has been pretty easy of late. We have about twice as many employees as we need (/still/), so I sit around for a while generally every day. "Word on the street" is, Larry's getting ready to let some people go, and luckily it is rumored to be the lazy people. In the meanwhile, I continue to get paid $9 for barely doing any menial labor. Mostly just sleeping or reading Paradise Lost.

Speaking of sleeping: I have not been sleeping well this week. Monday night, I got to bed at 10PM, but didn't get to sleep until at least 11:15PM. Last night, I stayed up /way/ too late watching a movie with Reez (Fight Club), but I justified it by saying, "Well, I was tired going into this thing, so by midnight, I should be able to just fall asleep as my head hits the pillow." Unfortunately, this was not the case. I went to bed at 12AM, and just stayed wide awake, brain edging into the red, until about 1AM. So luckily, I got to take a bit of a nap at work today. But I get sick of not being able to sleep. I need a brain-off button. In fact, make that a Universal Remote for the heart too.

Why should I be lonely? The Living God makes His temple in my heart. Sometimes it is just vulnerability itself that hurts. Laying there, staring at the ceiling, thinking: "I could get hurt." It is at once both exciting and pretty darn painful in a pretty physical sense. I really don't fall that often, but when I do it is usually hard and fast. As for now, I am simply looking over the edge of the cliff, trying to convince myself that the rush of the jump isn't worth the pain of the abrupt stop. So far so good. Why should I be afraid of vulnerability? The Lord of Hosts is my Savior, and my future is in His merciful hands. I have been making it to daily Mass the past couple days, which is nice. Haven't had time to go to adoration afterwards, but it's a start. Almost done reading through Romans too.

I finally secured a copy of The Misters' LP (a band from my highschool, the CD was put out in 2002) and it is pretty awesome for a bunch of highschoolers. I am wowed and excited. Also: two road-trips shaping up! Canada is currently slated for July 22-23, tentatively. And I can definitely stay at Nate's place on the 29th, which should be good fun. It will be nice to hang down in the Bend, and hopefully I can see Millicious before he heads off to Austria next semester.

"But you think of life with me, the distant possibility. I could live for that."

-L

Mystery and wonder, messy hearts made of thunder

2006-06-25T12:08:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot, this past week. I have been meaning to write it for a while, but just haven't worked up the "oomph" until now. I have something still percolating on the back burner (not to mix metaphors or anything), but that has waited a week already, it can wait a day or two more.

So yeah, this past week at work was /really/ slow, so I usually spent at /least/ an hour a day just sitting around waiting for more parts to pack. Some days it was more like 3 hours, but hey: they're still paying, who's complaining? So on Wednesday or something, I finally remembered to bring a book to work, but (of course) I didn't remember until it was 5 minutes before I had to leave. I was quickly searching the whole house for my collexion of Chekov plays that I still have to finish, and I wasn't finding it. So my eye alighted on a thick book entitled "Paradise Lost and other Poetry" and I quickly snatched it. It was, of course, a collexion of John Milton's poetry.

Perhaps at this juncture, I should take a moment to expound on my history with M. Milton. You see, for someone who writes poetry, I read even less than most non-poets do. So whenever literary conversations get around to influences, I have to say that, aside from:
1) Mr. Shakespeare, who taught me a love for form and meter but didn't really influence the content
2) Lyricists like Aaron Weiss and Efrim Menuck, who definitely direct my ideas and metaphors without really influencing the form that they are presented in.
I don't think I really have any "influence" in my writing aside from my life. Now, I am coo with that. It makes me feel a little less avant-whatever, but hey: I'm only a beatnik in my head. The thing is: there are perhaps two poets whose few poems that I have read came at such a time that they were pretty influential on my initial poetry, and indeed my conception of what poetry even is. They are: John Donne (who, interestingly enough, is a large influence of Aaron Weiss') and John Milton. I encountered those two poems of Donne's in my Brit Lit class Junior year of highschool, which is about when I first started writing, and Milton even earlier, in middle-school.

My history with Milton begins at my grandparents' cottage "Up North", with weeks spent there in the summer. The house and cottage are since sold, but one summer, with nothing better to do, I picked up an old edition of Paradise Lost and started to read. I believe I only got as far as Book 6 before I lost steam and stopped, but I can't have read that much of something without it influencing me, however subtly. So fast forward perhaps as many as 6 years to this week, when by chance I happened to pick up a collexion of Milton's poetry on my way out the door, thinking to myself: "Well, at the least, it's long!" So I cracked this book open at work, and read the first half (his non-Paradise Lost work) first. It pretty much blew my socks off! I was amazed by how much I connected with his material, and his take on life, whether it was written in archaic English or not. I also got about 4 books through Paradise Lost, and it has some /very/ striking parts in it as well (though I'm sure some of the carefully detailed descriptions are wasted on me).

Now, the point of this whole post is that reading Milton's work again, and reading the wordy introduction that preceeded it, really got me wondering: Why on Earth do I write? John Milton wrote because he believed that God gave him an extraordinary gift, and destined him for literary fame. I, on the other hand, would not be at all surprised if I never published a poem in my life. Part of the problem is that society today does not appreciate writing enough for a man to devote his entire life to writing, like Milton did. The other issue is that I have simply never felt called to dedicate my life to writing, it has always been more of a side-thing. So why do I write? The typical answer these days would be "self-expression", but I think that that very vague, subjective-worth-only mentality has led to more tripe than good writing. Besides, my main reason for writing is not expressing /myself/ as much as it is expressing a state of affairs, or a metaphor that I think gives insight into humanity. I do not write for myself to read it. Whether or not I will ever be published, I write to communicate to others, rather than simply to present myself with a mirror. I am interested in all things "tremendously human", whether they are ordered or disordered, happy or sad, so long as it is a part of "the human experience", it intrigues me.

Part of the issue, I guess, is that I've come to the conclusion that I'm not very good at writing. Now, I'm not talking about the finished product. I am generally at least satisfied with what I write, and I know that at least a couple of people find them authentic, which is all that I ask for. No, what I mean is the actual act of writing. Generally, if there is anything that I could do /other/ that writing, 9 times out of 10 I will choose distraction over creativity. So why do I write? I'm not really sure. An attempt to communicate humanity to human-kind, perhaps in the vain idea that I will have original thoughts... I just know that it is nothing nearly as "vocational" as Milton's reasons for writing. I don't really feel a Diving Calling to write, but sometimes I wonder if, if perhaps I /can/ write, that somehow indicates a responsibility to do so to advance the kingdom of God as best I can. I'm not sure. Is a gift ever given without a responsibility to use it for the Kingdom? I don't even know. I only got six hours of sleep last night, and I do believe I'm rambling, and have been writing this for so long that I have pretty much lost track of where I started, and where I was going. Oh well. So I guess I'll end it here then.

God is so nuts and, like Dntel says: "Life is Full of Possibilities". I'll try to get that more "creative" writing done sometime soon and post it up. We see. I also have yet to write that post about music... but this post was supposed to be a setup for it anyways. I think I am addicted to Mr. Menuck's music, no matter how awful his singing voice may be.

"TOGETHER, TOGETHER, TOGETHER, TOGETHER... never to retreat."
-L

"We've been at the bottom, we've soared to the sun; Just to see how beautiful and painful it could be"

2006-06-17T23:12:00.000-07:00

So yeah. I have been having the most social weekend I've had all summer. Last night I got together with Tina, Mike, Emma, Aaron and a few other kids and watched "The Machinist" (which is an excellent psychological thriller starring a 120lb Christian Bale). Around midnight, after hanging out for a while, we all slowly filed out. Aaron and I were still standing around talking by the car, and I mentioned that the night was beautiful and I didn't feel like going to bed yet. So we stopped by my house to get some cigarillos, then went over to his apartment. It is a pretty nice place, actually. Bobis and Aaron and I sat outside and smoked and talked, covering a variety of topics ranging from God to girls to Mariology to "Revival". Then Ed came home and we went inside and hung out. We ended up watching a decent (if poorly written) student sci-fi film that was about 20 minutes long. By that point, it was 2:30AM and I was about to shuffle off home. Then Ed said, "So... do you play Halo?" and I was like, "Do I?" so for the next hour and a half we fragged it up. It was fun to play again, seeing as I haven't taken up the rocket launcher since last semester. So I got to bed about 4:30AM. It was a great night. I have been somewhat socially starved this summer, all of us have been really busy with our jobs.

Tonight was also a hangout night at Aaron's apartment. We got together at 9PM and watched "Rat Race", which had some /hilarious/ parts, but overall was a dud, and featured probably the worst ending I've ever seen in a movie. It was one of those endings where you just roll your eyes and groan, except that it went on for (I kid you not) 10-15 minutes. After that, we just hung around joking and laughing until we were red in the face, and played a few rounds of Halo. Ed is pretty good, but I am usually second place by a respectable margin. Anyways, so that was really fun too.

Reez and I baked a pie today. She is going camping for a few days starting tomorrow, so we decided to do the whole "Father's Day Dinner" tonight instead. We had steak fajitas, which were /the-fishes/, then our strawberry-rhubarb pie for desert. So I guess this is my second foray into pie-making (ask me about the first Great Pie Disaster sometime). Yeah, but that went pretty smoothly, and I can pretty confidently pie it up now at a moment's notice. Speaking of food, I don't know what's up with me, but I love guacomole all of a sudden. Ever since I had it at Reez's Party. I mean, I never /hated/ it, I just never had an opinion really. But it is pretty awesome on most things!

Sorry to just give a "facts-only" update. I always feel kind of weaksauce when I do these, but I figure it's better than writing nothing at all, and hopefully I can get the "oomph" to post something of substance later. I mean, seriously... guacomole?

"Wings that were ours! Broken from trying! Wings that were ours! Melted while flying!"
-L

P.S. Reez is on Facebook now. Friend her. :)

"She wore that phony smile on her face, I guess like a bandage on a wounded place..."

2006-06-15T18:57:00.000-07:00

Deep calls to deep. And sometimes I forget that there's a deep out there. Sometimes, when I spend more time talking about God than I do talking /to/ Him, I make Him smaller than He is. I make Him manageable, understandable, comprehensible. He becomes a facet, albeit still the most important facet, of my life. And, oh the pride, I imagine Him to be a facet that I have already figured out. But deep calls to deep, and my soul is just an echo of the call that I hear. I try to sound the bottom of this ocean floor, but my soul cannot cry out except in diminishing echo of Your "FIAT". My spirit is just a rustle of the wind that was breathed into me. And I am more a part of this rolling thunder than I am a part of any of you. I am more closely related to this swelling wave than I am to any of you.

Yet, I know that I try to love any one of you more than I try to love that Deep. I am always trying to love the other soft echos of that clarion call that has gone on from Time's beginning. And so I become distracted, and I seek approval, looking for the wind in the rustle that it leaves, and trying to fill my soul with that pure note by listening to its reverberations. And I know that I need to seek only God. Because I am /one/ with that Deep, I am drawn from those depths... and not from any of you.

And far too often, I think that I need to look outside of myself for that ocean, but the living water has a wellspring reaching deep into my own heart! I let things pile up over the opening of that well and I forget that it swells up, deep underneath my dead and worldly concerns. It is so easy to think that our spiritual life, that our relationship with God exists externally: in the people that we serve, in the prayers and praises that we offer, in His voice that seems to come from Heaven. But it comes from our heart. Our soul was awakened at our conception by that alarum and called into action! And that call to arms still exists within our hearts. The waters of grace do not reach us by a tributary and then sit stagnant in our hearts! Rather: the unfathomable depths of the ocean of Love froths in our very soul, always renewing and breaking forth into life! The Spirit cries out: "ABBA" from the most intimate center of our being, and we know that we are His children. Allelulia.

I'm afraid that I'm not being very clear: GOD IS LOVE, AND WHOEVER REMAINS IN LOVE REMAINS IN GOD AND GOD IN HIM.

"While I kept the keys to every old lock just in case..."
-L

Everyone that loved me more than I could tell, I'm sorry...

2006-06-14T19:01:00.000-07:00

So, I updated my website again. Three more songs that I found in my old notebooks, and two new poems. There is one in the God section and one in the Life section. I am actually somewhat pleased with both of them, but feel free to give me any criticism/impressions you have. I will post them right below the signature, in case you don't want to go to the website. The only thing that's different there is that you can read my little comments before the thingie. I know some people would never read them if I didn't put them here though. :) You can go to the site for the lyrics.

There is some excitement going on at work! It is kind of turning into "Survivor: TRW Factory", because we have more workers than we probably need and as a result we will probably cut from about 10 workers to 4-5 this week. We'll see. There is a group of really lazy guys who have somehow escaped the cuts so far, but the boss is aware of them so I am pretty confidant in my job. Until then, it is mostly sitting around getting paid to wait for more work to do.

Reez is going down to Steubenville to do the whole "Registration Day" thing this Thursday/Friday. That means she gets a school email, which means she gets on Facebook, which kind of excites me for some reason. :D I hope that she has a great time down there!

Ed stopped by to return Reez's watch today during dinner and got roped into eating some food. That was fun, I had a very good time. I am feeling pretty peaceful about life in general. God works all things for the good of those who love Him, even if it seems senseless sometimes to us. Love the questions, like locked rooms, and someday live your way into the answer. Yadda, yadda. You all have heard it before. These are the thoughts that are dominating my mind these late-nights.

Man, sometimes life just seems to have so many possibilities that it paralyzes you. It is like I wrote in my first LJ entry ever: I probably have enough money to hop on an airplane to pretty much anywhere. I am almost 20 years old. I could live any life that I wanted to! But ultimately, no matter what I desire (I know what I /want/: the will of God), no matter the approval or disapproval of others, the only person who can give permission or denial is God, who loves us so much that, while we were still sinners, Christ died for us!

Father, I adore You, lay my heart before You. How I love You.
Jesus, I adore You, lay my heart before You. How I love You.
Spirit, I adore You, lay my heart before You. How I love You.

"There's a private Hell, for those who only live to love themselves..."
-L

Desperados -6/14/06

Yeah, love's the last refuge of sinners and saints
Cuz we've all grown up so beat down and afraid
It takes us so long just to see that we're made
For something better than this

Still that revelation does not satiate
Not sure what we are, we just know what we hate
From 10,000 lessons we learned the hard way
Our 10,001 lonely mistakes

Thus failures beat lessons, just one step ahead
Lit fire in our hearts and cried salt in our beds
A passion to live in a way where we'll thrive
So strong it comes down to just "do or we'll die"!

We stand at the ready with one last brave cry:
"You'll
NEVER
Take us
Alive."

The Way I've Made You (Not the Way You've Grown) -6/14/06

We've had our share of darknesses
That seemed to leave us in despair
But from the frigid nights we lived
Our eyes have learned to search the air
And seek the sun while it is day.

We've had our share of pesticide
That hurt so much, we thought we'd die
But ev'ry time it was applied
It killed the things that drained us dry
And to this day, we still have thrived.

We've had our share of prunings since
We knelt and wept and loudly cried
Laid bare, we saw the blossoms fall
"Good God, all my accomplishments!"
To which He said,
"My precious Bride."

"We'd burn like the morning, then break like your heart "

2006-06-13T18:32:00.000-07:00

So, I finally got up the pictures from Reez's graduation party. Those are all up on Facebook. You can go check them out if you like. Nothing spectacular, but I got a picture of most of the people who I knew that attended the party.

The party itself was quite a success. Probably over 100 people showed up over the course of about 4PM-10/11PM. Highlights of the evening included: walking around with Steve Metz taking random pictures, seeing kids that I haven't seen much of this summer, the cake (also pictured) which was /de-fishes/! and the tacos, which were also excellent. It was really good to see Steve for the first time since Christmas break. We talked a bit about the old days, and he is going to see if his boss can do anything about making my guitar sound alright again. In which case, I may attempt to pick it up again. Also: Mrs. Graff and Ms. Vail, two of my favorite English teachers ever (I once called Mrs. Graff "mom" by accident. That is how it went down.) showed up at the party! So I talked to them for a while. I hadn't seen them in at least a year, so that was awesome.

Yeah. So last night, I was chatting with Joe online, and he suggested that we hang out. So we went to "the Liquor Keep" (Smorkeys was closed :( ) and bought a couple of cigars. We then retired to my back porch and spent a couple of hours smorking in the nighttime air. Our conversation covered the usual: God, girls, guitars, philosophy, psychology and... pheromones? I swear. It was an excellent time, and just what I needed that night. It left me feeling even more at peace, though the smorking could have contributed to that. I went to bed happy and pretty buzzed, but had no trouble at all falling asleep. All in all: a fabulous hangout.

One of our topics of conversation was "disordered life-views in music", and how much we ought to listen to the music, or at least how much we ought to "glory in it", which I'm not sure I do (at least not anymore). That is a very interesting topic that perhaps I shall write about when it is less past-my-bedtime. Feel free to weigh in below, however. In preparation for the post, I have been listening to "[A->B] Life" by mewithoutYou, a very interesting case-in-point. Aaron Weiss is also probably one of/my favorite lyricist/s ever! Also on my "to-do list" is digging out those lost lyrics and posting them.
Good night, fair readers. May sweet dreams fill your nights, and peaceable times your days.

"Fall in love without warning, just to fall back apart..."
-L

We are giving birth to our own future! We will learn, we will love we will work to change each other!

2006-06-12T16:58:00.000-07:00

I have recently been listening to a lot of Conor Obherst's bands (other than Bright Eyes). I downloaded some songs of Commander Venus, his first band, and spent some time enthralled by what "emo" was before it sold out. I have been enjoying quite a bit of the music that he did with Desaparecidos' album called "Read Music/Speak Spanish" (the band name is Spanish for "The Dissapeared"), a vitriolic socio-political punk-rock on the decay of marriages and the comercialization/development of the country (Omaha in particular). I like it quite a bit. It appeals to my small-government, pseudo-anarchist, "A Silver Mt. Zion"ist leanings, plus it is just so good to hear frantic low-fi riffing with Conor singing softly, cracking his voice and shouting loudly over it. That may not sound appealing to many of my readers, but it's pretty magical.
I also downloaded some songs by Sorry About Dresden, a band on Saddle Creek including Conor Obherst's brother. So yeah. There was a theme to my musical downloading. Their music is awesome indie-rock.

In other news, I updated my webpage again today. I have not really written anything recently, or at least nothing complete. I sat down for about a half hour last night and tried to force it, but nothing /good/ came. Then, when I woke up this morning, some excellent stuff just flowed, and I had to quickly write it down while stressing out about getting ready for work. It is as of yet incomplete, but I have enough to pick up where I left off, I think.

Anyways, I updated the site to include my scripts that I wrote for Playwriting and the lyrics that I wrote for "The Berlin Trio" (which was comprised of Steve Metz and I). My website, once again, is linked in my profile. Yeah, upon rereading many of those things, I was struck by how much I still like some of them. The songs especially, are pretty okay, considering what I was like when I wrote them and I do like at least one of the scripts that I wrote. But yeah, if you have thoughts or reactions, feel free to comment/otherwise relay them!

There is a good bit of practical stuff to get through, musings and such. Nothing really deep or theoretical, at least not yet. I might leave that stuff until later. Either tonight or tomorrow, because hopefully I'll have Reez' graduation party picture up on Facebook by then. Joe is coming over soon and we are going to smoke cigars and hang out. That should be good, I have not seen much of my friends since I got back. So, for now: I am signing off. Catch you kids later.

"We will spread, we will cover the earth like air and water!"-L

"A man is just a man, filled with faults and weakness..."

2006-06-09T18:18:00.000-07:00

So, I just wanted to take some time to expound on some of my recent thoughts. Mostly taking the form of replies to several of the comments that I received to however-many-posts-ago-it-was. I am feeling pretty tired, so hopefully any lapses in logic or grammar will be forgiven.

1) Ross:
I have had similar experiences as well: times of surrender to God. You are right, it certainly does bring God's order to life. The problem there is that the surrender to God is not a one-time act so much as it is a state of being. And one of Satan's most proven strategies is simply to distract us from God enough that we lose that surrender and the peace that comes from it. It is rarely something big, either. Just a gradual drift that one day you wake up from and realize: "Hey... What happened to the promises that I believed in?" So, thanks for the reminder, bro. I can always use those. ;)
2) Erin:
Ditto what I said to Ross for the first part. Thanks for the reminder. :)
Also: on the issue of high-standards, I know some people who would say that I have very high standards for requiring that the girl be a practicing Catholic, but I see that as a pretty basic compatibility issue. So the question of how /high/ standards are is largely subjective. I also have yet to be successful in making random, I guess what you would call "platonic attractions hiding a constant desire to find 'the one' ", conform to any sort of standard. All that I can do is submit those attractions to God and do my best to act as the Spirit leads. Which can be very confusing when emotions are involved.
I would agree that cynicism does seem to be "the mind's coping mechanism in matters of the heart". Certainly not the soul's response, but the rational mind's, yeah. It is generally a basic-instinct level survival response that delays pain in the moment but ultimately does nothing helpful. The relationship to stoicism interests me. I guess it all depends on whether or not you give the word "stoic" a positive or negative definition. With a positive definition (such as "bearing peacefully with your passions by confronting them and realizing their fleeting nature"), stoicism becomes the exact opposite of cynicism, which is a form of cowardice that seeks to create a fiction that will avoid pain. With a negative definition (such as "seeking to eliminate all forms of passion in an attempt to eliminate the pain that they cause"), stoicism would seem to be the next step in severity after cynicism in the continuum of "measures taken to avoid pain". If that makes any sense. I was assuming that you were using one of the several more slangish meanings of "stoic" rather than actually referring to the Greek philosophy, though perhaps that is not a safe thing to assume about /you/. :)
3) So yeah. The Father has me in the palm of His hand. Through His mercy, He works all things for the good of His children. I am just going through a period of resurrender, which is a pretty regular occurrence. Every so often, we get so distracted from God's glory by the world that we need to refocus on those promises. Yeah. I'm not sure what else to say. We can make as many plans as we want, but they all become completely irrelevant in the face of Divine Grace. Ultimately, no matter who approves or disapproves, God made us for His plan and only He can give us permission or denial.

"Nightime, nobody's home, roam the streets in darkness..."
-L

This all seems so easy (There's choices to make)...

2006-06-07T18:22:00.000-07:00

So yeah. I realized that I keep forgetting to explain that I was only ever unemployed for the Tuesday after Memorial Day. That night, I called up Manpower (the temp agency that I am registered with) and got employment. I am working in a factory from 7AM-3:30PM every weekday. It will last until mid-July. It is repetitive, but not overly strenuous. The work environment is relaxed and not stressed.

The job gives me a lot of time to just kind of let my mind wander. As I have been musing about life and the future, I have been getting more and more excited for the future. I know that I may never make money writing poetry, but I will deal with the very /stuff/ of poetry: the human mind and experience. The whole military possibility is starting to sound more and more appealing as well. I really think that it could be a good career, or at least a good thing to do to pay for graduate school, then see the world for a few years. I have no idea if I will be married or have children by that point, but God will bring them in His good time.

Anyways, there was more that I was going to write, but it slipped my mind. I shouldn't write these so close to bedtime...

My grandmother and her friend John are here until Reez's graduation party on Sunday. That should be fun. But it means I'm sleeping in the basement. Which is actually not so bad, and will be fun once Reez joins me later in the week (we are expecting more relatives).

Oh yes! I remember what I was going to write: a response to some of the comments that I got on the last post. It would end up being long enough to merit its own post. Tonight, however, is not the night. I need to wake up in 7.5 hours for work. Another exciting week more than half over!

"These words, with no replies (Stopping we's, starting I's)"
-L

P.S. You pray for me, and I'll pray for you.

You have to, you just have to trust me!

2006-06-05T18:20:00.000-07:00

I had another one of those dreams last night. This one was different though, better. I was over it only an hour or so into work. Perhaps while the monotony of the job is conducive to simply letting my mind wander, I can lose myself in it sufficiently to stop any recursive trainwrecks of thought.

It is my dad's birthday today. We had a really good dinner, then played Scrabble as a family. Reez won by oodles, with Mom in second, me in third and Dad coming in last. It was fun though, the first time that I can remember us playing Scrabble. We are usually a card-game family.

On a different topic: I was thinking at work today, what is the best way to get rid of misplaced attractions? I know the most effective way: douse it in cynicism. That is the method that I used all the way through well... through that magical evening a few years back when I started to believe in love again. Because that is the problem with using cynicism as a cure to crushes: it is like using arsenic to cure a fever. Your blood will cool very quickly, but you are left dead. Perhaps some blessed portion of you, "my readers", don't know the technique I'm talking about. It involves developing a hopeless/senseless attraction/crush and immediately killing it with one of three options, depending on why "it would never work out":
1) If she doesn't seem open: She's not in my league. She would never be interested in me.
2) If she seems immature: She's just another insecure girl looking to use me for her ego. She wants attention more than love.
3) If it's more to do with me: I'm sure it's just my loneliness looking for anything to fill itself. It's more about me wanting attention than anything to do with her as a person. I am "damaged goods". (Go to option one)

As you can see, if these thought-patterns are used on pretty much every attraction you have (based on a childhood assumption, carried into adolescence, that every attraction that you have is hopeless) it kills the belief that true mutual love exists, or at least that it will ever happen to you. These are the conditions that I lived under until I was almost eighteen years old. I realize that there must be a better way, a way to believe in the real possibility of love while dealing with attractions that, for whatever reason, have no future. That is what I learned on that night in January, that there is something better than hopelessness, and I have been looking for it in every situation since. I just haven't found it yet in this case.

So in the meantime I have been trying to use a watered down version ("I just broke up with someone last Feb, I can't be sure that any relationship I get into will be more than a rebound"), but every use still leaves you a little more dead on the inside. Maybe the way is just to live with the difficulty of hopeless attractions and keep your eyes on the hope that is in Christ? I have that hope; I know what I am waiting for and I will wait until it is the right time, even if it is years from now. I have no interest in the temporary. My problem is not the future, it is the right-now.

For now I am, as I have said at various points, "chilling in neutral" or "rockin' it single-style" and I am comfortable with that. It is just that, every time I meet or get to know a girl and that attraction starts, I start thinking: "Is this the right person? Is this the right time?" and I generally have to conclude that at the /least/, it is not the right time. Which leaves me unable to either take or leave the attraction, unsure of whether when the right time comes, a month from now or three years from now, the problems will vanish and this will end up being the right person at the right time. And so I pray, and I wait for my Savior to come through for me. Perhaps that is the solution that I am looking for after all.

Rainer Maria Rilke's take on the situation:
"People have (with the help of conventions) oriented all their solutions toward the easy and toward the easiest side of the easy; but it is clear that we must hold to what is difficult; everything alive holds to it, everything in Nature grows and defends itself in its own way and is characteristically and spontaneously itself, seeks at all costs to be so and against all opposition. We know little, but that we must hold to what is difficult is a certainty that will not forsake us; it is good to be solitary, for solitude is difficult; that something is difficult must be a reason the more for us to do it.
To love is good, too: love being difficult. For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation."

"Whoever I was then, I can't ever be again."
-L

We can't go back, can't go back, can't go back, we can't...

2006-06-02T22:30:00.000-07:00

I am very tired, but I /finally/ did my massive update on my webpage!
I added every single poem that I wrote Sophomore year, plus two from Freshman year that I had apparently forgotten to put up? Anyways, it's a monstrous update. There is one new poem (which is one of my favorites of this update) in the Life section, one new poem in the Potentiality cycle (probably my favorite of that cycle, which isn't saying much) and six poems in the Girl Three section. As I said, two of the poems in the Girl Three section are older, but were never put up (which is a shame, because one of them is a pretty okay one). They are "Measured in Degrees (No Distance Has Been Traveled)" and "Aeternal Longing (Harvest is at Hand)", if you are looking for them. Other than that, the latest poems at all at the end of their respective sections.

Now that that's off of my back, hopefully I can write some more. Feel free to leave comments here, if you like.

"There's been an accident..."
-L

I saw the end once before, you were there with your heart in your hand outstretched...

2006-06-01T18:54:00.000-07:00

So I just got back from the all new "Thursday Night Prayermeetings"! (Whether they're calling it the "Summer College Fellowship" or whatever, it /will/ be dubbed the "Thursday Night" simply because of the precedence of the "Tuesday Night")

It was awesome. I almost didn't go just because I was worn out and didn't feel like getting up. It was super. I got there just in time for the worship, but intend on coming for the fellowship in the future. As I walked in, Bisk was explaining how the show would be run. He said, "Alright, we'll start off with an Our Father, then just launch into praising God vocally and finally segue into a song when the time is right. Because you all are mature enough to worship and praise God without needing a song." And I was like, "Amen! Finally, I'm back in Ann Arbor!" And not being in the whole "Teens = can't /really/ pray so distract them with games or they'll do drugs, quick!" thing helps too, I guess.

Anyways, it was great to break out of my daily work-centered routine and just praise God. Mark Gizczak lead worship, and he is pretty awesome. He knows all of the great, old songs that have probably never been recorded by Matt Maher or Third Day (imagine that...). Anyways, before this post takes a tangental turn: it was great. Praising God in community with some of the guys who I hadn't barely seen so far this summer was awesome.

Also: for the ride there and back, I pulled out "Conceived in Fire" by Living Sacrifice, which hadn't seen the light of day in a while. It is, as ever, an excellent album to get me pumped. Praise the Lord. Now: I have to go to bed, to get up at 6AM. I am really stoked about the Pentecost Weekend Confrence that my parish is putting on. Maybe it'll be great in a way that is compatible with LJ-posting, maybe its greatness will remain only in my mind. Its greatness-potential is not open for argument.

"Shedding this darkness, with every glance to the sky..."
-L

Take me and break me, and make me strong like you...

2006-05-30T18:15:00.000-07:00

So pretty late last semester, I was sitting in the Port, just praying. It was during Household adoration time, which went longer than usual that week. So I was sitting there, just looking around. Adoration was already canceled for the year, so the tabernacle was closed. I was looking around at the flowers decorating the altar/sanctuary when, kind of suddenly, God just asked one of those questions. "Why do you put flowers around my tabernacles?", He asked.

It was one of those things that just sort of struck me. I mean, how can placing plants before the dwelling of Almighty God /add/ anything to the majesty already found within? So I thought about it a second:
Well:
1) We put flowers there to be a visual reminder to us of the beauty of the Lord that we've come there to worship. That answer didn't really satisfy me. It makes it too much about us.
2) We put them before the altar as an offering to God. This one intrigued me. How can we offer God something like a flower, something that He made? But, recognizing that He made everything and that everything that we could give Him (including our free will and our very soul) is kept in existence by His mercy and love... it begins to make sense to me. We cannot offer Him /anything/ that He did not create, and does not sustain, and so we give back to Him those beautiful things that He created because it is all that we can do.

As soon as I had concluded with this answer (I'm not sure if I have adequately explained it here because I'm tired, but I assure you that it's quite clear in my head), God asked me "Would those flowers look just as beautiful in a home?" and I said, "Yes." He simply asked, "Why would you not take them and put them in your home then? You could enjoy them more, and their beauty might still remind you of Me?" I thought about that for a while then answered, "Well... because it is wrong to take back what you have given to the Lord."And God said, "Exactly."

There are beautiful, wonderful creations that God has placed in my life for a time. And then the time has come when He has said, "You must choose between My creation and Me." And no matter how hard it is to do, I have no doubts at all by this point that I must follow where He leads. And God does not stand still. So why, when I have, in faith, placed these beautiful flowers before Him, do I keep wanting to take them back again? I guess there's always the hope when God asks you to give something to Him that it will be an Abraham and Issac, but that is certainly not always the case. And we must not get into a bartering mentality with our Lord. We cannot say, "Alright God, I will exchange this blessing for one of equal or greater value."
That's not the way that it works.

So why do I keep desiring to take back the flowers that I have already placed before the Lord? Part of it is still simply mistrust. I have come a long way from my darker periods, but it is still easy to doubt. Doubt in what? Doubt in the love of God, of course. Thinking either that I somehow need to fix things that are broken, instead of entrusting them to God's love. Before I left for Steubenville my freshman year, I said: "Look, God. As long as I know that she is going to be alright, I can leave with peace." And He gave me that assurance, and He has come through. What I need now is that same assurance: the assurance that she and I are both in God's hands. I need that assurance so that I can stop wanting to take that flower back and make things right by myself somehow. So that I can just leave her before God in prayer, I need it so that I can stop turning from the plow to look over my shoulder. Our God is a living God, He does not stand still.
And that is my prayer for the summer.

"I'm here for you to use, broken and bruised..."
-L

And you won't fall in love (fall apart...)

2006-05-29T21:47:00.000-07:00

So I got fired on Friday at the end of the day. Yeah I'm fine, thanks for asking. It was actually pretty gentle. They made it clear that it was not a personality thing, but that I just wasn't the sort of worker they were looking for. They had no complaints at all with the quality of my work, just the speed. And I'm fine with that, I guess. So here's looking for a new job. I'm going to apply to a bunch of places tomorrow. I'm sure that God has something else for me, and I have not lost hope.

Not that it wasn't a little tough this weekend, but luckily I was out of town so I could forget about it most of the time. We went up to my paternal grandparents' house for the weekend. It was a lot of fun. Reez and I made our traditional trip to "Dog Ear Used Books" and I bought a collection of Chekov's plays. We also saw X-Men III, which was decently good, and had plenty of hangout time. Reez and I camped out in a tent in their backyard, which was good times. The weekend featured many movies (including Prisoner of Azkaban, Swing Kids (a gift from Annemarie Nuzzo), three (or was it four?) episodes of Firefly, X-Men 3 and First Blood) and many comic-books read (I went to the Library before we left). Also many good times with my little cousins who were there.

Reez and I went to the Salvation Army after we got home today. They were having a half-off Memorial Day sale, so stuff was /even/ cheaper. I bought four button-up shirts and a brown suitcoat (possibly for Formal or something? I just like brown...). It was only $13 dollars, and I'm very satisfied. After that, we went to crash Vargo's party with Abbie Stauffer. When we arrived, however, we discovered that everyone was leaving to see V for Vendetta at the $1.50 Theatre. So I only got to chill for about 30 seconds with Varga Minor herself, but I'll see her later this summer for sure. Reez caved and we went with the kids to the movie. It was all good fun!

As far as how I feel right /now/? Yeah, a little sad and slightly lonely. "Photomasochism" is an issue late at night, and I have been listening to the smooth, sad sweetness of Havalina most of the evening. I am listening to "The Love Song" right now, which is one of those quiet songs that you have to listen to loudly. This weekend was very beneficial however. Some definite "personal progress" was made, and I have great hopes for the summer. God has been re-bringing up some of the same stuff as he did at the end of last semester. I will write about it tomorrow, hopefully. As long as things stay on His schedule and aren't being held up by my fears or failings, it is well with my soul.

"You won't fall, 'cause I'm your man..."
-L

Don't look closely, you might see something you like...

2006-05-23T18:58:00.000-07:00

Moving On (Doesn’t Always Involve Closure) -5/20/05

Life’s not so much a tapestry as skein,
For surely it’s not finished, plain to see,
Nor predetermined in its wax and wane:
Its growth is not like that of seed to tree.

But we, the crawling, blind and bestial twine,
With searching tendrils form the world as such;
Attempt to tie a knot with any line
That we encounter with our trembling touch.

Alas, the knot most often doesn’t hold.
So, moving on, we leave a tangled part
And try another knot that fails when pulled,
Each failed attempt a tangle in our heart.

We need the shuttle’s touch to wipe our past,
And Weaver’s steady hands to tie us fast.

That was written a while ago, about a completely different situation, but still I find it very relevant to where I am now. I was talking with Thomas online. He said, "Luke, I just want to see you happy." I said, "Thomas, I /am/ happy." What makes me happy is doing God's will, and I am certain that, at least in the short term, it is God's will for me to be single. Therefore, I am content to throw myself on Divine Grace and trust in the Father's mercy that He will work all things for the good. Sure, it gets lonely sometimes, but that's just God's reminder that I need to spend some time with Him.

I guess it was just kind of naive to think that I could get through my whole life without any serious regrets. I mean, not that I've made it 19+ years without /any/ regrets, but I can play most of those off as "learning experiences". I guess the Lord has just been stressing to me recently the enormous extent to which any grace in my life is His mercy. I could be completely consumed with sex, like the guys that I work with, but by His mercy I know that there is something better, and that is what I am looking for. And it is infinitely worth waiting for.

The other day, I was on Wikipedia and, through a series of connexions (as always happens) I found an article on a man named Rainer Maria Rilke. He was a German poet who lived from the 1870's to the 1920's. I will cut to the point and link you to his Wikiquote page: Here. Now, I found his poetry quoted there pretty interesting and excellent, but what really struck me was the section of quotations from his "Letters to a Young Poet". Therein, he lays out every important thing that I have learned in the past 19 years, more beautifully and concisely than I could ever have put it. It is always a joy to find a writer who writes from a heart united with your own. I will have to look into some of his books!

"This is quick, but not quite painless..."
-L

P.S. Dear Luke: "Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." -RMR

i lv y. i mss y. i lv y s mch t hrts m hd.

2006-05-21T19:57:00.000-07:00

So. I went down to Steubenville on Saturday for Jeremy Dean && the (former) sister (formerly) known as Katie Kress' wedding. It was a lot of fun. It was good to see Jeremy and Katie again. They are both excellent people, and a lot of fun. It was great to see Josh Fraunfelder too. They all said they would try to visit Steubenville some time in the future, which would be great. I saw Christa there too, which was nice. We didn't say more then "hello"... but maybe that's the way she wants it.

I stayed the night at Josh Madore's grandmother-in-law (it is too a word)'s house. It was just a place to crash, but I was very grateful to not have to pay for a hotel room. I really do enjoy driving to Steubenville and back by myself. I just turn up whatever music I want to pretty loud and often sing along quite loudly too. It is a very pleasurable ride for me. The CDs of choice this time were: Deadbeat Sweetheartbeat by the Juliana Theory (one of my favorite CDs of all time), Louder Now by Taking Back Sunday (Not as good as Where You Want To Me, "IMO"), The Earth is Not a Cold, Dead Place by Explosions in the Sky (Excellent CD) and Strange That We Should Meet by Idiot Pilot. So all around an excellent selection of music. I also found an old burned CD of Dave Matthews Band from what, Junior year of highschool? It was kind of interesting to relisten to that CD. I was never /huge/ into DMB, but I took Steve's word that they were awesome and I really liked a few of their songs.

So... yeah. I am semi-excited for this new Thursday Night College-Kid Prayer Meeting starting up. Not because I think that it will start revival and usher in the apocalypse or anything, though it might. My reasons are simply that it'll be nice to do something involved in the parish's life. I'm sure the Tuesday Night is still kicking, but I'm not sure that I would fit in as well there. I mean, after two years gone and all. Plus: part of me would rather just move on. Newer things and all.

I have had the wierdest dreams this past week or so, the kind that mess you up on the inside. My sleep troubles have started so appear somewhat minorly again, but hopefully nothing big.

"fght ff yr dmns"
-L

Though I am breaking a vow by posting this...

2006-05-19T07:57:00.000-07:00

I just thought it was so very applicable. I mean, everyone says "Luke Skywalker, of course!", but Obi Wan just seems more my type. Although I /was/ at one point dating my sister... Anyways, I just wish they had found a nice Alec Guiness picture. Ewan McGreggor is an axellent actor, but couldn't top the Sir.

Your results:
You are Obi-Wan Kenobi

Obi-Wan Kenobi		73%
Qui-Gon Jinn		73%
Chewbacca		67%
Yoda		64%
R2-D2		63%
Princess Leia		62%
Padme		62%
Han Solo		61%
Luke Skywalker		60%
An Ewok		56%

You are civilized, calm, and
have a good sense of humor,
even when those around you don't.
You can hold your own in a fight,
but prefer it when things
don't get too exciting.

(This list displays the top 10 results out of a possible 21 characters)
Click here to take the "Which Star Wars character am I?" quiz...

"I need you to pretend that we are in love again"

2006-05-18T19:31:00.000-07:00

So. I worked today. I've been working every day of the week since Tuesday. It hurts sometimes and makes me tired, but my body/sleep schedule is adjusting well. And the hurting is a good kind of hurt. So that's why I'm scarce. I am /so/ busy.It is my mom's birthday today. We went to 5PM Mass, 15min of adoration then Sabor Latino (an excellent Mexican restaurant) for dinner with Reez. Then all three of us went to see "She's the Man" at the cheap theatre. Only $1.50/ticket. Very excellent movie. Very funny, very well-acted/well-made. The guy who played Sebastian (as opposed to the girl who played him) was pretty hott.

I'm going down to Steubenville for Jeremy Dean's wedding on Saturday. It will be my first wedding attended as a consentual adult. It will be a fun chance to see the brothers and sisters again. Good times. I am so tired. I will go to bed now. I feel stressed and tired, but my soul is at peace.

"And I want life in every word"
-L

Put your life on hold as we interest one another...

2006-05-15T18:10:00.000-07:00

So, I got a job today. Mike Sauter and I were talking about jobs last night and it turned out that we were both intending to apply for the same landscaping job. I asked if I could get a ride to the place in the morning with him. We figured we'd just go, fill out applications and go home. Instead, the guy decided to interview us right then, then hired us. It was pretty awesome. So I'm working with Mike probably at least 8 hours a day, 6 days a week at $8/hour, untaxed. That's the grace of God right there.

This looks like a really good job too. The guy had a sense of humor, indicated that we should acquire one if we were running low and had a very good understanding of who he was hiring. He knew that he was hiring college students for the summer, that we knew nothing about landscaping and that this wasn't a career for either of us. His emphasis was on professionalism and honesty, so I doubt we'll be working with any deadbeats or druggies. So I'm having really good feelings about this job. Praise God.

I got to confession today, it had been almost a month due to finals and all. It was Fr. Victor, who is very good and pastoral, but not exactly a swift confessor. I was fifth in the line. I waited in line for an hour and fifteen minutes, then had a fifteen minute confession. I woke up this morning feeling lonely again, but things are looking better now. It is /all/ in God's hands.What could we do to merit so great a Savior? Nothing. We deserve that our every relationship would be dominated by the anger, jealousy, lust and selfishness that comes so easily to us. Instead, Christ showers our lives with mercy and salvation. He gives us the undeserved grace to actually love one another. And while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. We do not deserve that love, nor do we often repay it even as best we can. How great is our God, who sent us so mighty a Redeemer!

"I remember when it poured and you sang to me in summer..."
-L

If I should awake to find you're only in my mind, I would sleep forever, just to make you mine...

2006-05-12T20:16:00.000-07:00

My first night home, I had the happiest dream I think I've ever had. It wasn't until I woke up that it became the saddest dream I've ever had.

So. I've only been home for a few days. Everyone keeps asking me what I've done and what I plan on doing. The answer is pretty much "nothing" to both questions. Currently, I am just floating through life.

I got a awesome belt today. When my mom was in Florida looking through my late grandfather's stuff, she found this belt of his with a huge brass buckle engraved with an H. I will post pictures of it on Facebook.

I have been spending my time:
1) Listening to music
2) Downloading music
3) Trying to track down obscure CDs released by bands that my highschool friends were in in 2002
4) Giving blood
5) Picking up my mom from the airport

-L

Should've been better to you, should've given all of myself...

2006-05-10T10:53:00.000-07:00

So! My last two finals report!
1) Last night I took my Mariology final. Probably my hardest one, not because it was difficult once I'd studied but because it is generally somewhat difficult to make myself study. I was a paragon of academics, however, and probably studied about three hours for it. So I get there and the first question is: explain the relationship between the Holy Spirit and Mary in Kolbe's Mariology. That was a pretty easy one, he /is/ our household saint after all. It was about a three-pager. The next one was: explain the criteria that the Church uses in investigating Marian private apparitions and summarize Our Lady's message to the world today using Lourdes, Fatima and other contemporary apparitions. So pretty much: tell me everything you know about the modern apparitions and their message! I knew that this was going to be on the final, so I had studied well. It took up about 5-7 pages in my notebook though... and I knew most of that! So needless to say, I ended up filling one and a half bluebooks. I was the fourth-to-last person to leave (which is unusual) and took nearly all two hours to complete the exam. I think that I did pretty well on it though, and luckily the format of his tests made me actually learn the material. It feels pretty nice to actually know the stuff seeing as the desire to learn was the reason that I took that class (for once).
2) This morning I had my Logic exam. It was my easiest exam. I studied about a half hour right before it. I was done in a half hour, and there was only one question that I didn't know, and two that I made educated guesses on. So I figure I'm all set.
3) I got my Epistemology grade in already. I got an A in the class. Unfortunately, I don't think I'm going to get nearly that in Adjustment.Next item of business! I watched Shawn of the Dead with Mr. Tumnus last night. It is a zombie-movie spoof, for those who are unacquainted. It it had been American, it would have been trashy and vulgar (Americans have forgotten how to make non-trashy comedy). Because it was British, it was pretty clever most of the time and had a variety of very good moments! Of course, being a zombie movie still (spoof or not), it was kind of bloody. But at least they didn't try to play the blood and gore for laughs like those darn Americans would have!

The whole day today has been spent (since 8AM) either taking my final or cleaning/packing my room. I'm still not done and Dad is arriving at 3:30PM (I get off work at 3PM). I pretty much just need the extra duffle-bags that he is bringing anyways. So yeah. I feel kind of dusty. If you're reading this then either I miss you already, or I'll see you soon.

Hesychia,
-L

"Jerusalem, if I forget you..."

2006-05-08T21:40:00.000-07:00

Just a short "finals update". The epistemology final was pretty easy. A pick-two-of-three essay exam. I almost filled one bluebook. It was the kind of exam that I could have satisfactorily answered orally in five minutes, but had to take an hour to write out (to the dismay of my hand). I feel pretty confident that I did well on it though.

Any time you see me, feel free to ask me to define concept and essence, and explain how they relate to tautologies and synthetic a priori truths. You may also ask me to prove the validity of insight as a source of knowledge, using Von Hildebrandian epistemology. Unless it looks like I'm busy, or just plain not in the mood. In which case: interrogation privilages REVOKED!

-L

I swear that all I ever(x8) believed in was all of us together all along/alone

2006-05-08T10:51:00.000-07:00

It has been brought to my attention several times that I have not posted an entry in over a week. This serves as a sufficient motivator to talk about the past week, which has been pretty easygoing.

My last few classes were review for the most part and no one assigns homework this late in the semester. So it was pretty much a matter of simply showing up and sitting. I have not had to start studying for finals until now, so my week has not been at all dominated by schoolwork. Instead, it has been that magical week where most people don't have to study quite yet and are quite willing to stay up until all hours with you because they don't have class the next day and anyways: in just one week, I won't see you again for three months.

So, here begins the litany:
1) Tuesday night, from around 2AM to 4:30AM, was spent walking around/sitting around the campus with Ms. Fogarty just chillaxing/taking pictures/talking with Dave Rydberg.
2) Wednesday night from about 2AM to 4:30AM was spent hanging in the courtyard gazebo with Double-D, Ms. Fogarty, Elizabeth McMillan and Krempelor (Lord of Glaxon). I was actually the first to go to bed that night and Dan stayed up until 8AM (because the next day was Reading Day).
3) Thursday evening was Senior Honoring. We went to Imperial China Buffet (which is good eatin'!). My date was Brigid Prosser, who was my prayer-partner this semester, and is one of the chillest sisters around. We sat at a table with Mr. Tumnus and his "Friend" (since reinstated). A good time was had by all. Thursday night from about midnight to 3AM was spent chilling in Pinne's room, spending some good Soul-Mate time together.
4) Friday, after Household Life Mass (held in CTK chapel, 1,000 people in a tunacan with a fire-code limit of 300) I went to Linda Tran (another rockin' sister)'s house for a CTL/SOL bonfire. There were only about 15 people there, but it was good times. For most of the semester, my sisters have been kind of awkward around me, which has been really sad. But, this week at least, things really got better. I have hopes that maybe next semester things can be back to "normal". Walking back from the bonfire with Odin, I was possessed by a spirit of Whistling-A-Lot that hasn't been around for a while. That was a lot of fun. When I got back to the dorm, I saw Courtney and Tumnus watching a movie in the gazebo. I stole one of Mark's/my cigarillos while he slept and smoked it while watching "Life as a House" with them. That was a good time as well, even if Thomas did leave Courtney and I alone for the sketchiest part of the movie (it was a bonding experience).
5) Saturday I played about 4 hours of Halo. Good times killing friends. That night, I didn't feel like going to the FOP, and I'm past the point where I feel like I have to fake wanting to go, so I stayed in my room. I was planning on going to the foreign film playing in Anathan (some comedy about a Rock, Paper, Scissors Championship?) but ended up waiting for a phone call. Or, rather, talking for four hours with Zaza, MattMac and Dan Taibi about: school, philosophy, the state of youth groups, the state of the church, various paths to God, the state of the Liturgy and Vatican II.
6) On Sunday, I went out to brunch after Mass with Krakows and his friends from home. That was a blast. They were cool kids and I got totally wired on coffee. After that, I played a goodly amount of Halo (off and on throughout the day) up until the point when Mike came to find me for Men's Group. He had the privilege of hearing Big Al (the Prethe) cuss me out as I slaughtered him the last five times.
7) That brings us to today. I have a final at 6PM (I will post afterwards how it went). I have just kind of started studying, so I need to get cracking. It shouldn't be too hard though. I aced the midterm with only about 15 minutes. I hope Harold brings coffee though! I feel like getting buzzed.

Ross brings up an interesting point in his latest post. It is definitely one that I can empathize with. In it, he says that he often finds himself wondering if he doesn't spent too much time listening to music, even "spiritually positive" music. That is something that I often think about as well. It is part of why I give up listening to music for Lent, just for those 40 Days of cleansing and silence before the Lord. And generally, by the time Lent rolls around, I am ready for some silence. At times, music can be /so/ present in my life that it almost does become simply noise (at which point, ironically enough, I start hankering for the more noise-influenced/atonal/ambient "music"). Every new band (at least off of Tooth and Nail, but also in general) that someone introduces me to is merely "Deja Entendu", no matter how skilled. I definitely find myself needing periods of aural catharsis and cleansing, not /through/ music but through its absence. This past week, I have been very much enjoying the epic/ambient, bombastic/subtle, crashing/quiet post-rock of such as Explosions in the Sky, Godspeed You! Black Emperor and A Silver Mt. Zion. They fit very well with my artsy/anarchist sensibilities that have been resurfacing this past week/week-and-a-half. Currently I have one of ASMZ's songs stuck in my head, and will be listening to it while studying in my room in approx. 10 minutes when I get off of work. So, in short: I love music. Too much can really wear me down sometimes.

"And as we staggered towards a frightening dawn..."
-L

"What good is saying goodbye, now that you're gone?"

2006-05-01T21:51:00.000-07:00

I realized that I forgot a potentially interesting material point in my previous update! I played in a schoolwide dodgeball tournament on Sunday. Despite a fair amount of advertising, only about six teams of six players showed up. It was good fun though. I was going to play on Ms. Fogarty's team, but CTL lost two people last-minute so I had to switch loyalties. Luckily they managed to find a sub for me or I would have felt bad. So my team, the Famous Seventeen, won two games and lost three. We didn't win the tourney, but a Trinity team (the Bees) did. So we're solid there. I hear they kicked the pants off of the Brothers' team, who were pretty-much all talk anyways. During our warmup, I threw the ball pretty hard and popped my shoulder, so that muscle is a little sore now.

This afternoon my Adjustment group had our final "class"/party (an assignment, I swear!). We pretty much went to Damon's and ate cheese-sticks. Oh, and traded our little "affirmation letters". It was pretty fun, not by the nature of the thing but more because the kids in the group are pretty cool, and I actually connected pretty well with most of them. The group is not /nearly/ as awkward as they were at the beginning of the semester.

So tonight I skipped my review nightclass and went to the Playwriting/Acting/Directing Scene-Night. That was pretty good, even if I could only stay for two hours of it. Some good material. They're thinking of doing it once a semester, which would be nice. Home stretch now... I don't really have anything to do before my first final on Monday night.

Hesychia,
-L

"Please, please be what I need! Because I've been wrong before..."

2006-05-01T10:39:00.000-07:00

So I guess thus ends the shittiest week I've had in about a year, which came as the crowning glory of the worst two or three weeks I've had in about as long. The short-form is: loneliness, betrayal, hurt, resolution, and then more pain that I guess I deserved. I don't really feel like dwelling on it anymore though, and most things have come to resolution, or at least to a end. As I've said, "moving on doesn't always involve closure". At least not for a while sometimes. I believe in the grace of God though, and I can wait for His timing. I know that it is only in seeing the Beatific Vision that anyone will actually see and understand another person. For now, however, let's focus on the bright side of life.

This past week has been a great week of brotherhood. It has been really crappy emotionally, but my household brothers have really been there for me with a ready ear, good advice or just plain hanging out and distracting me with good times. I have also suddenly metamorphed from someone who is decent at Halo to someone who is pretty darn okay at Halo. Channeling my angst into bringing the pwnage has been cathartic. I'm really excited for the summer, because so many of us live in the close area. Mr. Tumnus, Krakows and potentially Das Mueller and Odin are planning on going up to Canada to visit Pinne for a day/weekend. That should be a good time.Also, I went on Fiat's (Fiat Santa Familiae, a girl's household) "Datenight". Essentially what it was is this: two of their girls planned out the whole thing, including getting dates for the girls who were going. So it was like one massive blind-date for most everyone involved. And since Houde is dating Sarah Heidelbaugh, they asked him if he knew any guys who might be interested. And so five CTL guys ended up going on the datenight. That made it awesome because any situation where you have a bunch of guys who don't know each other gets awkward, so it was nice to be going with brothers. Tumnus and Nate had a bit of an awkward time, Nate because his date wouldn't talk to him and Tumnus because he made it that way for himself (his date was actually fairly social/coo). I, however, had a blast. My date was this Junior Nursing Major, whom I had never met before, named Jill. She was not awkward at all, and we had a great time.

The night itself involved going to this Christian Farm Camp Thing. Some of the townies knew the guy "Uncle Bill" who ran it, so they got a good deal for a private thingie. First thing that we did was go on a longish hay-ride around their property (which was really big). That was pretty fun because me and Mr. Tumnus sat next to each other and goofed off most of the time. We pretty much had a telling-embarrassing-stories party, which was good times. I told the Kindergarten Tae Kwon Do story and the Spring Hill Speedo story and Mr. Tumnus rocked the Stealing the Wolfdog/Bootcamp story. Our dates had themselves a good laugh at our antics and were not awkward about participating in the revelries. Next we did barn-dancing. Now, those that know me know that I am not a country boy (despite dreams of being an emo cowboy when I was little). You may also know that I am not at all much of a dancer. So it may surprise you to hear that it was actually a lot of fun. "Uncle Bill" is a certified Square-Dance Caller, so he ran the thing for us with the aid of a small-record player (for real). It ended up being a really good time, and I have decided that I quite like dances where you are told what to do. I am in one accord with Ioe on this one. After the dance, we had a large bonfire with s'mores. It had been a while since I had one of those. Tumnus and Nate went home early after this, and missed out. We played a fun game called "I Have Never" and those what could play guitar played us some songs. At the end, there was some drama because of lost keys, but that was eventually sorted out. All in all, it was a blast, and just what I needed to get my mind off of things that, as much as I would like to resolve them now, I will probably simply have to wait out.

I'm sorry that things didn't work out the way that we both hoped they would.
-L

"Hello there, good to see you. How are you? I need you."

2006-04-21T11:09:00.000-07:00

So the other day (Tuesday), I had a "Come-and-Seer" stay in my room. He was a little awkward, not in the "home-schooled and doesn't talk" way but more in the "seems to have strange ideas about social interaction". And I don't even mean like that one "C&Ser" who second-based Pinne. This guy's deal was that he asked a lot of questions. Conversation would pretty much consist of him asking a question, me answering it, him asking another question, me answering it, ad nauseam. Now, that's alright in itself. Questions are a great way to get to know people and what sort of people go to a certain school, and at least he didn't just sit there awkwardly. The strange thing (I come, at last, to my point) was the nature of his questions. They were all extremely /factual/, for lack of a better word. Things like "What's your favorite caf meal?" and "Do you often have a lot of homework?" These may seem innocent enough in themselves, but the way he asked them was purely data-gathering, which made it a little weird.

Then we get on to the /really/ special part: personal questions asked in the same spirit of data-assimilation! He says: "So have you dated anyone on campus?" I figure, well, maybe a little personal right off the bat but, hey, I'm not /that/ private of a person. So I say: "Yeah, but we broke up." Now, I'm ready (if he asks) to give a civil explanation of the reason why, and how (as far as break-ups go) it really went pretty well, etc. but his next question is anything but "Oh? Why's that?". It is, in fact, "Was she pretty?". Now, /that/ was kind of weird, but I shrug it off and say: "Well, yeah. I mean: /I/ sure thought so." To which he chuckles and replies, "Yeah, I mean: we're guys..." So at that point, I'm not even sure /which/ is weirder: that he thinks the most important question to ask about a relationship has to do with looks, or that he thinks the only reason I was in a relationship with this girl is because I'm a guy and ergo think girls are pretty. So, needless to say: a weird C&Ser. He also dropped an awkwardly-placed "I'm hanging out with college guys" F-Bomb while we were talking. Oh well... I guess he was only a High-School Junior. He has some time to grow up.

However, one amazing thing did come out of the experience: I ended up watching 28 Days Later with a bunch of guys. Well... I don't think I can really credit the C&Ser with that one. I mean, he was /there/, but I watched the movie because Mr. Tumnus and Dirty Dan both gave it high recommendations. I was very pleasantly surprised. The movie was billed as a zombie-flick, but that's really not what it's about. It's more of an "epidemic movie", as Double-D asserts. The zombies only appear in a few scenes, and are more of an aspect in the plot rather than the reason for it's creation. Despite the USCCB's hyperbole, it was not "excessively violent", especially for a zombie-film, and only had two "cringe-moments", both pretty minor.On the whole: it was a film about man's will to survive, the importance of family in hard times, "man's inhumanity to man" and ultimately: hope. The movie also starred Cillian Murphy, who lends a lot of intimacy and authentic humanity to the movie. I think that after Batman Begins, Red Eye and now 28 Day Later, Mr. Murphy is on my "Sean Connery List" (which, to the uninitiated, means that any movie he's in is bound to be good at least insofar as he's in it). The soundtrack for the movie was also pretty rocking. At one point during an instrumental post-rock piece, I leaned over to DD and said, "Hey, do you know who did the soundtrack? This sounds a lot like Godspeed You! Black Emperor." He had no idea who did the music, and I resolved to check later. Upon checking, I discovered that GY!BE did in fact contribute a track to the score: a fact which made me very happy. Identifying obscure Canadian bands from an obscure genre by a minute-long (their songs are generally around 15min) instrumental segment is pretty much what I live for.

I really need to start working on my paper sometime. I'm turning it in on Monday. I have CTL Date Night this Saturday... Sheesh. I just need to get this thing done with!

Hesychia,
-L

"Well there's a frieght-train coming to put your head in check: our love is never coming back..."

2006-04-18T10:07:00.000-07:00

So I figured maybe I should write a post-Easter update. Yeah... I finished my Honors paper on Tuesday morning of Holy Week and turned it in during class. I hope to get a good grade on it, seeing as he probably won't do more than skim any of our papers. I then took the next few days off, and left for home on Thursday at 2PM.

It was really interesting to go home. I hadn't been home since Christmas, so I was definitely looking forward to it. Kirsten and I drove straight to Christ the King (Church, not Chapel) to make it in time for Holy Thursday Mass. It was strange because as soon as I got out of the car, I was "back in Ann Arbor" in that way that feels like you've never left. Everything seemed the same as when I had left home in January. Of course, things had definitely changed. I went to Mission Christ on Friday and (perhaps because it was Good Friday and attendance was slightly low) there were a fair number of kids that I didn't even know. It was very interesting seeing how much Mission has changed since John Luton left, as well as how much its spirit has stayed the same. It was like a time-capsule, going to Mission and hearing some of those unspoken assumptions about what the Christian life really is. Those assumptions that I bought into most of the way through High School. I see myself back then, then look at myself now and realize how much my faith has grown from the Mission Christ standard. Mr. Tews, during the Pizza Time, told me that he wants to have a sort of get-together over the summer with the seniors and some of the Mission Christ "alumni". He wants to just get us together and talk about what life in college is like, especially after/compared to Mission. I told him that I'd love to do it, and it sounds pretty exciting.

On Saturday, Reez and I went to Raja Rani's (sp?) for lunch. It was a sorta expensive buffet considering how not-hungry I was, but it was pretty good Indian food (though perhaps not comparable to the stuff we had in Little India). All it all, it was one of those excellent brother-sister times we have. It's going to be pretty cool going to school together again next year. My great-aunts came over on Saturday night along with the Mr. & Mrs. Rykowski (family friends). We had a great dinner then played Taboo (which is a pretty fun game). Our conversation throughout the night was very interesting and, as my father observed afterwards, somewhat centered around death. Definitely the kind of conversation that makes you think a lot...

All in all, it was a good time at home. I got to weigh myself for the first time since January (for those of you who are unfamiliar with my idiosyncrasies, I usually weigh myself at least three times a day when I'm at home). I had dropped from 168lbs to around 158-60lbs. I guess I generally do lose weight at school. I got to see Aaron, Ross, Bobby, Ed, DC, Dave Hotburg and Flat Panagan and spent the wee hours of Easter Morning puff-puff-passing the peace-pipe with them. My mother baked an excellent Sunshine Torte which I unfortunately did not get a picture of for my Facebook "Cakes I Have Eaten" series. On the upside, however, I talked to Beez on the phone and she said that she had copies of my French Braiding pictures, so I can probably put those up once she emails them to me. Also: I bought the latest "Mates of State" album (called "Bring it Back") which thus far seems pretty excellent, though more mellow than "Team Boo" was. I also purchased "The Machinist", and watched it with my family on Easter Night. My mother, who has a history of watching good Hitchcockian thrillers, enjoyed it more than my father or sister. The movie is seriously great though...

The downsides of the trip were: I didn't really have enough time to apply for jobs, so that will have to wait until I get back for the summer. Break was not long enough, and now I have to write my Epistemology paper (which I really don't have enough time to do). Also: I genuinely noticed the lack of Beez's presence, which was pretty sad. At least she is coming home this summer! There was also one other person who I had a morbid (or perhaps no longer so morbid?) desire to see who was out of town.

So now I'm back at Steubenville for three weeks... there are some books sitting in front of me, and I've got to start squeezing a five-pager out of them. I'm not too excited to be back. At least I have something to look forward to: Ms. Fogarty is having a Napoleon Dynamite pizza party tomorrow at 9PM... so I'll try to finish the paper by then. Dr. Harold likes me, and would probably take the paper up to a week late (esp. considering that it's a night class).

Hesychia,
-L

"We've got a dreamer, she's going up in flames. Fire it now and sort it out."

2006-04-12T14:18:00.000-07:00

So the other day, I was watching a bunch of movie trailers on apple.com, like I often do. I was actually pretty surprised by how many films there were that had a gay character, not just as the old "wacky friend" motif but as the star character, and even the entire basis for the story. I think that our culture is currently going through its struggle to discover what it thinks about the whole thing, and we're seeing that enacted in our media. While there are semi-serious films dealing with homosexuality, most of the movies that currently feature gay characters/premises are comedies. Now, most comedic premises are pretty edgy. They have been ever since the Romans. We take things that we are unsure of, afraid of or angered by and we see if there's another side to it: if we can laugh at it. I think that's what society's doing now, and I think we are all pretty sure which way things are going to go in the end, because that's how they've been going since the 60's.

I believe in the power of God's grace. That's a basic premise of my life, although it's also something that I have to remind myself of daily. I believe in the power of God's mercy to save what look like hopeless situations, and I believe that His love is so great that He desires to save us. At the same time, watching those trailers and realizing just how young our culture is becoming desensitized makes me very nervous about the idea of raising children.

I think that perhaps it's worth noting here that I don't wholeheartedly condemn the concept behind the buzzword "desensitized". I think that a shocked or naive reaction in many situations is not ideal, morally or practically. However, the age at which kids are now getting exposed to things leads not so much to desensitization as such but more to indoctrination. I guess it just seems like it would be so hard sometimes to have a group of little, naive souls that you're trying to lead to mercy and grace in a world as unforgiving and despairing as this one. I guess God will give me the grace to do that when the time arrives, and I think that patience, or perhaps more appropriately "long-suffering", is the most vital virtue to parenthood. It just strikes me sometimes what a big vocation this is...

Hesychia,-
L

P.S. I downloaded a PlayStation emulator today, and spent most of the day downloading Genso Suikoden I in parts... I have yet to see if it works but, if it does: nostalgia, here we come!

"Everybody look inside their hands, and everybody tell me what they feel."

2006-04-10T09:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think that I live in a very different, much simpler world than everyone else. At least the weather's nicer here...

I feel very accomplished today. I got up this morning at 9AM, took a shower, went to the Financial Aid desk, paid off my housing deposit, went to the housing fair /and/ mailed out my taxes! What a way to start the day, and all that before lunch! I have some thoughts I could write about, but I might leave that to later today. For now, I've gotten questions as to why I haven't updated all week, so here's a week's worth of Material Update, focusing on my awesome weekend:

So I spent all last week in three stages: sick, recovering from sickness and healthy but tired from being sick. This is why there were no updates all week. I spent all of Monday night throwing up, then most of Tuesday sleeping, aching and fevering. Wednesday and Thursday I dragged myself to class and got to bed early. Then this weekend, which I knew ahead of time would be busy, arrived.

So this weekend two close friends visited at the same time. Two close friends from two completely different social circles. One was a graduated household brother: Andrew Gill, and the other was my longtime comrade: Aaron Harburg. The weekend actually ended up being a good time with both of them, and I didn't really feel like either one was ignored. I saw Andrew Friday night at Household Mass and talked a bit beforehand. Then the "Ann Arbor Eight" (it's been quite a while since there were eight of us on the same campus) + friends watched Devdas, which all of the guys at least agreed was a very good, deep movie. The girls haven't really expressed an opinion aside from it being one of the most depressing movies ever.

On Saturday I lead my first Lord's Day as Coordinator. It was weird because I've been saying the response part for about two years now and can practically do it from memory. I also practically know the Coordinator's part by heart, but it was really weird to be /saying/ it, so I messed up once or twice. It went pretty smoothly though, and no one got hurt. After that, CTL had a formal dinner with our sister household, SOL. They spent all day cooking it (some of us helped where we could) and it was delicious. It was angel-hair pasta with heavenly meatballs and wonderful garlic bread. I may not be at all Italian, but they have some good food! After that, I just felt like goofing off (rather than starting on my Honors paper), so I challenged Don Thomasino to a game of Halo (he could play, since he starts his Sabbaths on Saturday evening). Odin came along, and we ended up playing Star Wars Battlefront co-op for three hours! That was fun, just sitting around, shooting the breeze as well as Rebel Scum. The Empire pwned that night, and afterward we sat around talking a bit more. JP Nunez came over from Francois and Thomasino and he and I did a few rounds of Halo. I actually held my own in one of the games, which was nice! After JP went home, Thomas and Michael Miller and I stayed around (well, it was Mueller's room) for at least an hour more just talking. Subjects covered over the course of the five hours I spent in that room ranged from music to relationships to girls themselves, and there were many lines that we swore never to quote in any context. All in all, it was a blast and I got to bed about 2 hours later than I had intended, without having started my paper!

Sunday morning I woke up kind of early because Mass was at 10AM instead of 11. Afterwards, Aaron and I went off-campus to Amy Brockman's house. She made us scrambled eggs with cheese and spinach in it, which tasted sehr gut. We spent the brunch and about an hour or two afterwards talking about relationships. Not like, /romantic/ relationships (for once) because all three of us are single, but more along the lines of friendship. The major focus of conversation was how the relationship of Superior, Support Group and Person That You're Ministering To changes the friendship. I mainly took a silent role, and was content to listen to them talk. We also covered some practical catechetical issues and while we didn't solve /all/ of the world's problems, well... we didn't have any pipes or cigars either. When I got back to the dorm, I stopped by Thomasino's room and got roped into a round of Halo while he took a break. I ended up playing Will Marks and some girl I don't know. They were both decent beginners, but I still pwned them. It's nice for me to do that sometimes because I generally only play really good Halo players, so I sometimes forget that not everyone can kick my butt. I guess I'm just on the Accelerated Learning track. :)

I finally started my paper Sunday Night before Men's Group. I spent about an hour distractedly researching while listening to excellent music. I currently have 3 pages of quotations, and that's only with not even 2 of the 6 books I need to use for this paper. Once again: I am stuck with way more information than I need. But that's better than the alternative and, it looks like it'll get done! At 9:30PM, JoeG stopped by my room on his way to Men's Group, which is good because I had totally forgotten about it. Men's Group actually got done pretty quickly (done by midnight like usual, but we started at 10 rather than 9) and I was in bed by 1:30AM. And that's all she wrote!

A Material Update

2006-04-03T19:48:00.000-07:00

75% of my Wing and I all have the flu. I'm doing alright and it should be gone in around 24 hours. Until then, prayers for all involved are appreciated. Some people are having it a lot worse than me (so far). On the bright side, I barely notice my cold anymore. There's nothing like vomiting to clear out your sinues. That and Indian cuisine.

Speaking of infectious illnesses that destroy the lives of many, I joined Facebook. I have been pretty vocally against my friends' Facebook addiction, and I figured that at this point the strongest statement that I can make at this point is not to not join, but to join and /not/ get addicted. Or something. I read articles on Dadaism on Wikipedia this morning and felt like making an absurdist action/statement. ;)
I wrote half an entry today, which I might finish tomorrow when confined to the dorm.

Hesychia,
-L

A Material Update

2006-03-31T10:03:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it is hard to sit down and write here because one the one hand I have material updates w/re: what is going on in my life, and on the other hand I have longwinded "thoughts of the day" that could drag on for a while. I feel compelled to keep the two pretty separate because I'm sure that some people read this blog mostly for the former, more practical news, and I would hate for them to be overwhelmed by the vast marshland that is my mind (nice mental image), thus missing out on details such as the election of a new CTL coordinator. So here is a purely practical update.

Yeah, so maybe you've already heard, maybe not. A surprising number of people seem to know. We had the CTL coordinator elections last night. It was between Josh Houde and myself, and I won. I am convinced that it was a very close election, however. I mean, Houde read his "vision statement" for household before I did, and I was pretty intimidated. I mean, I can't honestly stand up and say, "I would definitely make a better coordinator than Josh Houde." It's just not true. It is also the case, however, that I have felt called to fulfill this role in household next year. So I am at peace with the way things worked out, and pretty excited for next year. I don't assume actual coordinator-ship for a few more weeks, when Matt MacDonald passes on "The Shaft", and even then he will be there to help my transition.The great thing is, as several brothers noted during the Q&A section, about 75% of Houde and my vision statements were the same. The rest of it was personal style and practical plans for implementation but, as Houde said, "It's the same Holy Ghost's vision." I chose Houde as my Ass-Co (Assistant Coordinator) for next year, and I think that'll be great. He has a lot of enthusiasm and strengths that perfectly complement some of my weaknesses. Like Rico said, "It's like you two are each half of the perfect coordinator!" So, yeah. My hope is that he will be a strong Ass-Co and still bring as much of his take on the vision to household as possible. Like I said in my vision statement, I think that next year, as a predominantly young household, we're going to have a lot of enthusiasm. As coordinator, I plan to do everything possible to nurture, channel and facilitate that enthusiasm and creativity into great things for CTL. It's going to be awesome. A large part of the practical side of my vision was to get as many brothers on Orientation Team as possible, and already two of them have said they'll do it. The more the better!

And now I have to write my talk on Our Lady of Sorrows for retreat. We leave in two and a half hours. :)

Hesychia,-L

P.S. I guess my "nothing but the facts ma'am" updates can get pretty lengthy too...
P.P.S. I ought also to mention that my loving mother sent me what looks to be a treasure chest full of wonderful chocolate chip cookies! I will hide them safely in my room for the weekend, and be sure to bring them to Men's Group. Num-Num!

Move over, Satan, I'm a God-blessed sinner!

2006-03-30T09:29:00.000-08:00

So. My brother, Ross Acheson, wrote a post about going (or rather, about not going) to Ghana. I always love talking to Ross, and reading his "LJ" is as close as I get most of the time when I'm at school. Ross has a real passion for simplicity and great insight into the beauty and humility of Christian life. He said something in his post that has been on my mind as well. I started to write a comment but, as is my style, I found that it was getting too long. Since I've started this "LJ" I've begun noticing how verbose I am when I type. Anyways, back to Ross. In this post, he says that:"Now that I've been in the habit of thinking about the possibility of living abroad, and now that going abroad is no longer a near possibility, I realize that I am beginning to tire of life in America-- complacency, prosperity, satisfaction of outward desires, and television."I agree with you about America, Ross. At the very least, I tire of the materialism, if not the country itself. It seems so attractive to just go somewhere else and live a simple life, especially at a Franciscan school. Especially during Lent, when one gets to immerse oneself in self-denial and giving up extraneous pleasures to better focus on Christ. I grow tired of living in a culture that exists simply to stay sated and disdains any concept of suffering for the sake of something better. The other day, however, the "quote board" in our dorm said "A man who cannot be holy where he is cannot be holy anywhere." I forget who said it, but it struck me as true.If we find ourselves struggling to keep our focus on God amidst all the noise, often we ask God (or at least wish) to put us in a place where it would be easier to remain focused solely on His glory. These are the times when I find myself wishing I was called to life in a monastery. I hear Joe G. talking about the SSJC (Society of St. John Cantius) and how peaceful his soul feels when he's there. And it's possible that he is called to be there. Many are called to live a life dedicated to the Lord in that way: living a simple life in obedience. The graces in that kind of life seem overwhelming to me, the humility and sacrifice that are the cornerstone of our faith. But I am pretty darn sure that I'm called to the married life. Now, I know that there are many graces found it that life as well, and that it is possible to live a simple married life in a materialistic society. I firmly intend to do so.My point, I guess is that often our response to trials is "God, get me out of here" rather than "God, give me the grace to live here". It strikes me that, rather than praying for a life where I need as little grace as possible to remain holy, I ought to pray for the flood of grace necessary to remain unstained in a sinful world. And that's what I want. I don't want the easy bubble life where my faith is never challenged. I want a life so flooded with grace that even the darkest powers flee. Ross concludes his thought by saying:"I wonder if it's not time to settle into life here and learn how to be holy where I am now and where I likely will be for much of my life."That is the very same calling that I've been feeling. It is God's calling not to push our cup away but rather to drink deeply of the Blood of Christ. Peace and love, Ross. You're in my prayers, bro.-LP.S. At the job-fair yesterday, pretty much everyone was there to recruit theology majors, nursing students or education majors. The only people there for psychologists were the Army. Y'know, back when I was going to be a priest, I was going to be a chaplain in the military and serve the soldiers. Perhaps God is calling me to take another look at that plan, as a psychologist in the military? I don't know that I'd choose the /Army/ over, say, the Air Force or something but... It's on my mind and in my prayers. And I took their folder.

Poop-news, Good-news and My Sunday Afternoon

2006-03-27T20:00:00.000-08:00

So, today I get to my Adjustment class, see the other kids with their workbooks and I'm like, "Crap." I totally forgot to do it. I asked and he was unrelenting on the whole "no late work" policy so... I think the /most/ I can get in that class now is an 88%. So there goes my hopes for all A's. The really sucky thing is that, if I had remembered, that assignment would have taken me 30min to do, tops.

On a brighter note, Eric Dumas (the RD of Trinity) asked me the other day to stop by his room sometime to talk. After a few tries, I caught him there this evening. He pretty much said that he just wanted me to know that cutting me off the RA-staff was a tough decision and that I did make it to the top few. He said that it wasn't so much indicative of me not being a good candidate as it was a matter of having way /too/ many good choices this year. So he encouraged me to apply again next year, which I'm probably going to do. I think this just underscores the idea that God probably wants me to be coordinator next year instead. The elections are this Thursday (we got a rush-deadline imposed from above), and I still have to write a "vision statement" for household so... prayers for me and for household's discernment are appreciated.

Other good news is that CTL's Meditation tonight was awesome. It was Chrissy P's turn and he did an awesome job. It was on brotherhood and some practical strategies for maintaining it, especially with regards to reconciling differences/offences. It certainly hit home to several things household needs this and next year. I'm going to miss that crazy Canadian next year... but at least he'll be back my Senior year. So I spent most of yesterday (Sunday) listening to/ripping music. I gave up listening to music for Lent (the second year in a row) as my main sacrifice, and so far it has been easier than it was last year. Those who know me know that I listen to a /lot/ of music, so giving it up is, well... not a /challenge/ because I have no trouble doing it once I've decided to. It's definitely big part of my daily life to give up though. So I take full advantage of my Sundays to catch up on new bands I've discovered as well as songs that I've been wanting to listen to all week.

In this case, my week was a rather nostalgic one, so I spent the whole day ripping all of the old third-wave Ska CDs that I owned in 8th/9th grade but lost. Luckily Joe G. still has all of them in his collection. I spent most of the day rediscovering the joys that the OC Supertones and Insyderz brought to my life, and now that I have them on my computer, I hope to re-add "ska-kid" to my already voluminous musical self-description (future-pop/EBM-listening metalcore post-rocker emo-kid with indie sensibilities, for those keeping score at home). On a funny note, the other night Pinne (Christopher Pinnegar) had a NET-candidate staying in his room. We got to talking about music (because he had longish hair) and he asked me what I listened to. I told him some basic genres that I frequent and after I was done he kind of had a blank look on his face and said, "Dude, I'm not even sure what most of that is." He listens to Reliant K (who, I will reiterate once again, it is perfectly okay for girls to like). The three of us ended up having a good-yet-short music conversation despite that, and the fact that he was an emo-hater. This probably shook up poor Pinne more than it did me, seeing as he has no other pretensious, hyphenated sub/cross-genres to keep him warm if his emo fails to impress.

I actually have been thinking about music a bit recently, as going cold-turkey makes one do... but that is a post for another time. For now, good luck and good night.

Oops, I guess...

2006-03-23T23:02:00.000-08:00

I really didn't mean to post anything today... I really don't want to put up my superlong ramblings /every/ single day. I figure I already pretty much lost my readership over Spring Break but... well, I guess this "LJ" was always more for me to write than you to read so gosh darn it, I'll write.

Writing is not something I've been doing a whole lot of recently. I haven't updated my website since mid-Summer (I should...). I have only written /one/ poem post-breakup (though, to be honest, it hasn't been super traumatic), and the last time I wrote before then was a few short ditties over Christmas break. Honestly, it's a little weird. I've always (well, since old-times) thought of myself as a writer, and here I haven't written much recently. From Girl 1 in early 2004 through Girl 3 in early 2006, I have written a poem or three about pretty much everything I've felt during that time, be it spiritual, emotional or physical. Last year I did at least a semester of two-per-week. It was always a form of validation, I guess. I write about it: there it is, encapsulated perfectly (or amateurishly) in 14 lines that I can reread years later and say, "Yeah, I felt/thought exactly that way."

But I haven't been writing recently, or at least not poetry. Instead of having this urge to compress the (so-called) "Human Experience" into 70 iambs, I have been compulsively writing long-winded entries on an "LJ". And I've been pleased with how some of them turn out. So maybe this is a new turn in the road? I sort-of miss "Writer's Group" sometimes. Those were good times, if nothing else. At least looking back they were good, and I don't really talk about writing with anyone these days.

So I guess this post boils down to:
a) I have been feeling, and validating feelings, without the help of metre or rhyme.
b) I reread most of my poetry tonight (by which I mean at 3:00AM after long conversation with brothers, previous to which I watched Pulp Fiction, which I quite enjoyed) and am feeling in a pretty nostalgic mood due to all three of those. Conversation with brothers is awesome. Pulp Fiction was much better than purported. Even my gothy poetry took on a happy glow in hindsight.

Ah, Nostalgia...

If a dream were eschatological, would we ever wake?

2006-03-22T18:57:00.000-08:00

The hardest part about getting back from break is kicking my butt into gear to read Honors. The best part is seeing the people I missed over break (though bittersweet because I didn't get a chance to see my friends and family back home).

In case you all hadn't heard, I got offered a position as an RA Alternate on Lower Campus next year. The RSVP date was yesterday, so I sent Louis an email declining. I simply said that next year will be a very transitional period for my household, and I'd like to stay in the (best) dorm (on campus) with them. And it's true: next year will be an awesome year to live on CTL wing (not that this year hasn't already been frickadiculous). We have 16 (unless my memory fails me) brothers and one intent right now. We'll be graduating six people this May though, setting us back to a respectable 11 brothers, once we induct Kilby. And all of these guys, especially the new guys, are young and have lots of time and energy to put into household. Wing-life has been booming this year already, even with most of the seniors' time getting sucked up in school-work and fiances. Although it will be a shame to lose some of the great wisdom our seniors have, next year will be awesome because household will be large and predominantly young!

The issue with a young household is that our tradition states that you have to have been a brother for over a year to be Coordinator. It's not an ironclad thing, but it's tradition for a good reason. That leaves three people, including myself, who qualify. The other two will be seniors next year and, while we like to have seniors Coordinate whenever possible, they are likely to be busy. Neither has expressed a real interest in being Coordinator aside from "Well, if that's what household wants, I guess I'll do it." That leaves me. Now, I always intended to be Coordinator. Ever since I joined I wanted to; it sounded like a lot of fun. I always figured I'd be an RA my Junior year, then Coordinate my Senior year though. So I figure that this is God's way of shifting my schedule around a little. I will probably be Coordinator next year, as things are looking now, and I can apply again for RA as a Senior (perhaps). As I told my mom, this was the perfect situation because I didn't get completely shot down by ResLife, I just got a "try again", which I probably will. As is, I am quite excited about meeting all the great guys God will bring here next year. I often pray that He will guide to us all those who He has called in a special way to dedicate their college life to love. That sentence was very "obscure" (to quote Mr. Aaron Hottburg), but it's late and I don't know how else to phrase it.

Now on to the Thought of the Day:The other night, I had a dream about the End of the World. Now, to start, it's strange that I even had a dream. All the way through high school and the past 3 semesters, I maybe had under 10 dreams. In the past two weeks, however, I have both been sleeping more fitfully, and dreaming practically every-other night. It's weird, and I can't explain it, but it's kind of cool too.

The particulars of the dream have faded, and I can only remember the general impressions. It was not so much an "angels battling demons in a fiery sky as the last stars fall"-style Harburgian "Shekina Apocalypse", but more of a "The Last Night of the World"-style Bradburian event. All I can remember is standing around talking with my good friends and being certain that before the sun set I would see Christ come in glory. It was a wonderful feeling knowing that the sun need never rise again, but instead I would spend eternity in the light of the Son of God. I knew in my heart that (for the Christian) the Apocalypse is not a new Inquisition, but instead the loving Father coming to take us home. The Trumpet-Blast is not a war-cry but the start of a wonderful, eternal dance. It was the assurance that God would not abandon His Children amidst the carnage, but rather that this, like all things He does, is entirely for our good. It was a wonderful excitement, and I awoke feeling happy and at peace.

This dream was especially wonderful because my attitude towards the Second Coming has not always been one of excitement. Now, I have gone on-and-off on the idea of it happening in my lifetime. I eventually settled on "I Don't Care". I am equally happy to die in bed, a 93 year old man surrounded by family as I am to hear the final trumpet sound at the age of 20. The thing is, for much of my life the idea of St. Michael marching out and starting to play "Taps" has been a petrifying concept. I have not been prepared to go. My first thought on hearing a trumpet play was usually "Oh crap, where is a priest?" So this feeling of joy and excitement about the Second Coming, even though it was only in a dream, is a very welcome feeling. I haven't been scared of the Final Judgment for a while now, but it is always good to look back and reflect on how far I have come. Back in the day I would be scared every time I listened to The O.C. Supertones song "Tonight", now it is running through my head and I have a taste of the peace that they're singing about.I need the grace to always rest in this peace: that God has my life in His hands. I need it when I think about Death, Life, applying for a Graduate School or even the old familiar "Oh gosh, I can't talk to that girl, she'll think I'm creepy!" I need the confidence that God has a plan, a great work in my life that He is bringing to completion through my cooperation with His grace. The confidence that He is not simply by putting the planning and execution of my life squarely on my own shoulders. I am becoming aware of how much I need this confidence proper to a son of God, and I rejoice that He is even now starting to bring it about in me.My final thought is: let us live our lives completely to glorify God, so that when He comes it is the exclamation point on our praises and the denouement of what we have been telling and showing the world for years through our love: that we have a Father who loves us, and He will come to bring us Home.

New Jersey Update: Saturday

2006-03-18T21:20:00.000-08:00

So the last day in Jersey is completed. We went to the abortion clinic again in the morning. Nothing new to report... we got more fingers and swearing this time though. We then came back to the house, had a lunch and went out. We went to Target with this "Ix" kid. She was not as revolutionarily strange as had been advertised, but seemed nice enough all around. Typical Ann Arbor 16-year-old anime-obsessed slash-writing girl, I guess. Claire bought the "adult" (i.e. grown-up, not sketchy) version of Apples to Apples. I bought X-Men Legends II: Rise of Apocalypse, because it finally got down to $20.

When we got back to the house, Mark and I put the first layer of paint on some siding that the Gilligans are putting up. We then had to leave for "Mass". I say "Mass" because we actually went to Divine Liturgy. It was pretty awesome. It was a pretty small (though it was the Saturday vigil) parish called St. Elias (named after Elias Magnus himself, Aaron Harburg). The architecture, mosaics and icons were beautiful. Their liturgy is also very good. There are many prayers in it that I wish we had at least equivalents to in the Roman rite. We certainly made at least one old woman's day, even though I was wearing jeans and a T-shirt (my dress-clothes were beyond dirty...). That sort of thing is always worth it. Showing them that there's still youth in the Church, y'know. It's one of the reasons that I love going on retreat where we do: it's a powerful witness.

So after that, we came back to the house (stopping only to get some flowers and a card for Mrs. Gilligan) and had a great (delayed) St. Patrick's Day dinner. Corned-beef and cabbage. I love them both super equally. After dinner, Mark and I put on the second coat of paint while the girls did some vacuuming. Everyone played about three games in a row of Apples to Apples then. It was a lot of fun. I won the first game, Susanna won the second and I forget who won the third. It is a very fun game and I am glad that Claire will be bringing it back to Steubenville.

So, on the whole: New Jersey was a lot of fun. We did a bunch of awesome things and none of us got in any huge fights. There was surprisingly little "I'm sick of being around you guys all day" friction, or else it all went over my head. I am definitely ready to get back to school though. Breaks are a lot of fun, but only when they end. That is the entirety of my tired thought of the day: all good breaks need to end sometime. This one was very good, and is ready to be over.The last thing that we did tonight (just got done with) was watching Aladdin. Disney's Aladdin. It was about 10 years since I last saw it, I think. At least. It is a very enjoyable film still, and probably one of my favorites. Anyone who says that Disney/Pixar only started making movies for older people with Shrek hasn't rewatched the old classics. I think that it's only after like, Hercules or something that Disney movies became /entirely/ insipid. At least, that's when I stopped watching.

The platitude of the day was: "Priests/religious are 'married to the Church'." I realize that I forgot to list the other various platitudes of the day that have occurred throughout the week... um... I don't remember most of them this late, but maybe if you ask me later I will.

Hesychia,
-L

New Jersey Update: Friday

2006-03-17T20:54:00.000-08:00

So. Today was pretty darn awesome. We got to sleep in a bit (until 9AM). We then fiddled around for a few hours and helped Claire's mom around the house a bit. Then we headed off to Jersey City.

Once there, we went to Liberty State Park or something. We figured maybe we'd check out prices for the ferry to Ellis Island because Susanna wanted to go there. The ferry cost $11.50, so that was right out. Instead we walked along the sea-side path and actually got as decent a land-view of Ellis & the Statue as is possible. We also saw a police-dog (with -man) guarding the secret employee's-only bridge to Ellis Island. Well, not so much guarding as playing tug-o'-war with a rubber toy. It was pretty fun. They pretty much only close the bridge to the public so that the public has to pay $11.50 to get to the island. Which is dumb.

After that, we went over to a Mall nearby. And... (here it comes) we actually caught V for Vendetta on Opening Day! It was only $6.75 for the ticket, and the theater was actually a lot better than Showcase. The film itself was awesome! It has been a really long time since I saw an awesome movie that I have been anticipating for about a year on opening day! Return of the King may have been the last time. Suffice to say that the movie itself was, in a word, frickadiculous. I am already a big fan of the book (and everything that Alan Moore writes, in general), and I was very pleased with Hollywood's rendition. They did (of course) cut out quite a few subplots (/no/ movie could render full justice to Mr. Moore's intricacies), but left the main plot pretty untouched. They "updated" it a little, of course, but it was a very good interpretation. Natalie "The Mother of Luke Skywalker" Portman and Hugo "Agent Smith" Weaving were /excellent/ in the title roles. In short: I had high expectations for this movie. It surpassed them, and sent shivers down my spine several times. It has been /way/ too long since a movie did either of those things. I am definitely buying it when it comes out.

The Bishops (or their old "rating women") with undoubtedly rate it "O", unfortunately, so I'll have to watch it in my room or off-campus. They don't have a rating up yet, but DecentFilms.com gave it a -4 on their Moral Scale, which is as low as it goes. They put it in the same category as "The Last Temptation of Christ", which I don't think that it deserved. Their review was fair and showed familiarity with the source-work, but I think that it focused too much on the film-as-commentary on the Bush Administration, which is certainly there but not necessarily taken from the film. Also: the point of the story is not really to agree with all of the characters but to think about the issues presented. In that respect, the film-makers did very well.I think the part that made me the most happy was that they preserved the /heart/ of the book. V for Vendetta is definitely a "negative utopia" story in the tradition of "1984", but it doesn't have the same negative outlook on humanity. At the heart of it, the story teaches that people are good and have the wits and natural capacity to create a world worth living in. And that same spirit of "compassionate anarchy" (because Moore's book was always about anarchy vs. fascism, not left-wing vs. right-wing, as the movie tends more to see things) is definitely in the movie. Man, I really want to see it again. Maybe I'll convince someone in Steubenville to go.

Hesychia,
-L

New Jersey Update: Thursday

2006-03-16T19:29:00.000-08:00

So this is my update for Thursday, in outline form:
1) We visited Victoria, Claire's friend. She has a baby and the fattest Labrador I've ever seen. Fun was had with all three of them.
2) We went down to the "Jersey Shore" and visited Claire's grandmother. We had cookies and tea at her house, watched CNN with her and kept up a running commentary on World News.
3) We went to the actual Jersey shore and walked on the beach. I picked up some shells to put on my shelf at school. Maybe it will make the room more festive/vacationy. We also tried to dig up hermit crabs unsuccessfully, and I wrote "Mark is a girl" in the sand /twice/. He was not expecting to come across the first one, but the second caught him completely off-guard. I then found a sign-post and Susanna found a pine-cone. We played baseball with them for a few minutes.
4) We went to "Little India" for dinner. It is apparently the most authentic Indian cuisine experience around, including anything in "the City". I wanted to go and managed to convince Claire (i.e. said "Let's go eat Indian over Spring Break.") and the others. It was excellent food. I had some sort of Goat. It was their "mild" spiciness-setting, so it was not overwhelming (though certainly not tame by my Swedish standards) and we had enough yogurt to go around. So there was actually no intestinal difficulties, which was strange and welcome! Definitely worth doing again, maybe I'll look into Rajah Rani's when I'm back in "Tree-Town".
And that's all I have to say about that.

Hesychia,
-L

New Jersey Update: Wednesday

2006-03-15T20:29:00.000-08:00

So. We didn't do much today. Mostly sat around and read "Piers Plowman". I've already finished the reading for Tuesday because Thursday's reading is twice as long and I figure I'd better get started on it. I like it pretty well so far. It reminds me of Candide and Pilgrim's Progress. The best parts are some of the long, hyphenated names. Piers' son's name is something like "Always-listen-to-your-elders-and-do-what-they-say-or-maybe-you'll-wish-you-had". Priceless.

Other than that, we spent some time hanging out on the waterfront in 300mph winds, looking across the water at some Staten Island landfill. Mark and I went for a pleasant walk before dinner. Dinner itself consisted of excellent Shepard's Pie. We then played a very long game of Apples to Apples. This week has been my first introduction to that game, but it is very fun. I totally pwned this time.

So, the Thought of the Day:
So I guess Piers Plowman has got me thinking... in both this work and Canterbury Tales, the Church and its ministers get a hard scolding. It was a time of great difficulty in the Church due to the priest-shortage from the Plague. The Church's weakened state allowed a bunch of rogues to get in and abuse their power; it definitely needed to be whipped into shape. The thing is: the people who stepped up to do it were generally people who loved the Church! They certainly say hard things and bring ugly realities to light, but they do so recognizing that these gluttons and liars are not the Church but rather those that have invaded her sacred body.

Chaucer and Langland both admired simple men of God and wanted to see churchmen return to that. I think that, because their satire was written not only with spite (like too much of the satire today) but with a real love for the mystical body that they were criticizing, it was far more effective in its goal. So my thought for today is: we see a priest shortage today, as well as scandal within the clergy (which is certainly nothing new). Why are the people who /hate/ the Church the only ones standing up and calling attention to it? I don't think that we can entrust God's words of chastisement to pagans who would laugh at any downfall of the Bride of Christ. The Church and those who love her need to start examining the situation and applying rebuke where necessary.

I do not mean that we have been lacking in the area of general apologies given and sins acknowledged (though perhaps long after the fact). What I mean is that the Church hierarchy, in their concern to avoid scandal, did not properly distance itself from the sins committed. We all ended up looking like the protectors of the wolves rather than protectors of the sheep. There are many possible ways that the Church could have taken a stronger stance, rather than merely a reactionary/apologetic role, and I really don't know if a public flogging would have worked better than a simple excommunication. All I know is that in an attempt to preserve the solidarity of Catholics against the pointing fingers of the heathens, we ended up in solidarity with the wicked.

Some say that it is a good thing that there was so much attention on the scandals in the clergy, because it spurred us on and cleansed the House of God. That may be true in part, but I cannot imagine that the poisonous gossip of scoffers is what is needed ultimately. Far too many of us are either ready to sit back and let them do the job, or else we are too defensive in our rejection of their criticism. The Church needs a renewal of its devotion to the Cardinal virtues, and the tongues to administer those life-giving waters are not the wicked tongues of blasphemers and gossipers but a tongue that loves as it chastises, drawing all of its words from the humble Eucharist that it receives.

New Jersey Update: Tuesday

2006-03-14T19:42:00.000-08:00

I am pretty beat and feel like sleeping, but I told my lil' sis (who I have no assurance is actually /reading/ this) that I would update pretty much daily, and today was a "big day".

First off: it was Mark Spencer's birthday. He isn't doing anything on the Webs except email during Lent, but if you feel like it you can send him an email wishing him a Happy Jerkday. He probably won't check it until after break though. He's weird like that. So it is also Pi Day, Albert Einstein's Birthday and Charlotte Spencer's Birthday. An auspicious date all around.Secondly: we went into "the City" and walked around today. I had seen some of the stuff already when my family went to New York for a few days (or was it a week?), but it was still nice to see it again. We mostly walked around looking at buildings. We visited a Salvation Army that was purported to be three stories tall, but it was the wrong one (and actually smaller than our Salvation Army in Ace-Deuce). So, no Reez, I didn't buy you a dress... :(

We had lunch at this "authentic" pizza place that Claire had raved about. The pizza was very good, but I am not convinced to spurn either Cottage Inn or Anthony's. The best part was that the cheese actually tasted like mozzarella cheese, rather than the vague "pizza cheese" that most places have. For dinner we simply grabbed McDonald's since we were short on time.We had a nice little break in Central Park. We just found a large rock to lounge on for a while and just rest. It was a moderately warm but very windy day, my favorite type of weather ever! So that was a lot of fun. We then checked out the Guggenheim museum and decided that $15 was a bit steep for admissions.

Last of all, we saw Phantom of the Opera on Broadway. It was pretty aight! Mark and I especially dissected it a bit afterwards and detailed pros and cons of the performance. We all agreed that it was a very good show, but that (at least Mark and I agreed) Les Miserables is a superior work in all categories. The most interesting part was comparing the movie (which we had all already seen) with the stage-performance. Each medium had its own definite strengths. There were certain parts that were done better because of film's advantages, but the last half of the play, and especially the ending, were /much/ better in the play. The one part that possibly disappointed me was some discrepancy in the lyrics. I grew up listening to two CD's: Les Miserables and Phantom. I know Phantom's songs pretty darn well, and there were lyrics that were different in this performance, never for the better in my opinion. It could be that I'm just bad with change. I have accused myself of that in the past.

So that's that, I guess. I am doing very well, and looking forward to sleeping soon. I have been mulling over several issues that may deserve a post once they have finished percolating.

Hesychia,
-L

New Jersey Update: Monday

2006-03-13T19:15:00.000-08:00

Now ends the first week-day in New Jersey (I am too tired to count what day of vacation it is). Tomorrow we go explore "the City" and see Phantom, etc.

Today we went to the Bronx Zoo. It was pretty tight. A few of the cool animals were not there due to "cold weather" (it was 64F), but that just meant that we could take our time looking at the other ones. Some of the monkeys were hilarious, and the Black Panthers (proper-noun intended) were just too cool for such as the schools. I have to say though that the best part was this little video of tigers swimming that they played in the tiger-section. It had this one part where this tiger backs reluctantly into a pool, testing the water with his toe then slowly easing his way in. It was /frickadiculous/! After he finally sat down in the pond, you could only see his head above the water. He just started lapping the water with his tongue, then got the most ludicrous look on his face just before the cut! That probably made my day.I'm not sure why I love animals so much. They all just make me laugh. My household brothers just don't understand why pictures such as this send me into convulsions, and I'm not really sure either. It's just this vague impression that God made animals as this huge joke. They all walk around, looking so serious, but at the same time I get the distinct impression that they have absolutely no idea what they're doing! So suffice to say that I had fun today, and got myself completely worn out. I sort of miss my dog.

Apparently my little sister is probably going to live in Thomas More next year, because her potential room-mate wants to live there. On the one hand, I love Marian and know more about the Marian households, so it makes me a little sad that she's going to be all the way across the campus instead of two seconds away. On the other hand, I can see her fitting into TM pretty well too, what with the general jockiness that seems to exist there. Whatever, I'm still just "geeked" that she's coming here (there?).

Hesychia,
-L

New Jersey Update: Sunday

2006-03-12T20:30:00.000-08:00

So this is my second update from the hallowed halls of the Gilligan residence in (roughly) Woodbridge, NJ.

We went to Mass this morning at around 10AM. It was very nice. The church was pretty enough, if slightly modern. I think that I enjoyed the music the most. It isn't that often that I get to hear organs played (and they rock pretty solidly when played well, as evidenced by the Mates of State) so it's generally a treat to hear some. They played some pretty decent hymns as well. The homily was entertaining (though right now my brain is too addled to remember what it was about). After Mass we met some of Claire's choir friends. Then Mark and I analyzed the architecture and statues in the church. We also found a wonderful painting of Palm Sunday and spent a good few minutes analyzing that. Then we met Claire's priest, who was fun to talk to for a few minutes (not that he became boring thereafter, but that we left after a few minutes).

Once we got back to the house, we went through the already established ritual of analyzing the comics page, which we had also done the previous day. It is a lot of fun because they have literally twice as many comics in New Jersey as we do in Michigan. It is fun to work one's way through the metaphors, social commentary, pacing and punchlines. And to point out which ones just stink. :)

The day was spent socializing/playing many games with Claire's extended family and friends who came over to her house for lunch. It was a lot of fun. I actually managed somehow to keep myself from going into "turtle mode" (mostly by not saying a word for the first half of the day), and Mark and I had quite a good time with a certain "Chris", with whom we could conduct ourselves sarcastically and speak about all sorts of philosophy and theology. I was not at all shocked later to find out that he enjoys a good cigar every now and again.

We had some pretty sweet pizza for dinner (my half was garlic: God's own seasoning!). After dinner, we watched "Garden State", which I had told them that they needed to see. It definitely got me in the same old mood it does every time I watch it, which is a good thing. And Mark said he liked it. So, hi-fives all around in that regard.

Day-summary ended, and now for the stream-of-consciousness, gosh-I-need-to-go-to-bed "thought of the day":
I was thinking a good deal when kneeling during Mass. This was due in part to the fact that I was kneeling on the stone floor (having gotten that part of the pew that is not kneelered). But I was thinking about our various body-postures during the course of the Mass. As human persons, we are both body and soul, and I believe that many truely "human acts" (so to speak) requires the use (or perhaps expression through) both. For the most part, this is simple to see in the Mass. When we sit, we are contemplating quietly or sitting attentively listening to God's word proclaimed. When we stand, we are in a position of praise and respect, also demonstrating our readiness to actively go and preach the good news. When I was kneeling, however, I had one of those fun moments where you suddenly see a certain action as if it were the first time, and I was struck by the nature of what we mean when we kneel. Kneeling in front of a man means one thing: making yourself less than him. Because we are both body and soul, we often express ourselves bodily to each other, even unconsciously. Kneeling means humbly making yourself less than someone simply by the fact that you have made yourself physically shorter, to symbolize the act of putting their will above your own simply by magnifying their height. I think that's why men kneel when the propose to a woman, or pledge allegiance to a king or ask forgiveness for a great offense. It is an extremely /human/ act, especially when done while "present to yourself", or "standing at your center", or "with lateral self-presence", or any of those other great Dr. Harold terms.

The thing is, as St. Anselm said, the closest that we can get to understanding the Incarnation and Passion of Christ is trying to imagine ourselves dying by crucifixion to save a rather small colony of ants. The only catch is: there is infinitely more innate distance between the nature of uncreated God and created Man than there is between created Man and created Ant. We are so very small in our nature, compared to his. If we truly see ourselves, then we are humbled in the presence of His magnitude. But still we perform this very human act of kneeling. We cannot, though the whole human race might pour its blood out as an offering, increase the stature of God one millimeter. But by making ourselves that much shorter in His presence, we magnify Him and His will to the best of our ability. In this very human act, we humble ourselves before our Creator, acknowledging Him as the supreme and uncreated Lord of our lives, and realize how very small we are in His presence: everything that we are, dust and ashes.

In New Jersey

2006-03-11T13:29:00.000-08:00

So I guess I'm in New Jersey now. It was a swift ride with a Massachusets driver (read: at least 80mph the whole way), so it only took 7 hours counting dinner. Don't worry, Mom, he was also a very safe driver in an excellent car and we were never even mildly /near/ a crash. Well, we did pass by a car that was billowing flames and smoke, but that wasn't even as a result of a crash. And everyone seemed to be aight.

The week we have lined up ahead of us looks fun. We went to the local abortuary this morning and protested/prayed a few rosaries. It was closed, but we got about 10 times more affirmative honk-by's as we would have in Ann Arbor. All in all, it was a lot of fun to stand around and pray, then chat with Claire's old-person prolife friends. Apparently we're going to the Zoo sometime this week, which should be a blast. I love zoos and haven't been to one in years! I hope that my memories of zoos are not inaccurately awesome...

Susanna and Claire are shopping right now (they have been all afternoon) for... heck, I don't know what they're shopping for. I think they're getting Mark something for his birthday though (which is Chewsday), in addition to whatever expensive jewelry they see. After dinner I think we're all going to adoration, then we were going to potentially hang out with any of Claire's friends who are available. We were also going to watch some movie with her 11-year-old sister (I had the /hardest/ time thinking of any movies I like that are appropriate for that age-group), then watch Garden State once she went to bed. I don't think that any of the rest of them have experienced the awesomeness of that movie yet, and seeing as we are /in/ the Garden State (though I am informed that it is being renamed) I figured 'What better time? What better place?'

Hesychia,
-L

Excuses, excuses...

2006-03-08T11:21:00.000-08:00

So. I have been saying for about a week now that I would write another post based on some "intellectual-type" thoughts I've been having. I know that my one Reader (JAGryniewicz) has been expecting it, as well as MKSpencer (who is out of the "internet-game" for Lent). Just to crush your anticipation: this is not that post. I have been mulling over the ideas that I want to write about (my thought-processes are a complete topic for another time) and have come to the conclusion that I probably need three posts to sum it up. Or at least to divide it into manageable chunks so I don't get overwhelmed and think, "Eh, I'll do it later." So part one was supposed to be written this morning. /This/ post is explaining why it wasn't.

So I sat down at my computer this morning shortly after waking up and figured, "Hey, why not check up on Websnark, just to get the intellectual gears greased." I then spent the rest of the morning on Websnark, reading the thriving debate on the nature of literary criticism. All in all, a stellar read, if slightly anti-climatic due to its nature as a comments section.The other reason that I was camping out Websnark was so see if Eric Burns would post on the latest Achewood. Now, if he did another post on the current plotline, that would make three posts (between him and Weds) on this storyline alone! But hey, LJBH, Chris Onstad is doing a great job! He deserves three snarks and a "tasty, tasty biscuit"! By this point, however, I realized that Eric was busy with his crusade against jargonized academia in the comments section and likely wouldn't snark the latest Achewood. I also realized that I only wanted him to snark it to confirm the excitement that I was already feeling regarding this latest twist. Y'know, the whole "misery loves company" thing, except it's "webcomic geek-outage loves company". So I figured that I would just write down what I thought anyways. I've already tried to hook Ms. Ghilly-gan on the wonders of Chris Onstad's world, but I doubt she's read it. So this will have to serve as an example of the lambasted "writing for the sake of hearing yourself talk". On to the show.When I first was linked to Achewood, I read one or two strips and grew bored. At some point later, probably via Websnark, I decided to give it the benefit of a trawl. The feeling that followed can only be described as love. Chris Onstad's world is so quirky and often funny, yet the tragedy and pointlessness of life is directly in the forefront. The strip started out somewhat unfocused, relying mainly on non-sequitors for humor. As soon as the first major plot-arcs started hitting, however, two main characters emerged. Roast Beef Kazanzakis, the kind of cat who speaks in mainly small fonts. He owns a million T-shirts with slogans like "Who sucks? (Me, I do)" but would never wear them in public. His best friend, Ray Smuckles, is the cat who wears a golden medallion that belonged to the Inca god of fun. Ray is the cat who sold his soul to gain amazing piano skills, then used them only to get rich enough that he'd never have to work again. Now that he can just sit back and drink his days away, he no longer "tickles the ivories". Roast Beef is the kind of cat who had to die and go to Heaven before he found love. He's the kind of cat who went to Hell to save Ray from his own mistakes. He has consistently been the guy who's got his best friend's back, no matter how much stupid trouble Ray gets himself in.

So when the latest plot-arc, "The Great Outdoor Fight" started, we all went nuts. Roast Beef was no longer only going to watch! He was going to enter the fight, so that he could advise Ray on how to win, from the inside. Beef would be there to pull Ray's guts out of the fire again, and help him to win the competition. Ray would win, sure, but we know him. His victory would be nothing more than another conquest in a series of meaningless conquests. He has never had to fight for anything he wanted. Ray has always had so much that anything he has given has been from his excess. We all knew that Beef was there to support and coach Ray, not to win the fight for himself. We all knew that Beef and Ray would have to face off at some point. We all knew that Beef deserved to win that fight more than Ray, ancestry or no. We knew the lesson that Ray would have to learn about friendship, and were genuinely excited to see his character develop.Weds puts it the best in her initial snark on the plot:

"So, Beef is taking Ray to destiny. Beef is telling Ray how to do this thing. But there will come a time on the third day when all this has to come apart, and Ray does not learn well. Ray forgets the lessons that his shadow hands him. The son of Rodney Leonard Stubbs is a coward who would desert a dying man. God only knows if that coward can fight his best friend."
We all knew what it would come down to. In Eric's masterpiece on the plot he took a different spin:

"That's what it will all come down to. Only I'm beginning to think that the cowardly act would be to abandon Beef on the battlefield -- to abandon a friend that Ray was once willing to give a lung to. Whose blood will be on the Son of Rodney's hands at the end of the Great Outdoor Fight?"
He took a different spin on it than Weds, but it was the same concept. We all knew the lesson in friendship that Ray would have to learn or fail at come the Third Day. Then, today we learn that Beef has been KO'ed while Ray was in his drunken nap. Beef is out of the fight!

Chris Onstad has quickly turned our expectations on their head and left us guessing. We no longer know exactly what lesson Ray must learn at the end of this, nor even is Beef is alive or in Heaven (for the third time... or is it fourth?). That makes it all the more exciting to see. Like Jeph Jaques' latest arc, this story will probably prove to be a definitive moment in the entire plot. And, also like Jeph, Chris Onstad is a man who knows how to craft an exciting plot and keep us all coming back for more. Sometimes in the world of webcomics criticism, we can start to think that we know the mind of the author better than they do. This is exactly the kind of hubris that Eric has been ranting about in his latest post, and some of those authors take it upon themselves to turn our expectations on their heads

.All I can say is: I'm geeked.

Midterms

2006-03-07T16:01:00.000-08:00

This semester, so far, has been an auspicious one academically speaking.

First off: out of nowhere, I suddenly got the motivation to start doing my Honors reading! (It was actually probably from being called out on not re-reading the Song of Roland) I am still not doing the reading for /all/ of my classes, but it is generally not necessary. I must say though, as satisfying as it has been to just BS my way through Honors without reading for about the past year, it is also very intellectually satisfying, and even enjoyable, to know what the person actually said and to hold an educated opinion on it.

Secondly: I studied (approx 30-60min) for my Logic midterm and aced it.Thirdly: I studied (15-30min?) for my Epistomology midterm and aced it.

Fourthly: I studied (approx 90min) for my Mariology midterm and, with the redemptive grace merited by Christ and through the intercession of His mother, proceeded to kick it firmly in the teeth. It is now, of course, only 7 minutes since I finished the exam, but I believe that I gave each of the essays the best answer that I could, and potentially the best answer that /could/ be given. So, while I have not yet received the grade, I am pretty confidant that I did well! I went in there feeling heck of stressed and unprepared, so this is quite a weight lifted. LJBH, I feel pretty straight-up euphoric."

And that's all I have to say about that..."

It's Been a While

2006-03-03T21:20:00.000-08:00

I think I have enough for a couple of posts right now... I may have to just leave most of it until tomorrow. Actually, it's jinxing myself to specify a day. So I will leave it until the ultra-ambiguous "later".

I pretty much woke up in noise-overload today. You know, that mood I get where I feel like I've been around people/noise too much and just want to curl up inside. Maybe you don't know... it's an introvert thing. But anyways... I'm not sure how much of the day I actually spent alone, but by dinner I was rocking back and forth, which is a habit that I had mostly lost. I pretty much wanted to spend this evening alone, but I ended up watching the first half of Braveheart with some kids anyways. I left half-way through because I just didn't feel like being around a lot of people, and I got some news that a brother was having a hard day.

(Fast forward: the previous section was written approx. 12:30AM. Everything after here is written after several hours spent being with a brother in need. Post resumes starting at 3:16AM)

So yeah. I've been thinking a lot recently. I think /very/ slowly and it generally takes me at least twice as long to come to conclusions as other people just because I have an innate tendency against closing off an issue. I always need to "keep the file open in case more evidence shows up", or something. As a result, often when I have to make a decision I'm likely to move slowly and methodically, waiting until I'm sure before I start to act. Sometimes this factors into God's plans better than others. There are many times when He just says "Jump" and I know that I have to, then spend a while afterward figuring out why.

All I knew when I broke up with her was that this relationship just wasn't the right thing, that she wasn't "the One". I had no idea why, though I had vague theories. Just like when God told me not to go to Oestereich, I had no real idea why but several vague theories. God said "You've been mulling this over for long enough, I told you a week ago for sure that it wasn't right and you've still taken a week to 'discern' that. Jump." And I did! It was heck of awkward, but I always knew it was the right thing to do. However, every week that we have spent apart since has lent new perspective to the situation. I see now why/where we were not compatible in several key areas, mainly centering on the fact that we never really /clicked/. It started out pretty forced, all well and good, but it never entirely moved on from "I'm in this relationship because hey, she's a good person and I'm a good person and maybe we can make something work!" In the end it just stayed a case of two good people on two different pages. I realize now how vital it is to me to have someone that I can talk to. I don't just mean in terms of "inner-deepies". I mean, I told her all/most of the stuff that you only tell that "special someone". It isn't really that hard for me to open up to people, unless they're immature. What I mean is someone who draws me out of myself in conversation, and we just never really had enough in common for that to work out.I told myself initially that just because she wasn't /really/ into literature or philosophical discussion was no reason why a relationship couldn't work out. And I'm sure that's correct in many cases. I certainly don't want to be some prick who only dates a girl if she's "on his level of intellect". However, one of the things that I've discovered about myself through this is that I need someone that I can just sit down with and have a long, purely hypothetical discussion about anything from life-perspective to insignificant philosophical points. And I need her to be able to match me, point for point. Heck, it would be great if she could beat the pants off of me! It's not even that we couldn't talk about life-perspective or important issues in personality or our relationship. In those scenarios, she certainly held her ground and we never found any issue that we couldn't talk through. It's just that so much of how I /think/ and relate to people is bound up in these casual sorts of conversations that having a disinterested party, or even an amused but purely spectator-role person just... I don't know. It just doesn't fit. There's a whole part of me there that is neglected or simply channeled onto my guy-friends (who could certainly never be /replaced/ by a woman, but also could never legally marry me).

So I guess that this is part of what being in a relationship is about. Learning about yourself, I mean. Tonight, I told him: "Look, if you can say that you are in a better place now than you were when you started the relationship, then maybe the whole thing was worth it, even if it didn't last." He said he wasn't so sure if it was all that much better now than it was. I told him, "Give it a week or two. You just need some perspective."

Two down, two to go!

2005-12-10T12:50:00.000-08:00

The Ethics final is also over!

I'm not sure how well I did on it, but I'd expect hopefully at least a B, with the possibility of an A, if he buys my BS. I also got my paper back from him, marked: B+/B. When I asked him what that meant, he replied: "I couldn't decide which it was so I gave you both grades." So pretty much, I have no idea what I got on my paper.

I love Dr. Harold's tests though. For the mid-term and final he brings his coffee-pot and makes the entire class cups of coffee. They're really good too. So by that point in his tests I'm was running on two cups of coffee (and I don't drink /that/ much caffine) and it was really sweet. By the time I started the second essay, I hit the sweet spot. The whole world seemed great and everything was coo and I was so focused. I started to deviate from the course material to answer the question and just started making stuff up. Y'know, philosophizing. So yeah, it depends on how well he likes that whole thing. I was proud of it though. Man, I love caffine. That's why I don't drink much of it: so that when I do, I really buzz.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the dirty secret of Luke Hansen, Closet Dopefiend.

Another one bites the dust!

2005-12-10T06:21:00.000-08:00

One final down, three to go!

I would describe the experience like this: it was as if I combined with 45-minutes-to-an-hour of studying to form a giant robot who proceeded to kick that test right in the teeth!

PD-W won't know what hit her. She'll be all: OH GOSH WHERE DID THIS CHILD LEARN SUCH CORRECT DOGMATIC FORMULATIONS

Also: maybe I should finally start studying for my Ethics final. It is starting in one hour. Let's make our magic, Mr. Study-Time! Giant Robot, GO!

A Brief Material Update

2005-11-04T20:22:00.000-08:00

I cut hair last night.

Dan Taibi was standing in the hallway and he was like "Hey Luke, do you know how to cut hair? I have some clippers." and I said, "Well, I've /had/ my hair cut plenty of times, it can't be that hard." So I cut his hair in the bathroom. It looks pretty alright, if I do say so myself! Layering and all!

So I guess I'm a barber or something now.

A Second Entry (One More Step Towards Continuity)

2005-11-04T19:47:00.000-08:00

Well, here is a second entry. This is a good sign towards possible continuity, though (admittedly) I am more making myself write this one than it flowing from any real angst. I think that most people who know me would admit that I'm not all /that/ angsty of a person. I did consider getting a "deadjournal" (if that site hasn't gone the way of "coolmail") purely for the "irony" style points, but I figured I'm not /that/ indie-rock.

I was talking the other night with Dan "Doodles" Taibi and Jake Crider as we smoked (pipes for them, a Cuban for me). We were talking about transcendence, its role in the Church and where the Western church in particular has lost some of it. Now, one of the Church's main functions is to be the sacrament of salvation to the world. Now, the word "sacrament" itself implies/requires transcendence. The material aspect of a sacrament must transcend its own reality to point to a spiritual reality that is taking place. However, the concept of salvation that this idea is referencing /needs/ transcendence to make sense. The salvation that the Church is meant to provide to the world cannot be a merely material salvation, such as salvation from oppressive government or even hunger. It is true that Christ himself said that we will be judged on what we do for "the least" of humanity, but a starving man who has been fed with bread that perishes but has not received the grace of salvation is still going to Hell. The very act of feeding the poor must be sacramental for the Church. It must contain not only physical bread but the super-substantial bread that is the person of Christ. Any political action that the Church takes against an oppressive government must not merely be a freeing of the body but also a freeing of the soul. It must be both a very real liberation from a physical oppression and the sweet freedom of Christ's yoke.

In the current focus of the Church, or at least of members of it, there can seem to be a focus on the physical. The Church must indeed feed poor Lazarus if it is able, but it is even more important that it teaches him to hope in Heaven when there is no food. There seems to be a certain assumption that if the mouth is fed, the soul will find Christ in that action. In fact, while perhaps a starving man may not have the presence of mind to receive the gospel, I find it difficult to believe that a man who has been fed merely with perishable bread will not simply set about seeking more dust and ashes to eat, rather than seeking the excellent bread of the Good News.

That issue aside, I think that the Church has lost a great deal of transcendence in its architecture and liturgy. Now, by "transcendence in the liturgy", do I mean "I can't understand it because it’s in Latin"? Certainly not. What I mean is a unity in the physical church building, the words said at the Mass and the spiritual reality taking place. It used to be that the towers of Churches would reach up to the heavens, signifying the yearning of God's people for His Kingdom. It used to be that statues and mosaics of the saints filled the Church, reminding us of the presence of the Church Triumphant, celebrating that eternal banquet with us. It used to be that vaults drew our eyes naturally upward to the glory of stained-glass windows, celebrating the light of God's grace shining into His Church.

Now we have the Mass in auditoriums and wonder where the sense of mystery has gone, and why so many teens are just plain bored in Mass. It would be better to say the Mass outside! Gods own creation will draw our attention to Him far better than works of Man that don't even /try/! The Church needs to start treating its buildings like the houses of God again, not because they are His exclusive (or even primary) dwelling on Earth, but rather because it draws our attention to God and to His Glory.

Anyways, now it is far too late for me to think coherently anymore, so I will end before I ramble. I may have more to say on this or similar topics at a later date, however. I hope that the above is not too uninformed or simplistic, I don't pretend to be in IAGryniewicz's league.

Hesychia.

The Auspicious First Entry

2005-10-28T20:16:00.000-07:00

I suppose I should explain myself. I did, I confess, swear many oaths never to get a Livejournal. However, in the interest of an experiment, I signed up for one here. I mean to make it not so much a daily account of my activities as a kind of free-form journal, just to get my thoughts out in writing. I haven't done much creative writing recently, so maybe this is the sort of outlet that will help get the juices flowing again. I'm not sure.

Where am I supposed to be in life right now? What am I supposed to be doing? I am so young, the world is full of excitement and possibilities. I could buy a ticket to Europe and fly there tomorrow. I could probably even buy two tickets! We are both so young.

So what business do I have doing what I am doing? What business do I have living how I am living? The fact is, no matter how young and free I may be, we may be, I am in school. That means responsibilities and that means commitment. To work, commitment to learning.After I graduate from this school, I will move on to graduate school. I'll need to have at least a Masters to support any kind of family, and I would love to support our family. But that means five years. Five years until I can consider marriage. So we return to my point: what business do I have doing what I am doing now? How can I be entering into a relationship -- heck, I "entered into" this relationship long ago, I mean continue this relationship -- when it is going in such a serious direction and when I am so unprepared to get serious right now? It is not that I have issues with commitment, not at all. I am just not free to commit myself right now, and won't be for another few years. It is not that I do not love you, I do. Maybe that is the problem.

When I talk about youth and possibilities, I am talking about you and me. When I talk about freedom, I am talking about the freedom that I do not have right now. So why does it seem like we are starting to pretend that I do? Why does it seem like we are starting to pretend that graduation -- itself still 2.5 years away -- does not only bring two years spent apart?

It's not that I'm not willing to wait. I've waited a while already and if I was going to leave you, I promise, I would have done it long ago. Still, I keep hearing my parents' advice: that these relationships are so high-intensity and are so hard to keep up for long periods of time. And then I start to wonder if we aren't getting too high-intensity far too soon. Do we need to spend time together every night? I know you enjoy it, and you know that I do too. But it only makes you resent your schoolwork more. Every time I hear you say that you just want to stop doing this whole school thing, I hear "run away with me". I feel you wanting that freedom, the same freedom that I want. But it is illusory. We can run, baby, but in the end we're all just Jonah.

So what do I say? Do I ask that we spend more time apart, become not quite so emotionally involved? Can you do that without breaking a girl's heart? Or even if I could, and you agreed, would that be enough? I guess we'd see. I know I'd far rather lose you on the docks of life -- as you board the ship to your own private Nineveh, and I go off to mine -- than lose you in the belly of that whale that would surely come.

I'm not sure what I should do, other than continue as usual. It wouldn't be the first time that I've wigged out without need. Sometimes all you can do is live in uncertainty, because God sure doesn't give you His plans in advance. And maybe that's why I have this journal now, because it is uncertain. Will I ever write in it again?

Like so many things in life right now: I'm not sure.