I pretty much woke up in noise-overload today. You know, that mood I get where I feel like I've been around people/noise too much and just want to curl up inside. Maybe you don't know... it's an introvert thing. But anyways... I'm not sure how much of the day I actually spent alone, but by dinner I was rocking back and forth, which is a habit that I had mostly lost. I pretty much wanted to spend this evening alone, but I ended up watching the first half of Braveheart with some kids anyways. I left half-way through because I just didn't feel like being around a lot of people, and I got some news that a brother was having a hard day.
(Fast forward: the previous section was written approx. 12:30AM. Everything after here is written after several hours spent being with a brother in need. Post resumes starting at 3:16AM)
So yeah. I've been thinking a lot recently. I think /very/ slowly and it generally takes me at least twice as long to come to conclusions as other people just because I have an innate tendency against closing off an issue. I always need to "keep the file open in case more evidence shows up", or something. As a result, often when I have to make a decision I'm likely to move slowly and methodically, waiting until I'm sure before I start to act. Sometimes this factors into God's plans better than others. There are many times when He just says "Jump" and I know that I have to, then spend a while afterward figuring out why.
All I knew when I broke up with her was that this relationship just wasn't the right thing, that she wasn't "the One". I had no idea why, though I had vague theories. Just like when God told me not to go to Oestereich, I had no real idea why but several vague theories. God said "You've been mulling this over for long enough, I told you a week ago for sure that it wasn't right and you've still taken a week to 'discern' that. Jump." And I did! It was heck of awkward, but I always knew it was the right thing to do. However, every week that we have spent apart since has lent new perspective to the situation. I see now why/where we were not compatible in several key areas, mainly centering on the fact that we never really /clicked/. It started out pretty forced, all well and good, but it never entirely moved on from "I'm in this relationship because hey, she's a good person and I'm a good person and maybe we can make something work!" In the end it just stayed a case of two good people on two different pages. I realize now how vital it is to me to have someone that I can talk to. I don't just mean in terms of "inner-deepies". I mean, I told her all/most of the stuff that you only tell that "special someone". It isn't really that hard for me to open up to people, unless they're immature. What I mean is someone who draws me out of myself in conversation, and we just never really had enough in common for that to work out.I told myself initially that just because she wasn't /really/ into literature or philosophical discussion was no reason why a relationship couldn't work out. And I'm sure that's correct in many cases. I certainly don't want to be some prick who only dates a girl if she's "on his level of intellect". However, one of the things that I've discovered about myself through this is that I need someone that I can just sit down with and have a long, purely hypothetical discussion about anything from life-perspective to insignificant philosophical points. And I need her to be able to match me, point for point. Heck, it would be great if she could beat the pants off of me! It's not even that we couldn't talk about life-perspective or important issues in personality or our relationship. In those scenarios, she certainly held her ground and we never found any issue that we couldn't talk through. It's just that so much of how I /think/ and relate to people is bound up in these casual sorts of conversations that having a disinterested party, or even an amused but purely spectator-role person just... I don't know. It just doesn't fit. There's a whole part of me there that is neglected or simply channeled onto my guy-friends (who could certainly never be /replaced/ by a woman, but also could never legally marry me).
So I guess that this is part of what being in a relationship is about. Learning about yourself, I mean. Tonight, I told him: "Look, if you can say that you are in a better place now than you were when you started the relationship, then maybe the whole thing was worth it, even if it didn't last." He said he wasn't so sure if it was all that much better now than it was. I told him, "Give it a week or two. You just need some perspective."
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