She's like a hot cloth on a fevered head, and like a needle she leads me (well I follow like thread)

So. I've been home sick the past day and a half with some sort of 12-hour flu. It was nothing /nearly/ as severe as Arconti's Revenge. I only threw up twice, and the rest of the time has been quite relaxing! I have spent my time:

1) Reading like a fiend. It is sad that I only read when I am sick these days, but generally my Honors reading tires me out and I don't feel like touching any books the whole school year. But yeah, I am generally much happier when I'm reading a lot of stuff that I like. I decided, in my illness, to re-read the Harry Potter books. I have gotten through the first three since 6PM last night (about 350-430 pages each). I plan to start the fourth one as soon as my Mom brings it home from the Library, and may finish it tonight. Reez and I saw the latest two movies this summer (which were actually quite enthralling! I had only seen the first), and I had been wanting to reread the books so I could read the latest one. Generally my interest in Harry Potter has not gone beyond getting Potterheads all worked up by suggesting that Harry and Hermione should totally be going out, but they really are quite amusing books. I stand with my statement that they are not "Great Books", but reading them in sequence has given me more respect for JK Rowling. I think that she may have actually planned the books out in advance, because I keep finding little things mentioned that don't come to fruition until several books later. Anyways.

2) Watching movies. I saw Henry VIII, which was /excellent/. Very long, but well written and superbly acted. I am not sure how historically accurate it is, but it certainly seemed like a very nuanced take on the subject. I also watched Howl's Moving Castle. Now, I am not the Miazaki fanatic that Mr. Hottburg is, but I did quite enjoy Princess Mononoke. Nausicca was a little "meh", but yeah. Anyways, Howl's Moving Castle was at /least/ as good as Princess Mononoke! I think the main part that I liked was that it was hilarious. I usually find the Japanese sense of humor to be very... foreign? But yeah. It has some hilarious characters, and was a light-hearted yet meaningful story.

3) Drinking stuff that makes my teeth feel gross. I have little areas of OCD paranoia, and my grill is definitely one of them. I don't generally like to drink pop or really sweet stuff, but alas... what can you do?So. Back to work again tomorrow, then it will be the weekend! I think Aaron will unfortunately be gone (I missed a movie night due to illness, alas) but perhaps I will chill at the condo with Bobby and Ed anyways. :) I need some society.

"And I need more grace than I thought..."

-L

"Jonah, where's that boat going - Your ship set with eager sails?"

Dear undeserving beloved: nothing that we have is our own. None of our virtue or righteousness is ours by nature, but rather by mercy and gift. How merciful is our Father, who has forgiven us far more numerous than 70x7 times! How great a salvation, that comes not once but every moment! How humble should we be, His children, meek in our borrowed strength as only gratefulness can make us?

My dear undeservingly blessed: every blessing in our life: faith, hope and foremost LOVE comes from God, and not our own strength. How great must the Spring of All Blessings be, to birth such powerful tributaries in our hearts? How great was the gulf between God and man that He bridged with His body? How great is His love and mercy that He fills our hearts with Love Incarnate, His very self?

Dear undeservingly holy children: we are untouchable. The Adversary may surround our lives with evil, but he can never place a single speck of blame on our souls unless we reject our Father in favor of sin. Our hearts, longing for God, may nearly break when they see perversion and wickedness around us, but rejoice! Your loving Father has made our sufferings fertile with grace gained, and has redeemed even the grave!

Dear undeserving saved: allow yourselves a moment to feel the full weight of your debt to your Savior, so that it may blossom into gratitude, humility and love. Then entrust your day, your future, your whole life, death and final joy to the loving, capable hands that have already been pierced to save your soul from destruction. This is something that I do not do nearly often enough.

"No use, fishermen, in rowing from a consecrated whale!"

-L

Revolution is just a word, loses more each time it's heard

So yeah. I got a cell-phone this past weekend. The phone (which is really nice) was free as part of my mom & sister's upgrade deal, and it was only $10 to add someone new onto the family plan so... we went for it! This means I am one of four people on a 700minute/month plan, so it is mainly for calling other Verizon phones or after 9PM or on weekends. That said, I would love to hear from anyone who cares to give it a ring. The number is on my Facebook account, if you want it. I am assuming that pretty much everyone who reads this (it occured to me the other day that I have /no/ idea who actually reads this anymore) is a Facebook friend of mine, so you can get it there. So yeah, give me a call so I can add your number or talk to you or something.

Yeah. So we buried my grandpa this past weekend. All of the aunts and my cousin Cate (as well as the little cousins Joel and Jake, who are pretty coo) came into town for the last half of the week (they usually come into town for the Art Fair, which was this weekend, anyways). It was a noisy blast having them around, as always. I have (pretty awesome/funny) pictures up on Facebook. The sad part is: I missed the Art Fair completely. The whole family went on Friday, and we buried Grandpa on Saturday so... yeah. I missed it. I'm sure I'll get over it eventually, but the Art Fair is always a blast to go to, so it's a shame it slipped by it.

But anyways: the ceremony that we did for the burial (the funeral Mass had already been said a few months ago) was really good. It began with a quotation from a guy named Fr. Bede Jarrett (at first I was excited because I thought it was Venerable Bede, but I guess not) that was probably the most profound thing that I've ever heard about death:

Death is only an HorizonWe give them back to you, O Lord,who first gave them to us;and as you did not lose them in the giving,so we do not lose them in the return.Not as the world gives do you give, O Lover of souls.For what is yours is ours also, if we belong to you.Life is unending because love is undying, and the boundaries of this life are but an horizon,and an horizon is but the limit of our vision.
That pretty much wowed me. I really liked that. So anyways, yeah. I'm not sure I have anything else to say, really. I'm sure I'm forgetting /something/. Oh well.

"Won't mean a thing until it hurts! (Is anyone out there?)"

-L

Urban Hipster, the new gangster, frontin' by the club...

So yeah. Something that I realized is that, when I write (and even when I talk, often) I have difficulty saying what I'm feeling if I have somehow classified my feelings as "invalid" in that situation. I dunno, like if a friend unknowingly does something that hurts me, and they ask how I am, I am likely to say that I'm fine, because I really "have no right to be hurt" in that situation. And it's not like I keep that feeling inside and let it turn into bitterness or anything, I just refuse to acknowledge it and move on. It's a little weird.

On the plus side, that often keeps me far more positive and optimistic than I might otherwise be. See, the things that I /know/ in life are all mostly hopeful: that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me, that I am a sinner saved by love, etc. whereas sometimes I can /feel/ like a situation is hopeless or that I'm alone or something. Because I /know/ that feeling isn't an accurate representation of reality, I simply don't express it and instead generally speak only what I know to be true. I don't know, it was something I just noticed recently. Especially because this poem, while it is a pretty trusting, positive poem, embodies about a week of difficulty with those very things. So, rather than expressing those doubts and insecurities, I instead just choose to express the love that I know God has for me. I don't know. Anyways, it's another Spenserian sonnet. I'll get it on the website whenever I next update. I want a better title for it anyways.

This One Truth (Removes All Doubt) -7/19/06

Your ways are not my ways, nor any thought

Of mine is measurable to ought You think

Yet often I forget, from mystery shrink

Forsaking this, the wisdom You have taught:

That Peter did not know the death he sought

When he first said he would Your chalice drink

He did not hesitate upon the brink

Of shrouded futures that you could have brought

Instead he placed his lips upon the rim

And drank in deep of passion, death and life

Which then unfolded, till a later year

Saw full fruition of that seed in him.

So I need not foreknow potentials rife,

Just know it's Love I drink, although obscure.

Anyways, thanks to all who left an encouraging note. I am really doing much better. I had another phone conversation last night that helped a whole lot. It wasn't even so much what we said, though some of that took a weight off of my heart, but... I dunno. She laughed. It's been almost six months since I heard that, and I wasn't sure I ever would hear it again. Yeah.

"New wave mannequins packin' haircuts, instead of packin' guns..."

-L

My conscience is vicious! (I'm walking on pins and needles) And I’m begging forgiveness!

So yeah. I have a new poem that I wrote yesterday. I will post it tomorrow. I just want to review it, because it was one of those kind of forced ones, and I'm not sure if it turned out well. It is categorized as a "God" poem.

Anyways, I have had a bit of a rough week. A lot of emotions, dealing with regret and associated feelings. It is all good though. Like I often say, "Loneliness is just God's reminder that I need to spend more time talking to Him." Yeah. I had an especially rough time last night very shortly before bedtime. So I called up Pinne and talked to him for a few hours. Thank God for that kid, or I wouldn't have been able to get to sleep at all. I felt a lot better after our talk though, and slept like a baby. (It being around 12:30AM could have something to do with that though) As a result though, I am pretty tired right now... having worked a full day on 5:30 hours of sleep. So I am going to bed early.

My aunts all (well, mostly all. There are a lot of them) arrived today. They will be staying for the weekend, going to the Art Fair and my grandpa's burial. They are always zany and fun to have around. Anyways, my eyes hurt and I need sleep. Goodnight, Moon.

"How did I ever let you go..."

-L

Someone has written on this stone, in some angry hand:

So, I saw Jake Krempel today. I know! He's like, from Florida! So here is how it went down: around 2-3PM I get this call from John Kazanjian (this guy from my church that I have worked for in the past, an awesome person) saying, "Hey Luke, I've got this friend of yours from Steubenville at my house. They said not to say who it was, but come on over!" And so I was like, "Alright, sure!" So of course, on the 30 second drive to his (amazing/beautiful/packed with children) house I am racking my brain to try to figure out who from Steubenville would be here and know John. Needless to say, the Lord of Glaxon was not top on my list of expectations. So I enter the house and hear music, go to the living room and find Jake on their big piano, with friends accompanying him. I'm like, "Hey dogg, what are you doing here?" Apparently he and his band know someone from Renewal Ministries (I worked for them for a year, my claim to Charismatic fame) who asked them to play music for a Renewal Ministries Bible Conference (or something) this weekend. So he and his Floridian Friends were up here for that, and got hooked up to the Kazanjian house for brunch or something. And of course things got to "Where do you go to school?" and "Oh! Do you know ?" So they called me over. So, yeah. It was awesome to see Jake again. We are not soul-mates or anything, but we have laid smackdown on each other several times. He is a pretty coo guy, and definitely one of my "children" (i.e. "in my smallgroup"). So that was the big event for today.

Also: I have a new love of my life. They are from Murfreesboro, TN. They go by the name of The Protomen and are, yes, a synth-rock (heavy on the rock) band that has dedicated their considerable talent to making a MegaMan rock opera. Yes, an MegaMan ROCK OPERA. Now, aside from the fact that my formative years were spent drawing MegaMan, playing MegaMan and watching MegaMan's TV show, their music is /amazing/. By far one of the most refreshingly different things I've heard in ages, so I won't even try to describe it. Their vocalist is awesome. I have found one live video of them (on YouTube, I will link it if you wish) and, while it is only a three-song set, it blows my socks off. The singer has /such/ stage presence, wearing a MegaMan helmet, belting it out at the top of his lungs while gesturing in a way that I can only say reminds me of Hilter. It gives me the tinglies. And, as great as a sort of ironic, campy MegaMan rock opera would be, these guys have decided to take it a different direction and produce an entirely serious piece dealing with the role of a Messiah to a people whose reaction to evil is generally apathy rather than courage. I cannot recommend this band enough. I have already ordered their CD through CDBaby and hopefully it will ship on Monday.http://www.protomen.com

Yes, I know I've been promising another contemplative/thoughtful entry for a while now, and it has been stewing. Unfortunately, all you will get tonight is this factual update/music rant. Now, I'ma go to bed.

"HOPE RIDES ALONE"

-L

Now I could make this obvious and you, you could deny me all in one breath...

Hey kids. Quick update. I don't have time to put this on the site yet, but I wanted to post it for my "readers". Hott off the presses, having just been finished five minutes ago. Well... three of the lines were written a couple weeks ago, but I kept putting its completion off until tonight. I just felt like finally getting it out of the way. It is submitted to you without comment, except that it is a non-rhyming 12 line poem. Two lines short of a perfect sonnet, but I decided to leave it that way rather than force it, and it contributes to the meaning in a way. It is written basically in a core of dactylic trimeter (including the title), with a few foots/syllables on the front and sometimes the end, just to round things off. Except the last line, which switches to anapests, largely because the last two lines were written as one big chunk of dactyl and just got split that way. So it still works out pretty smoothly as far as the rythym goes. Without further ado (I talk forever even on poems submitted "without comment", don't I?)

--A Phrase Too Familiar, Perhaps I Should Learn (Potentiality Pt. 5) -7/12/06

So did you my dearest, my friend of a friend,

Ever find fearing so fruitless as when

We both try to see past our noses again?

For you are uncertain, unspoiled and unready

And I am the boy who was "twice burned, thrice shy"

Who dreads disillusionment found in your eyes.

When no one's as different as, at first, they seem:

With, "How did I, how could I fall for a dream?"

Well I spent those weeks without sleeping!

A sunrise, a sunset, a tearless set-sail

When all I can say is, "Alright" and, "Okay"

And, "I guess now I know what to look for".

Feel free to leave any comments you have. I love them as ever. Also: I took a bit of a vacation today. It was a lot of fun, and I will write about it tomorrow. I have so many different topics to write about, and I feel bad doing two posts in a day, so they kind of pile up. In closing: I have a live version of today's "Song of the Day" that has quickly become one of my favorite songs ever. Original line-up of Taking Back Sunday + awesome song = **shivers**

"Just forget me, it's that simple..."

-L

These could be days like Lamech, Methuselah...

So yeah. Second day home all alone. It has become increasingly impressed on me that I don't keep a very regular eating schedule when I'm alone/nothing is interferring. Not that I don't eat 3 meals a day, it just struck me at about 9:30PM that I should probably make some dinner. So I made the same thing I had last night: eggs, potatoes, onions and turkey with Swiss cheese and mustard all in a wheat-wrap. It was pretty decent, again. Certainly filling, which is about all I need. The kitchen now has two days worth of dishes in it. I will clean it tomorrow after work (crossed-fingers).

So today I officially won Survivor: TRW Factory! At the last break of the day, Larry went around and talked to three of the employees (everyone but me, Randy and Barb) and just told them that we didn't really need them anymore, so this was their last day. He never /told/ me that I won, or handed me a trophy or anything. He just /didn't/ give me that talk. Oh, and on the way out when I said goodbye, he said, "See you tomorrow, Luke." pretty pointedly, just in case I had assumed I was included in the firees. So yeah! I am employed through the rest of the summer! Today was the day of the favor of the Lord, it was the day of the vengeance of our God. (Na na na na, na na na na...)

God is so faithful that it blows my mind. He permits us to stray from His path fairly often (exactly as often as we choose to, in fact) simply to remind us that no matter /how/ many times we deny Him for something passing, He will never leave us! It is amazing, and you can see it both in the little and the big things. While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. While I deserve Hell, the loving Father gave me a sweet job for the rest of the summer, just to prove how closely He is watching over me. Not that my awareness of these truths won't fade and even be conveniantly forgotten at times so that I can "chase after the wind"... but every time I come back, it is a little more humbly. As a child, realizing my utter dependance on Divine Mercy. Pride, in a way, is the root of all sin, and few things will kill your conscience quicker. I am not someone who thinks of himself as prideful, but I praise the Lord for every opportunity that He gives me to humble myself before Him. I do not deserve the chance.

"Boys after girls, and the girls after the boys..."

-L

Revolutionary minds never know to draw the line: running out, running out...

So. The first full day of being home alone! So far so good. Last night for dinner I had a small piece of left-over steak and some breakfast sausage. With mustard and horseradish. Now, I have noticed, within the course of this summer, a new and strange obsession creeping into my tastes: condiments. Which is strange, seeing as for my entire childhood I was a "ketchup only" kid. But within the past year I have begun very much enjoying various mustards and horseradish. Strangely enough, according to Wikipedia, those two are in the same genus! Now if only we can find some connexion between that genus and Cillian Murphy/toasters, we might get some insight into whether there is a pattern to these fixations. So, lest this become "Luke's Fixations Theatre" or "The Things Luke Likes Report", I will simply say: I have a growing affection for/interest in condiments.

Last night the kids held a birthday party for me at Aaron's condo. It was a blast. We pulled out their new hookah (Gilbert) and smoked some mint leaves, which was quite pleasant. Very different from good old tobacco, but (as Aaron said) "Like brushing your lungs". So yeah, pretty soon on in the party I had some of the nicotine in me, which put me in a giggly/giddy mood. Which can be a lot of fun. I was worried for most of the day that I would be in "noise-overload" for the party and just sit there the whole time, which would have stunk for just about everyone.Another highlight of the evening/weekend/summer came later. When Tina had to leave, she had a bunch of stuff to take with her (including the remains of a delicious cake) so I helped her carry it all out to the car. And on the way there, we just kind of started talking, and didn't stop for what must have been at least an hour. It was really good to talk to her again, seeing as we hadn't had a substantial conversation in probably at /least/ a year. So that was a blessing. She is going to call me later this week and we will hang out or do something. "Good times".

Then this morning, Joe and I went to the "Trid Mass" at St. Josephat in D-troit. It was my first Trid Mass ever, so I wasn't sure what I was going to think about it. I'll be blunt, it was pretty frickadiculous (double-plus good). You couldn't hear the priest at /all/ most of the time, unfortunately, so it was a bit hard to follow along, but the whole time was a very powerful experience of peace and grace for me. I'm not sure I'm never going to go to CTK again or anything, but I definitely like the Old Skool I guess.

"Running out like a fire so sweet..."

-L

You said it makes you want to fall in love, or be smart enough to keep your distance...

So.. it was my birthday today and, lemme say: your number of Facebook wall-posts /doubles/ on your birthday. Like, the total number. It doubles. Which was fun, because most of those people wouldn't take the time to actually send you a card (it's okay, I'm lazy too) but you still get the fuzzies. Anyways. So this is my "what I did on my birthday" update, just to get that out of the way.

First off: birthdays are always a bit weird for me. Like, I just don't feel any older. It feels like, "Man, this is just another day, why is everybody making such a big deal out of it? That's kind of strange..." So yeah. I went to work today. Work was just pretty normal. None of them knew it was my birthday because, hey... it would be kind of strange to just bring it up. At that point, you're fishing for well-wishes.

At work, however, I got THE BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT EVER. One of the guys I work with (who is definitely "in the know" as far as the boss is concerned) took me aside and told me that after Monday, they're letting everyone but me, him and one other person go. And the three of us are staying on definitely past when I'm leaving for school. So: I have a job through the end of the summer! Praise the Lord. I always come home for the summer thinking that I'm going to be stuck with a crap job/no job (which is better, who knows?) but God always pulls something great and completely unexpected for me!

After work, I went home, and discovered that not /only/ had my Russian, mechanical 24-hour dial analog watch arrived in the mail (I may put up Facebook pictures soon, it is awesome), but I had also gotten a few checks in the mail. That meant that I was able to deposit them today and have enough to write the check for next semester's tuition /and/ enough to cover the wedding next weekend. One more semester (hopefully /year/) without debt! Here's hoping I can make it to grad school debt free.

On the whole check note: yesterday, I was looking for my check-book to pay for something, and I couldn't find it. Now, it could only ever be in /one/ place. I take it out of that place, write and check, and put it directly back. But it wasn't there! So I was wigging out. I searched the whole house several times today, because the tuition check is due by next Friday. Just as things were starting to get /really/ intense, my mom pulled it out of the /very/ pocket of my file-folder that I keep it in! I had checked that pocket THREE times! Sometimes you just need an extra pair of eyes, I guess. So that was a plus.

After that, I went to Mass, which was celebrated by a really coo priest that I had never seen before. So Mass was really good, then afterwards I went to the Adoration Chapel and prayed a Divine Mercy Chaplet, per usual. That prayer gives me so much peace when I need it.

Dinner was "fillet mignon". Very tasty. Dad and I tried to get into the new Pirates of the Carribean movie, but they were sold out for the next two shows, so we rented "Downfall" and watched that instead. A 2.5-hour German film about the final days of the Third Reich, holed up in a bunker with the Russians closing in. It was very good.

Tomorrow, my parents leave to go up North for a week. My little sister is already in Austria for her band trip (also for a week). And so, for the space of... a week, I will be home alone. Here's hoping for good times. Tomorrow night at "the Condo" should be a blast, I am looking forward to that. There is a bunch of stuff that I haven't written about, but I will refrain from bombarding you all with it. Hopefully this weekend/week, having some time alone will help me to discipline myself and write a bit more, so you all can see a return of the quality/"stuff" that you are accustomed to.

One other cool thing that I got (I just have to mention this) was a 2GB USB drive from my dad. He rightly assumed that that would be an awesome thing to have.

"You can't decide, you can't decide!"

-L

My body's tight, my soul's excited and I wish that I was gifted...

So, yeah. I finally wrote some more, and updated the webpage. Just to give you all some insight into exactly how much I procrastinate writing: I wrote down the title, last line and basic outline of this poem on June 22nd. Then, finally, last night I lay down on my bed at 3AM and took an hour to actually put it on paper. Now, I do think that things turn out a bit more fulfillingly when they have some time to percolate/ferment, but why do they find the most inconveniant hours to finally come spilling out?

So this one is a proper Spenserian sonnet. It is a companion piece to "Upon the Occasion" (hence the title), which may also be found in the "Life" section of the site. Both of them are inspired by this kid that I barely knew who died from cancer when he was around 14. Coming to terms with early death at different stages in my life, I guess. It sounds more morbid than it is, perhaps.Woohoo, four-day weekend for July 4th. Most of the time I have been kind of bored, actually. But I still have a day and a half left, hopefully fun times will roll. Tomorrow night we are going to see the Capital Steps.

Upon Revisitation (An Afterward, an Elegy) -7/03/06

The mourners all like wedding guests process

The aisle and take their seats to start the rote,

And you are there in black: your finest coat,

Though vestal white would be your right to dress.

But here we have no wisdom to impress

A soul who thus has overleaped the moat

That sep’rate keeps the pilgrim, sheep and goat,

Our spirits yet too weak to dare transgress.

So many mourn, and fear the course you ran.

They count untested mettle as a boon,

Though you, above them all, have braved the tomb.

So young, so young, so young to be a man!

So glorious your wings, to fly so soon!

Magnificent your seed, so young to bloom!

"My body's tight, my soul's excited and I wish I had some spunk..."

-L