Urban Hipster, the new gangster, frontin' by the club...

So yeah. Something that I realized is that, when I write (and even when I talk, often) I have difficulty saying what I'm feeling if I have somehow classified my feelings as "invalid" in that situation. I dunno, like if a friend unknowingly does something that hurts me, and they ask how I am, I am likely to say that I'm fine, because I really "have no right to be hurt" in that situation. And it's not like I keep that feeling inside and let it turn into bitterness or anything, I just refuse to acknowledge it and move on. It's a little weird.

On the plus side, that often keeps me far more positive and optimistic than I might otherwise be. See, the things that I /know/ in life are all mostly hopeful: that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me, that I am a sinner saved by love, etc. whereas sometimes I can /feel/ like a situation is hopeless or that I'm alone or something. Because I /know/ that feeling isn't an accurate representation of reality, I simply don't express it and instead generally speak only what I know to be true. I don't know, it was something I just noticed recently. Especially because this poem, while it is a pretty trusting, positive poem, embodies about a week of difficulty with those very things. So, rather than expressing those doubts and insecurities, I instead just choose to express the love that I know God has for me. I don't know. Anyways, it's another Spenserian sonnet. I'll get it on the website whenever I next update. I want a better title for it anyways.

This One Truth (Removes All Doubt) -7/19/06

Your ways are not my ways, nor any thought

Of mine is measurable to ought You think

Yet often I forget, from mystery shrink

Forsaking this, the wisdom You have taught:

That Peter did not know the death he sought

When he first said he would Your chalice drink

He did not hesitate upon the brink

Of shrouded futures that you could have brought

Instead he placed his lips upon the rim

And drank in deep of passion, death and life

Which then unfolded, till a later year

Saw full fruition of that seed in him.

So I need not foreknow potentials rife,

Just know it's Love I drink, although obscure.

Anyways, thanks to all who left an encouraging note. I am really doing much better. I had another phone conversation last night that helped a whole lot. It wasn't even so much what we said, though some of that took a weight off of my heart, but... I dunno. She laughed. It's been almost six months since I heard that, and I wasn't sure I ever would hear it again. Yeah.

"New wave mannequins packin' haircuts, instead of packin' guns..."

-L