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Moving On (Doesn’t Always Involve Closure) -5/20/05

Life’s not so much a tapestry as skein,
For surely it’s not finished, plain to see,
Nor predetermined in its wax and wane:
Its growth is not like that of seed to tree.

But we, the crawling, blind and bestial twine,
With searching tendrils form the world as such;
Attempt to tie a knot with any line
That we encounter with our trembling touch.

Alas, the knot most often doesn’t hold.
So, moving on, we leave a tangled part
And try another knot that fails when pulled,
Each failed attempt a tangle in our heart.

We need the shuttle’s touch to wipe our past,
And Weaver’s steady hands to tie us fast.

That was written a while ago, about a completely different situation, but still I find it very relevant to where I am now. I was talking with Thomas online. He said, "Luke, I just want to see you happy." I said, "Thomas, I /am/ happy." What makes me happy is doing God's will, and I am certain that, at least in the short term, it is God's will for me to be single. Therefore, I am content to throw myself on Divine Grace and trust in the Father's mercy that He will work all things for the good. Sure, it gets lonely sometimes, but that's just God's reminder that I need to spend some time with Him.

I guess it was just kind of naive to think that I could get through my whole life without any serious regrets. I mean, not that I've made it 19+ years without /any/ regrets, but I can play most of those off as "learning experiences". I guess the Lord has just been stressing to me recently the enormous extent to which any grace in my life is His mercy. I could be completely consumed with sex, like the guys that I work with, but by His mercy I know that there is something better, and that is what I am looking for. And it is infinitely worth waiting for.

The other day, I was on Wikipedia and, through a series of connexions (as always happens) I found an article on a man named Rainer Maria Rilke. He was a German poet who lived from the 1870's to the 1920's. I will cut to the point and link you to his Wikiquote page: Here. Now, I found his poetry quoted there pretty interesting and excellent, but what really struck me was the section of quotations from his "Letters to a Young Poet". Therein, he lays out every important thing that I have learned in the past 19 years, more beautifully and concisely than I could ever have put it. It is always a joy to find a writer who writes from a heart united with your own. I will have to look into some of his books!

"This is quick, but not quite painless..."
-L

P.S. Dear Luke: "Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." -RMR